The Gray Man – Stabbed in a Loud Room

I’m in a Brazilian nightclub on a surveillance mission that was given a 1 – star risk estimate. Long before I spot my mark the Gray man walks up and stabs me 6 times on the dance floor. The bass drops in a Skrillex song right as I scream and I go completely unnoticed. He sits me down on a bench nearby and people assume I’m passed out drunk. I’m not found for 4 days.

Casino Royale – Destitution

I lose 15 million dollars of government money in less than an hour due to not knowing how Poker works in the slightest. My own MI6 handler shoots in my head out of frustration.

Quantum of Solace – Car Crash

I’m tailing a potential suspect when they hit the gas. I give chase. Bond immediately leaps from the passenger seat onto their roof. I try to keep up but hit a one-foot patch of black ice. Lose control and swerve off a bridge. Later that day as everyone celebrates Bond’s victory someone says “hey, where’s the Aston Martin?” After a long silence some then say with far less enthusiasm “and where’s agent Braley?”

The Bourne Supremacy – Head Trauma

I’m an analyst and Jason Bourne has infiltrated the CIA offices in Langley Virginia. I pass him in the hall and ask if he’s new around here and if he does fantasy football. The next thing I know everything is blurry and then I’m waking up 7 hours later. I’m told I was rendered unconscious by a Filipino martial art called Kali. I die at the age of 67 from CTE.

Mission Impossible – Drowning Indoors

It was my first day in the field because someone else called out. I’m told all I have to do is sit at a table in the same restaurant as agent Ethan Hunt. I’m enjoying a chicken parm when suddenly the aquarium in the middle of the restaurant explodes, flooding the floor. Hunt escapes and no one is injured except me. During the chaos I slip and hit my head, landing face down in a two-inch pool of standing water. The rest of the agents rush after Ethan and no one realizes I’m dead until the janitors come to mop up the restaurant.

Mission Impossible 2 – Motorcycle Crash

See: Quantum of solace. CTRL F replace “car” with “motorcycle.”

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol – Shot 400 Times

I’m asked to standby with Hunt’s team as the big deal goes down. It goes south and everyone opens fire. Hunt, Benji, the character Jeremy Renner plays, and the rest of the cool IMF squad we know and love all five behind cover and begin plotting their next creative move. I am very wide. I dive, spraining an ankle, and land behind a small table that has one major structural weakness, bullets. I’m hit from every side including behind due to some accidental friendly fire. In the last act, Hunt will roundhouse kick my killer off the tallest building in the world and then say “that one’s for Will.”

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation – Fall to my Death

I’m one of seven field agents sent to capture Ethan Hunt. As we chase him, he begins hopping across rooftops. I mistime a 4-foot jump and instantly plummet 9 feet to my death. The rest of the team yells agent down and keeps running after Hunt. Less than a month later Hunt’s name is cleared and the whole ordeal becomes a huge inside joke for the CIA and IMF. My death is commonly the punchline.

Mission Impossible: Fallout – Electrocuted

While agent Hunt skydived from outer space I’m safe at an undisclosed CIA office building in Virginia. I get a phone call. I say “yes sir. Right away sir. I’ll let them know sir.” I need to report the call but I stand up too fast and knock my coffee over onto my computer. It short circuits, electrocuting me to the point that everyone in the office sees my skeleton. The CIA’s accounting department imitates it at the Christmas party in their annual parody revue.

The post I Watched 9 Spy Movies and Figured Out How I’d Die in Each One appeared first on Robot Butt.