Francis, the cat, enters his house through the backdoor, into his kitchen. He has spent the afternoon out doing only God knows what.

He reaches his water bowl and starts to drink feverously.

Cat (sated): ha…

Pen (out of nowhere): Francis!
Cat (screams): Ah!
Pen: oh just shut up.

Cat (breathless): are you trying to give me a heart attack?
Pen (playing innocent): what did I do?
Cat: You scared the crap out of me!
Pen: did I now?

Cat (noticeably upset): yes!
Pen: Oh please! You´re such a drama queen.
Cat: I´m sorry, was that supposed to be an insult?

Pen: Which part?
Cat: about me being a drama queen?
Pen: yes, I see. To you, that’s actually a compliment, isn´t it?
Cat (smiling): yes.

Pen: oh for heaven´s sake…
Cat: so…
Pen: so what?
Cat: where have you been?

Pen: how´s that any of your business?
Cat: It´s not, you´re right.

Francis turns his back on the Pen, set on waking away.

Pen: wait!
Cat (turns back): what?
Pen: where are you going?
Cat: away from you.

Pen: but…
Cat: but what?
Pen: I was away for a while, didn´t you miss me?
Cat: No.

Francis turns back and starts to walk away from the Pen once more.

The Pen “follows” after him.

Pen: Francis come on.

Francis, the cat, looks straight at the Pen, grinning.

Cat: Oh I´m sorry, are you feeling lonely or something?
Pen: What? Of course not!
Cat: are you sure?
Pen: yes, most definitely.

Cat: okay then. Bye.
Pen: wait!
Cat (sys exasperated): what? What do you want?

Pen: we haven´t seen each other in weeks, and you´re just acting like you didn´t even miss me.
Cat (dead serious): I didn´t.
Pen: you don´t mean that.
Cat: Oh but I do.

Pen: you truly are a useless cat.
Cat: you bitch and moan, you´re worse than a wife.
Pen: yes, with you being the drunkard, useless husband.
Cat: Oh please, I´m awesome.

Pen: You didn´t even notice I was gone.
Cat: now that´s where you are wrong. I did notice.
Pen: You did?
Cat: yes. I was in heaven.

Pen: oh Francis, you missed me so much you died?
Cat: no you idiot, I was in paradise.
Pen: may your soul rest in peace. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Cat: shut up you stupid stick. Considering how pestilent you are, even if I died, you´d probably follow me into the afterlife.

Pen: oh hell no!
Cat: Oh no?
Pen: No. I want to go to paradise when I die.
Cat:  you´re going straight to the garbage bin, that´s where you´re going.

Pen: Missed you too fur ball.
Cat: where were you anyways?

Pen: Jason took me with him on his business trip.
Cat: too bad he didn´t forget to bring you back and left you there.
Pen: I know that, deep down, you´d miss me if I was gone.

Cat: deep, deep down, like 100 feet below ground.
Pen: Francis, would you come visit my grave if I was buried?
Cat: sure, why not.
Pen: so you could put flowers on it?
Cat: No, so I could pee on it.

Pen: You truly are one rude cat!
Cat: If I´m so bad, then why won´t you just leave and go away?
Pen: because I have a blast making fun of you, that´s why.

Cat: and you´re planning on doing that forever?
Pen: not forever, I´ll get tired of you eventually.
Cat: can´t you be tired of me now?
Pen: don´t worry Francis, you´re still a riot to mock.

Cat: great…
Pen: when I say eventually, that can be tomorrow, next week, next month…
Cat: I get it.
Pen (goes on): next year, in two years…

Cat (losing his patience/yelling): I get it! Shut up!
Pen: Francis, are you alright dear?
Cat: shut up and don´t call me dear.
Pen: why not?

Cat: ´cause it´s weird.
Pen: I was being polite.
Cat: you were being sadistic, as per usual.
Pen: you forgot your morning dose, didn´t you?  That´s why you´re so grumpy.

Cat: I´m grumpy because you annoy the heck out of me!
Pen (blows him a kiss): love you too stink ass.
Cat: Just die already.

Francis turns his back to the Pen and starts to walk away.

Pen (mocking him): Love you.
Cat (walking away): hate you!
Pen: Ha! Ha! Ha!

The end!

2019_ Joana Teixeira