Francis, the cat, is in his bed, laid down, belly up.

Cat (bitching and moaning): OH MY GOD! I´M GOING TO DIE!

The Pen, from afar, overhears Francis´s cries.

Pen (curious): what the…

Curiosity gets the best of “it”, and the nosy pen follows the loud noise only to find Francis splashed in his bed.

Pen (nears the cat): what´s the matter with you?
Cat: I´M GOING TO DIE!
Pen: and you´re yelling it to the world because…?

Cat (looks at it dead serious): I´m dying, some compassion would be appreciated.
Pen: hate to burst your bubble pussycat, but, I´m a Pen.
Cat (duh): I know that.

Pen: So you’re expecting compassion from me because…?
Cat: I´M IN PAIN!
Pen: what did you eat?

Cat: what makes you think I ate something?
Pen: You really want me to answer that question?
Cat: no.

Pen: seriously though, what did you eat?
Cat: nothing.
Pen: Francis!
Cat: I´m serious. I didn´t eat anything.

Pen: Okay.
Cat: okay?
Pen: what did you drink?
Cat (looks to the side/whisper): nothing…

Pen: Francis!
Cat: What?
Pen: What did you drink?
Cat: coffee.

Pen: try again and this time, the truth please.
Cat: I´m telling the truth. I drank coffee.
Pen (thinks): … yeah, I don´t think coffee works…
Cat: works?

Pen: Nothing, just forget it. Why did you drink coffee anyways?
Cat: it was on the table, on a mug, so I drank it.
Pen: and if, in said mug, there was horse piss you´d drink it too?

Cat (confused): why would a mug have horse piss in it?
Pen: Just answer the question you idiot.
Cat: what question? Would I drink the horse´s piss? No! Who do you take me for?

Pen: An idiot who drinks and eats everything he finds.
Cat: Not everything.
Pen: then why the heck did you drink the coffee?

Cat: It smelled delicious…
Pen: delicious?
Cat: yes.

The Pen stops for a moment and then “it” smiles.

Pen: Francis?
Cat (annoyed and in pain): what?
Pen: did that coffee smell or taste like your magic milk?
Cat: no.

Pen: No?
Cat: no. It smelled even better.
Pen: better how?
Cat: like chocolate.

Pen: you drank coffee with chocolate liquor?
Cat: No.
Pen: are you sure?
Cat: No.

Pen (annoyed): stupid creature!
Cat: what?
Pen: You drank liquor, which in itself is bad for you. Then you add chocolate which is really bad for you. Do you get where I´m going with this?

Cat (dead serious): No.
Pen: I´m not even going to ask you how much of it you drank, because knowing you like I do, you probably drank all you could find…

Francis looks to the sides avoiding the matter and also confirming it.

Pen (cont.): … so now you´ll just have to wait.
Cat: wait for what?
Pen: for the effect of both the sugar and alcohol to pass.
Cat (panicking): why?

Pen: because that´s all you can do.
Cat: but… I´m in pain now!
Pen: yeah. Next time you smell something yummy, just turn around and walk away.
Cat (dumbstruck): why?

Pen: because it could be bad for you!
Cat: You have a very sad existence, don´t you?
Pen (loosing “its” patience): you´re in pain you idiot! Next time keep your mouth shut!

Cat: okay.
Pen: okay?
Cat: no.
Pen: Just die for all I care!

The Pen turns around and starts to glide away.

Cat: Hey! Where’re you going?
Pen (leaving): Away! Stupid is contagious and I don´t want to catch it!
Cat: too late for that but oh well… Ah! THIS HURTS!
Pen (rushes back near the cat to yell at him): Just shut up!

Suddenly…

FART… (long and loud)

Pen (annoyed): Good god pussycat!
Cat (relived): ah…
Pen (the smell reaches hell/sickened): Oh my God! Francis!

The Pen runs off.

Cat (much better): now I´m good. (Yelling to the Pen) It was just gas! You can come back now.
Pen (from a distance): No freakin´way!
Cat: Ha! Ha! Ha! I´m hungry…

Francis turns around and falls off of his bed.

Cat: oops…

He gets up and makes his way to the kitchen.

The end!

2019_Joana Teixeira