Bonjour Marie,

As you know, I’m moving to your beautiful country from the US due to a recent promotion. My assumption is that there’s a ton of inventory in your area and it’s a great time to buy. Here are my must-haves for the upcoming House hunt— I’m sure they won’t be hard to find!

I’m looking for a brand new, turnkey house with the kind of character and charm only found in homes built before the 1960s. I want ornate turn-of-the-century architecture paired with the clean lines of sleek, modern interiors. Think Rosa Aurora marble countertops and heated LuxTouch floors alongside intricate stained glass, Victorian-era pocket doors, and a rickety old dumbwaiter. What can I say? I like my creature comforts. 

I need to live on the beach! I see myself relaxing on a rooftop terrace, sipping my morning coffee, and staring at the ocean. I also need to be downtown so I can step out of my front door and walk directly into a shop that sells artisan wines, fresh baguettes, and stinky cheeses. It’s my understanding that 1) this kind of property exists, and 2) it’s in my budget. (My budget is 12,000. But that’s USD, so I’m thinking it can get me pretty far there.)

Because I love entertaining, an open-concept kitchen/living area is essential. Do not show me a kitchen without basic appliances (e.g. dishwasher, soft close cabinets, pot filler faucet). I’ve seen these foreign “ovens,” which are really more like microwaves, and “refrigerators,” which would only suit a college dorm room. I am not a first-year student, Marie. I am a grown adult who was born and raised in an upper-class suburb of a major city in the United States of America, and I will not settle for a tiny two-burner cooktop instead of a full gas range.

My ideal home has thirteen beds and fourteen baths— ensuites, obviously, and none of that Jack and Jill crap. I’ll need lots of room when the people who definitely weren’t just pretending to be my friends because we worked together come to visit me all the way on the other side of the planet. I will also need extra space for all the friends I make abroad! (I’ve never left the contiguous US and I only speak English, but I did a 14-day free trial of Duolingo, which should suffice for building meaningful connections with others.)

A designated bonus room is another must. The listings I’ve seen online don’t have this high-priority item and I’m confused. Where are people storing their kid’s Barbie Dreamhouses and Fisher-Price Rock-a-Stacks? Where are they keeping their massive Blu-ray collections? What about the broken TVs they don’t use anymore, but don’t know how to properly dispose of? I basically need a room to fill with useless junk that won’t be touched until I eventually decide to move back to the States because I miss Target.

A few other small things:

• My chihuahua Pluto is joining me, meaning a spacious backyard is necessary. I’m told there are parks where I could take Pluto, but with my high pressure job I won’t have time for that. And I just don’t want to.

• I hate the color green! I don’t care if it’s one wall that can be covered with a single coat of paint. I don’t want to see it.

• I own over two hundred margarita glasses from HomeGoods and they mean a lot to me. I require 15 to 20 mounted shelves for my collection.

Merci,

Another Annoying American Expat

P.S. No popcorn ceilings.

The post House Hunting in Paradise appeared first on Robot Butt.