I, like so many others, come up with too many goals every year that I’ll never actually have the time or effort required to finish. That’s why this year I’ve decided to not only pick a Resolution I know I can complete, but to also help my two good friends Andrew and Tucker out along the way. I asked them to send me their resolutions so I could help “motivate” and “encourage.” What they don’t know, is that I’ve actually decided that my sole goal for 2024 is to make sure they complete theirs, by any means necessary.

Below is my comprehensive plan for how I will tackle each of their very easy to accomplish goals:

Tucker

Get my swagger back

I half expected this to pop up on here. Tucker lost his swagger in July of 2023 during an embarrassing jet ski jump fail at Richy Little’s beach house. I have thought about this for months, and have easily deduced that we can get it back in full by pulling off a successful snowmobile jump this February at Richy Little’s ski lodge.

5 Pushups

I feel like he’ll do this one without me since he has a whole year. I Guess on December 31st I’ll check and if he hasn’t I’ll cattle prod him.

Stop Racism (All Around the World)

The last time Tucker was over, he went to the kitchen to get another Totino’s and I took his phone. I added Imagine to every single one of his Spotify playlists. He never noticed, and he has been humming it all the time lately. I think I can have him casually singing it in public places by March and then this one will be well on its way.

Give More High Fives

I’ll pay someone to high five him a bunch. Only solution I could think of for this one.

Stop Punching Holes in My Wall Whenever I Die in Fortnite

I told my little cousin that Tucker is a famous streamer and that he could play duos with him as long as he always carries. Now I just hope to god Brady can back up all that bragging he was doing about his dubs at the Thanksgiving kids table this year.

I sit there because it’s the fun table. I could switch to the adult table if I wanted to and it wouldn’t be a big deal at all.

Less Hoodies

I’m going to break into his apartment.

Start Shaving Legs?

I’m going to break into his apartment while he is asleep.

Chest Hair

I’ll transplant mine with a glue stick I guess? It’ll buy some time until the world’s best scientists figure out how to do some kind of more permanent human chia pet type of procedure.

More Layups Less Threes

I’m going to set some gnarly screens and get the lane open. I’m also going to say “nice shot… not!” after every three, even if they go in. After every time his team loses I’ll say “everyone is really mad at you.”

Stop Calling my Cat Stinky (Not Gonna Happen)

This cattle prod says it is going to happen.

Andrew

RUN MORE

CHASE MORE.

FIND $20 BILLS IN MY PANTS POCKET MORE OFTEN

Okay, dang, yeah this one is tough. I guess I’ll need to break into Andrew’s apartment just like when I steal Tucker’s hoodies, but I’ll need to periodically put a $20 bill in Andy’s pants pocket. Then I can’t let him know it’s from me. Money has been kind of tight lately, but I guess this is a small price to pay for helping my really good pal achieve his dreams.

GET WALT’S BLESSING TO ASK HIS WIFE OUT 

What the hell? I guess I have to give it to him. Still, this doesn’t look great considering “get divorced” was on her resolutions for the year.

GO ON A SOLO TRIP TO THE HOLLYWOOD HORROR FILM MUSEUM 

No way! Is this why he asked me to drive him to L.A.? I’ve always wanted to go to this. They have a scale replica of a gremlin that you aren’t allowed to feed, like in the movie. Dang, we’re only going to be in town for the one day, then I’ll have to drive us back. I guess I’ll wait in the car. That’ll be kind of like I’m in Cujo I guess.

GET ELECTED AS SOLE PRESIDENT OF MR. SANDWICH

This one’s easy, when we do our annual three-way vote for president, I’ll use a combination of gerrymandering, voter suppression, and early media calls for swing states to cause a controversial early concession. Then, I’ll lobby the supreme court to halt recounting. Andrew will win despite losing the popular vote.

DOWNSIZE MR. SANDWICH

I guess the best I can do for this one is offer to be the one that breaks the news to Tucker that he’s out. I might add something like “maybe a guy that takes less threes would still be in.”

PUT KETCHUP ON A HOT DOG

I’m never going to complete my resolution. This is going to be like every other year.

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