PRESS RELEASE
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SEATTLE, WA—Veteran door-to-door salesman Kent Wallner has added 87 additional neighborhoods to his ongoing farewell tour. Wallner will be making his final rounds selling vacuum cleaners this fall, as confirmed by Keely Vacuum Co. The tour, which has now been extended a record-breaking 16 times, will conclude an unparalleled solicitation career of nearly five decades and over a million invasions of privacy.
“The tour was coming to an end, but we realized that there were still so many homeowners who had yet to be accosted,” stated a Keely rep. “Wallner has been one of our top guys for decades and we wanted to give more people the chance to see his legendary demonstration of our patented suction technology, which includes several unique attachments for getting into those hard-to-reach areas.”
The record-breaking tour has already visited virtually every home in the greater Seattle metropolitan area and will now be expanding to more rural areas outside the city that rarely get the opportunity to experience a trespasser. An additional extension into Canada is also being discussed.
In his own statement, Wallner said, “It’s bittersweet to say goodbye to my customers after so many decades of disrupting their dinners, but it’s important to me that I go out on top. However, before I close the door on my live appearances, I want to make sure that no one misses their chance to hear my 25-minute unremitting sales pitch. I know there are still kids out there who have yet to viscerally feel that stomach-churning moment when they open their front door and find a stranger asking if their parents are home. These final dates are for them. Not to mention the thousands of homeowners who have never been home during any of my previous 200 visits. If I somehow miss you again, don’t worry. I will wait.”
A full list of tour dates cannot be found on Wallner’s website. He will show up at your house unannounced, at a most inopportune time.
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