Summer is a wonderful time to relax and soak up the sun, and for many, it is a well-deserved break – right? No. Summer sucks. It sucks balls.

But baby it is almost over! And even though I have expressed my strong dislike for the season, I have to be honest: I’m a bit sad it’s ending because it means that life doesn’t slow down for anyone and that I will slowly be forced into the corporate world just so I can please those around me and not be labeled a “failure,” or whatever.

Fortunately, I’ve compiled a list of tips and tricks that will help you relish the last weeks of summer!

Tip One:

Ditch the pools. The kids are loud, the snacks are stale, and you can never find a chair. They usually cost money, too. Also, I’m not good at swimming, so I avoid them at all costs.

Tip Two:

No AC? No worries. Just run to your local bathroom, turn the shower on, and — oh shit, why is there a dog growling at you and swinging punches? You swear you eliminated Paulie The Narc Dog years ago. Why is he here? How is he alive? You shut the bathroom door and start panting.

Tip Three:

You check into a hotel room because you’re too scared to stay in your apartment. Sure, you’re running away from Paulie The Narc Dog, but truthfully? You’re running away from your past. You know what you did. You know why Paulie is hunting you.

Tip Four:

You start to spiral. This is all because of you. This is all because one day in your junior year of college you decided you wanted a Diet Coke at 9 p.m. on a Tuesday. Suddenly, you remember your walk to the vending machine on the first floor of your building. As you approach the heavenly box that has juice, you see the classic silver can on the top level. You put in your one-dollar bill and singular quarter and wait for the can to fall to you. “Shit,” you say, as the can gets trapped between the plexiglass and the vault that pushes the can out. You start to shake the machine so you can collect your lukewarm, expired Diet Coke. But as you do it, three other cans fall: a Sprite, a Dasani water (gross), and a Fanta. You don’t think about it but you take all four cans – nice. But as you turn around, you see this dog. You will later learn his name: Paulie The Narc Dog.

Tip Five:

Paulie starts running at you. You drop the cans and they explode everywhere. At first, Paulie is startled, but as he slowly looks up from the carbonated mess you made, he mutters the scariest thing you have ever heard: “Hey punk, you stealing cans? Not on my watch, for I am Paulie The Narc Dog.” You start to scream but it’s too late. Paulie, murmuring “Lemme at ‘em! Lemme at ‘em!” starts to swing punches your way. And oh brother can Paulie swing. You’re getting your shit rocked but you can’t help but be
impressed by this dog’s fighting skills. Unfortunately, Paulie is starting to kill you. You fight back, but you go too hard. You roundhouse kick that narc all the way down the hall. You just killed a dog – no, you just killed PAULIE THE NARC DOG.

Or so you believed.

Tip Six:

You’re freaking out. The hotel room TV won’t turn off so all you hear is the stupid acoustic guitar strumming on repeat while pictures of a DIFFERENT Residence Inn play on the screen. You are losing it. This may be the end for you. Maybe you can move to Peru and lead a life of hunting and gathering. Perhaps you fake your death again so Paulie has no chance of finding you? Nonsense. You know what you have to do. The only way to escape this hell is to talk things out with Paulie.

Tip Seven:

Hesitantly, you go back to your apartment with the intention of healing the past with Paulie. As you open the door you see Paulie sitting under a lamp on your loveseat, smoking a cigarette. Paulie cracks open a Diet Coke, somewhat in spite, but really he’s just thirsty. “Listen, Paulie. I–,” you try to say before Paulie cuts you off. “I do the talking, pal,” says Paulie, menacingly. “I don’t have time for your games. You have two options here, buck. One – you surrender and turn yourself in for animal abuse. Two – you get over here and scratch my forehead.” Wow. You’re stunned. Years of pain and constantly living in fear and regret, and all you have to do is scratch some dog’s dumb head? This is amazing! However, as you walk over to Paulie, his excitement gets the better of him. His tail knocks over the Diet Coke, soaking the wooden floor, which therefore makes you slip and fall. The next thing you know, you’re on the floor. The last sound you heard was a crunch. You fear for the worst. As you get up, the realization that your fall was broken by Paulie The Narc Dog hits you. You’re in utter shock. Who have you become… a killer? No, more than that… A two-time Paulie The Narc Dog killer.

Tip Eight:

Check out some local ice cream stores so you can avoid the heat in the dog days of summer!

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