In an unprecedentedly bold move, a group of Big Pharma execs pushed for the permanent inclusion of at least four more letters to be added to the alphabet in the interest of increasing their options when giving names to the constant addition of medications these companies keep producing.

“What we’d like to see is at least a four-letter, possibly six at most, equal split of new consonants and vowels to be added to the existing 26-letter alphabet,” remarked Bayer CEO, Werner Baumann about the daring change involving anywhere from 15 to 20 leading pharmaceutical companies scattered throughout the U.S.

“While we understand this is a very risky, sensitive subject to encroach, we simply cannot continue to make further strides and advance at the proper pace we’d like to when it comes to providing beneficial medicines with the now-limited vocabulary we find ourselves left with.”

Added Johnson & Johnson exec Marsha Green, advocate for the push: “The benefits of these medications, from lowering blood pressure and relieving pain to something as important as curing deadly infections, are far too great to be stuck with the relatively sparse terminology we have now. Over are the days of working with far fewer drugs, such as our mainstays Viagra, Nuelasta, Trazodone, Adderall, etc.”

Biogen CEO, Michel Vounatos agrees. “It’s not like it was 20–25 years ago. The drugs are coming at us faster than we can keep up with. Gemteza, Tremfya, Rybelsus, Ozempic, Kisqali, Caplyta, Skyrizi; that’s a lot of letter combos right there. This needs to happen now in order for us to keep meeting demands. For public safety if not anything else.”

There has, however, been some pushback from outside special interest groups who simply feel that adhering to this radical change would be a foolish waste of time and energy. “It’s not like we’re asking for the world here,” responded Baumann. “We’re simply asking for some breathing room.”

Baumann concluded that, while the original proposal included an additional request for another number to be added to our universal decimal system for amending costs to meet the public demand, it ultimately had been struck down after concluding that simply adding a zero to the existing consumer price would do.

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