The Pen enters the living room and finds a sleeping cat.

“It” nears Francis.

Pen (yelling): wake up Francis!
Cat (slurring): No, let me sleep…

Pen: No can´t do.
Cat: can´t or won´t?
Pen: you truly are a useless cat.

Cat: You´re the one who´s useless…
Pen: seriously, what if a burglar had come in?
Cat: a burglar has come in, I chased it out, remember?

Pen: I can´t remember something that never happened.
Cat: I don´t care what you say.
Pen: you sure about that, pussycat?

Cat: yes.
Pen: Liar.
Cat: Think whatever you want, I don´t care.
Pen:  Wrecked cat, you eat, you sleep and you snore. You are completely and utterly useless.

Cat (offended): I don´t snore!
Pen (grinning): yeah, you do.
Cat: I´ll have you know, I have innumerous talents.

Pen: yeah, right. Name one.
Cat: I can play the piano and burp the alphabet.

Pen: Pig!
Cat: I´ve told you countless times…
Pen: what´s that?
Cat: I´m a cat!

Pen: Are you trying to convince me or yourself of that fact?
Cat: shut up!
Pen: I seriously doubt you know the alphabet.
Cat: how´s that my problem?

Pen: well, come on then.
Cat: go where. I´m perfectly fine here, where I´m at right now.
Pen (sys): The alphabet.

Cat: what about it?
Pen: tell me.
Cat: tell you what?
Pen: you claim you know the alphabet.

Cat: I do.
Pen: Then… what is it?
Cat: I´m not going to tell you.

Pen: why not?
Cat: No point in it.
Pen: No point…

Cat (interrupting): You´re a stick. Why would you want to know the alphabet for?
Pen: stupid creature, my sole purpose, aside from making your life miserable…
Cat: Of course…
Pen: shut up and don´t interrupt me when I´m talking!

Cat: jeez, did someone pee in your coffee this morning or what?
Pen (ignoring the question): …is to write.

Cat (shakes his head): then, you, as a Pen, whose sole purpose is to write… (cough, cough) liar… should know the Alphabet.

Pen: listen to me, useless cat, the question was never if I, the wondrous Pen, knew the alphabet, but if you a ridiculous, drunken cat, knows it.

Cat: knows what?
Pen: the alphabet!
Cat: Who´s Alpha Beth?

Pen: what?
Cat: is Beth her fist name or second and why does she has to be alpha?
Pen (dumbstruck): what?

Cat: oh, and is Beth a person and animal or something else entirely?
Pen: sometimes I truly wonder…
Cat: what´s that?
Pen: were you born this stupid or did someone drop you on your head, repeatedly.

Cat: oh please, I´m awesome.
Pen: you´re a crazy, drunkard cat, that´s what you are.

Cat: if I´m that terrible, why do you keep haunting me? Go find some other “more intelligent being” to annoy then.

Pen: No way!
Cat: why not?
Pen: because I always have a blast messing with you.

Cat: yeah, well, you know what they say?
Pen: who says what about whom?
Cat: The definition of madness is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Pen: are you even listening to yourself?
Cat: why?
Pen: because you just described yourself.

Cat: What? How so?
Pen: You keep telling me that you hate me and that you want me to go away and leave you alone.
Cat: yeah, so?

Pen: How many times have you done that?
Cat: every single time I encounter you.
Pen: And how has that worked for you so far?

Cat: Not great, considering you´re still here.
Pen (loud): Ha!
Cat (startled): Ha what?

Pen: so I´m right!
Cat: right about what? Stupid stick, did you forget to take your morning pills or something?
Pen: You´re the one who needs medication, not me.

Cat: what I need is for you to go away and let me sleep.
Pen: Like I´ve said, madness.

Francis yawns, loudly.

Cat: I hate you…
Pen: love you too, you crazy cat.

The Pen realizes Francis is nodding off again.

Pen (cont.): I guess he´s not the only one who´s a little crazy…
Cat (sleeping/slurring): Ha, Ha… zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

The end!

2017_Joana Teixeira