We have a major epidemic in this country. The disease? Small Businesses. Not only are they destroying our economy, but they’re forcing us to pay more for handmade, quality goods and materials made in their own humble storefronts and adhered-to labor laws.

Wake up, Americans! Now more than ever, we need to be supporting big businesses and their plight to continue making billion-dollar profits. We need to stand up for the KFCs, the Burger Kings, and the Taco Bells of the world and make sure their underpaid social media managers’ voices on Twitter are heard. And we need to protect these brands from the major threat that is small businesses and their anti-American agenda of paying their rent and supporting themselves on the fruits (preferably sold by Walmart) of their own labor. 

Speaking honestly as a first-generation immigrant, Corporate Chains are what brought my family to this country from Ireland. When my father first came to this country, he didn’t see the Statue of Liberty – he saw the golden arches. He used the last quarter in his pocket to buy a Big Mac, fries, and a Diet Coke.

He didn’t share any with my brother, my mother, or me, but that’s how the patriarchs of the family were back then, so we all respectfully observed as my father ravished through his first American meal. He also did not let us play with the I Love Lucy Happy Meal toy. After that revolutionary first meal, my father got a job at McDonald’s, and worked his way up until he had enough power to crush the spirit of an elderly woman who was served dangerously hot coffee. To my father, those golden arches were his “Shining City on a Hill.”

Every American has a responsibility to keep our healthy, flawless democracy running. And you better believe I’m doing my part. I make sure to support large corporations with not just my voice, but with my money. All of it. If a corporation has at least ten locations in my city, good. If they bust unions, great. If child slaves are making their products, shut up and take my money already. I take my patronage of large corporations seriously because I don’t just care about making sure the CEO can buy another yacht, I want to make sure their board of directors are taken care of, too. Because that’s what Americans do – take care of our richest and least vulnerable. 

When I walk down the street of my big hometown with its even bigger downtown, I can’t help but feel disgusted seeing some of these stores popping up. They have these silly, alliteration-based names like Cathy’s Cards or Benny’s Bicycles. When I see one of those stores, I can’t help but think, “there goes the neighborhood” and “oh good heavens, my poor property value.”

What happened to my America? We can’t have these small business owners become mad with power and to even go as far as impacting legislation. People say I’m being ridiculous with my worries about small businesses, but where does it stop? What’s next? Mini businesses? I fear that one day these small businesses might take over our daily lives with their little knick knacks. 

Every day, I fear these small family businesses that continue to pop up every day will threaten that Shining City on a Hill my father first spotted when he arrived at Ellis Island. That’s why I’ve made it my life’s mission to eradicate every single one of them. I aspire to see that day when I walk by a farmer’s market, and all of the vendors are from Amazon’s Whole Foods. At Fourth of July parades across America, I want Starbucks to sponsor our little league sports teams. And I never want to see another sidewalk sign with a punny saying to coax passersby into a store ever again. The only signs I want to see are the giant signs that are so bright you risk losing your vision by looking at it too long. The ones that have a couple of the letters missing from a “2 F_R 1 BURG_R MEAL” message because the minimum-wage employees are being too overworked they don’t have time to fix it.

That, my friends, is the American dream.

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