Let me tell you, if there’s anything I’ve gathered from my sixteen hours a day I spend on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, Rumble, Gab, TikTok, Truth Social, 4chan, 8chan, it’s that this world is going to shit. Thankfully, it’s only a matter of time before our almighty Lord comes down to establish his glorious Kingdom on Earth. That being said, I will flip my lid if that kingdom got inflicted with the woke mind virus and everyone insists that I treat them the way I’d want to be treated.

Not that I’d be surprised, of course, if God went all SJW and insisted that we are all equally worthy of his love and grace regardless of our race, background, or socioeconomic status. After all, not even his omnipotence can stand up to those blue-hair, antifa, commies without the fear of getting canceled.

Seriously, I’m almost expecting that, after I die, I’ll be greeted in the clouds by a bunch of softy liberals preaching about peace and happiness and loving thy neighbor. Bah! Not in my Heaven! But we all know God’s holy dominion will be co-opted by the radical left’s agenda, if it hasn’t already. Next you’re going to tell me that in Heaven there will be no hardships or work and we’re all just going to be laying back and enjoying ourselves like we’re in some eternal paradise? Give me a break!

And get this! Apparently how hard I worked on Earth isn’t going to matter in the afterlife because I’ll still be seen as equal as everyone else who asked for forgiveness. Are you kidding me? I broke my back in this life, and now you’re telling me I’m going to get to Heaven and be on the same playing field as all those poors, lepers, and sick children who just asked for entitlements? None of this would’ve happened if Biden didn’t get elected.

Plus I’ve been hearing rumors that I won’t be able to carry a firearm with me because Heaven is a gun-free zone? Since when??? How am I supposed to protect myself from encroaching danger? With hymns and sonnets? What if I need to rebel against God and his angels? I brought this concern up to my pastor, and he told me some nonsense about how “the Lord is his shepard.” Typical liberal: only seeing themselves as sheep!

I remember when Heaven used to be fun. But now I bet it’s festering with all these holier-than-thou buzzkills itching to police my every move. I won’t hear the end of it. “Oh! You can’t spank your children, you can’t share memes making fun of your ex-wife, you can’t say the n-word here!” What do you mean I can’t use that word? How is it Heaven if I can’t properly sing along to my favorite songs? Besides, it should be fine; I’ll have black friends in Heaven. And I know I will because they’re probably doing all this affirmative action bullshit now. Did you know white people have to sin four times as less as black people to get into Heaven? I read that somewhere in Ezekiel. Not the Bible book; from the 8chan user, Ezekiel420.

So if Heaven has really become some godforsaken socialist utopia of never-ending friendship and harmony where we have to ALWAYS be compassionate to one another, then count me out! If I have to spend eternity in some anti-2nd amendment, anti-freedom, anti-America, anti-capitalism safe space, I’ll practically be in Hell. 

Now Satan! There’s a man with grit who tells it like it is. He’s got my vote!

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