It’s been a big year at the Bandersnatch household. My step-son, Marcus, just turned 36, which is threatening to overshadow my 33rd birthday next week. He is the light of Debbie and I’s life, and we think it is time for him to stop hiding that light under a bushel and learn to love again. But before you get any ideas, you should know there are some rules I worked out with his father (my best friend):

1. Treat Him the Way You’d Like to be Treated

2. Always Keep a Spare Key Handy. He has Night Terrors and Needs Someone to Sing him a Lullaby. Also he Loses his Keys A Lot

3. No Tickling

4. I Taught Him Everything He Knows, and I Mean EVERYTHING

5. I Need a Written Record of Everything he Says About Me

6. It’s not weird that his father and I are close. There’s no competition. The divorce was amicable and my wife and him are still friends. Next year, we are vacationing to Tampa together. We hope Debbie can make it too.

7. I Need to See Some ID Please

8. No Spicy Food (Night Terrors)

9. Don’t Look Him in the Eyes or he will See it as a Challenge and Attack

10. Be Yourself!

11. Approach Slowly with Both Palms Up so he Knows You Aren’t a Threat (Especially at the Communal Watering Hole)

12. NO Vulgarity! If he Says Something Vulgar, he Better not Learn it from You. I Don’t Want him Kissing MY Wife With YOUR Mouth

13. The Only Protection in Your Nightstand Better be the Bible

14. He is ALWAYS Player 1

15. Ever Since my Step-Son Marcus Died Trying to See How Mad he Could Make a Stray Dog at his 36th Birthday Party, Our House hasn’t Felt Like a Home… Because he’s Haunting Us. We Believe Getting him Laid Will Finally Send his Spirit to the Great Beyond (Maybe Hell). Then his Dad (my best friend) and I can Finally Hang in the Jacuzzi in Peace

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