Mr. Speaker: I rise today to introduce important legislation. Legislation that will jumpstart American ingenuity and create good-paying jobs here in this country.  This bill I’m proposing represents a great leap forward for American manufacturing.  It is in response to that Chinese Spy Balloon that dominated the news cycle for like a week back in January or whenever.  

The world watched in astonishment as a Chinese Spy Balloon floated over our nation recently.  The Chinese balloon looked like a cartoon bear in the hundred-acre wood slathered in mud disguising himself as a little black raincloud to trick the bees so he could steal their honey.  

As a conservative, my patriotic reaction was to blame Joe Biden for this while ignoring the fact that this intrusion by the Chinese military had occurred at least three times under Donald Trump. At the time, with Donald Trump as Commander in Chief, he had the courtesy to leave the balloons undetected so we didn’t have to know about it.  I also was not going to waste a good photo opportunity by posing like a total badass with my guns pointed at the face of God because I definitely know how to handle firearms properly and understand physics.

But I’m going to say something that has never been said in the history of America by a white conservative man. I am glad I didn’t pull the trigger.  Because had I shot the balloon which I absolutely could have done thanks to my marksmanship honed in basic training on the battlefields of Call of Duty, I’d have been destroying a little piece of America. Because we now know that the Chinese spy balloon included parts manufactured in America.  

And Mr. Speaker, say what you will about the ongoing genocide in Xinjiang, or the belt-and-road initiative as a new form of economic colonialism (exploit the resources without the hassle of governing the place), or wolf warrior diplomacy, or a myriad of other human rights abuses ongoing in China. I’m proud that when selecting key technology for reconnaissance of American airspace, the Chinese believe in America First. So do I. That’s why I stand before you today to introduce the Protecting Our Homeland By Encouraging American Reinvestment (POOH BEAR Act”) will provide vital tax incentives for manufacturing spy balloons technology right here in America’s heartland.  

For too long hostile foreign nations have been outsourcing the supply chain when constructing dangerous technology to undermine American national security.  It’s time we bring that technology home and keep it home.  Under the POOH BEAR Act, companies from authoritarians strongholds around the world, not just China, but Syria, Iran, Saudi Arabia, North Korea, Venezuela, Russia, and its puppet states like Belarus will all be able to invest in America like never before.  

Not since the Reagan Administration selling arms to Iran to fund the contras in Latin America has the nexus between dictatorships and the military-industrial complex Eisenhower warned everyone about been so obtainable.  So I rise today to call for all members of Congress to support this vital legislation to redirect Oligarch investment into American-made spy technology for hostile foreign actors.  So the next time Americans stare to the heavens in wonder at the latest counterintelligence operation from a nefarious regime, we can look with pride, knowing that our own American-made  technology is being deployed against us.

America should lead the world in spyware. The POOH BEAR Act will help ensure that America is the first choice vendor for every strongman looking to destabilize democracy around the world.  If China wants to spy on America they should buy American to do so.  From Nixon’s opening to China to Ivanka Trump getting rushed approval of more than 40 trademarks mere months into her father’s term, there is a proud history of Sino-American trade.  The POOH BEAR Act is the next logical step in connecting CCP surveillance more directly to American businesses and American jobs.

I ask for your vote and support.  The full text of the bill is available on my TikTok.  Once white girls figure out how to steal a dance from Black creators it will go viral on social media.  I yield the remainder of my time and my God Bless America.

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