“Avoid Taking Shite or Being Told to Feck Off”

• Rationalize that the first Guinness you drink will provide you a “meal in a glass,” leaving your stomach impervious to more alcohol.
• Order a “Black and Tan” instead of a “half and half,” fanning the flames of ancient animosities toward 1920’s British recruited Black and Tan constables.
• Blurt “Faith and Begorrah,” as if you use the expression when sober.
• Sport a “Kiss my ass, I’m Irish” pin.
• Act pompous, like a Limey with a shillelagh up his ass.
• Reach for your Guinness when it’s still settling on the bar.
• Perform “Danny Boy,” fronting the pub’s “Black Velvet Band.”
• Claim the Irish Rovers are, like Irish Setters, another dog breed.
• Mispronounce SLAINTY as SLANT-TEE when toasting.
• Malign Irish traditions such as Claddaghs, Celtic Crosses, and Trinity Knots as peasant wear.
• Mimic Irish dancers, bouncing rigidly on your barstool with arms folded over chest.
• Expect concise restroom directions when asking, though real Irishmen intermix stories and landmarks, often with no clue about destination, when offering any direction.
• Criticize the corned beef as a less expensive, fatty cut.
• Imply soda bread consists of soda water.
• Pontificate you’d send dry cleaning to the Magdalene Laundries if you lived in-country.
• Tell a colleen you’ve kissed the Blarney Stone, foreplay to asking her to kiss your rocks.
• Joke Barack Obama is Black Irish, without the apostrophe and Spanish heritage.
• Run the word “shite” inappropriately off your tongue in conversational exchanges.
• Jest that Irish Faeries and Little Folk are gay and height-challenged.
• Refer to any two Irish siblings as Irish Twins.
• Try to turn an allusion to the Virgin Mary’s Knock Shrine into a knock-knock joke.
• Question whether the cod in the fish and chips had been sustainably fished.
• Request Bushmills, “the Protestant shit,” as Jimmy McNulty, a character in The Wire preferring Jameson’s, avowed
• Make too easy jokes when ordering Red Breast shots.
• Remark that a St. Brigid’s Cross resembles a swastika.
• Opine that Irishmen who you’ve met in America prove snakes WERE in Ireland.
• Tell sheepishly inappropriate Gaelic kilt-and-sheep jokes, as mean-spirited as the reversed Rolling-Stones-Get-Off-Of-My-Cloud-lyrics turned into a Scottish punch line: “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!”
• Clarify St. Patrick was a Brit.
• Give the finger to your Irish seatmate extolling the virtues of Martin McDonagh’s darkly comic The Banshees of Inisherin.
• Contend Joyce, Yeats, Wilde, and Shaw were incomprehensible local writers.
• Spell Erin “Aaron.”
• Try pronouncing Siobhan, Saoirse, Laoise, or Caoimhe and then laughing at their spelling.
• Liken your personal “troubles” to the thirty-year, late 20^th Century Northern Irish conflict.
• Offer leeringly that Waterford Crystal is just “another piece of glass.”
• Call Derry “Londonderry.”
• Imply uilleann pipes aren’t the only thing Irish Pipers blow.
• Contradict a heart-touched, alcohol-fueled Irishwoman’s boast he had a sainted mother, granny, or teacher.
• Whimper about not getting green beer.
• Assume “Lost Six” refers to missing beers rather than the six of Ireland’s 32 counties still under British rule.
• Remind patrons the Irish have never finished better than 8^th in soccer’s World Cup.
• Profess that Richard Nixon made a better U.S. President than JFK.
• Mistake shouts of “up the I.R.A.” as being about retirement accounts.
• Affirm the North’s Rory McIlroy is English and not the Catholic son of County Down he boasts as his roots.
• Assert that Bono, Van Morrison, and the Dubliners’ Ronnie Drew were the “3 Irish Tenors.”
• Brag you’ve never seen “Riverdance,” live or on any media.
• Detail the Aryan Brotherhood’s American Irish prison roots.
• Try fooling the object of your flirtation by playing “She loves me; she loves me not” using a three-leafed shamrock.
• Suggest the Chieftains should have ditched flutes, tin whistles, harps, and bodhrans to play rock-and-roll.
• Equate Irish cream or butter with anything sexual.
• Label John Lennon, and even Ringo Starr, more influential Beatles than Paul McCartney and George Harrison, baptized Catholics with Irish ancestors.

The post Visiting the Old Sod: Things Not to Say or Do in an Irish Catholic Pub appeared first on Robot Butt.