My parents’ Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me, and it could be the best thing that ever happened to you, too.

No, I’m not projecting. I’m not lashing out or overcompensating, either. Don’t even start with me, because I don’t want pity — that’s one thing I hate about two-parent-havers. They ASSUME. Across twelve years of compulsory education, never did my school faculty learn to stop addressing their letters to a Mr. and a Mrs., nor did they stop threatening to call my mom when I was in trouble. (She doesn’t call me, man, what makes you think she’ll put out for my bald principal?)

If that was the worst of it, then I could manage. But it never stops there. After they’ve been corrected, they proceed to whimper their apologies under the impression that I’m unhappy about it. Wrong! Incorrect buzzer! I assure you right now that I am unbelievably happy about it, and if you don’t understand, you’re the problem. I have a rich narrative. I have a story. I have a life that an unlikeable YA protagonist would be dying to lead.

But you? You have nothing. You ARE nothing. You’re a nothing person. Just face it: traditional families are OUT, dysfunctional ones are IN. ‘Cause who the hell cares about your life? You owned an SUV and lived on a cul-de-sac. Oh, you have a nuclear family? Well, you deserve a nuclear bomb. Maybe it’ll finally make you interesting.

Why would you ever need a mom and a dad anyway? First of all, you’re a greedy bastard. Second of all, it’s just not natural. Wild animals never have two loving parents. It’s always one mom to her ten billion children, and the father is some deadbeat who will get his ass whooped if he dares to show his face again. “But wait,” you might be crying, because you are a whiny baby who whines, “Plenty of animals mate for life!” To that, I raise the fact that EVERY ANIMAL THAT CAN GET MARRIED CAN GET A DIVORCE. Swans divorce each other. Wolves divorce each other. Gibbons divorce each other. Everything on the planet divorces each other, and it makes us better. It would make you better.

Look. I get it. You think I’m wrong and mean and you don’t wanna hear it from me because your parents love each other and you love them. But you have to know that it’s because I want the best for you. I want you to be somebody who’s worth talking to. And deep down, maybe I’m really trying to protect you. Because you know who also had two parents? Jesus Christ.

Then he died.

You do the math.

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