So sorry to hear that you haven’t seen your Daughter in a week. We’d love to air her story, but first, we need to know: 

1. Would science classify her as a Homarus Americanus after a day on the beach?

2. Does she prefer shallow water or the deep?

Oh, she’s just a regular girl from an inner city? So sorry, but we can’t give you any of our precious primetime hours to get the word out that she is Missing. It’s just not interesting enough for the general American public when it’s a girl like her who doesn’t return home. Viewership is only interested in missing females who have the supernatural ability to Turn into bright red crustaceans after sun exposure. 

The more crimson they can potentially turn, the more captivated the audience will be. That’s why we have live briefings scheduled every hour on the hour from the moment one is reported gone. If a body turns up, we will instantly interrupt national pandemic coverage and reports from the UN General Assembly. We’re standing by with crews at every last known location – just in case there’s evidence of a sighting. Everyone roots for such a unique being to be found unharmed. Especially the ones with blond hair and blue eyes.

For a child like yours, well, there’s always the classifieds. 

It’s got nothing to do with race. It’s just… our viewers have a particular interest in girls with a pink undertone who need a buttery lather of SPF 80 just to sit out in the sun. And interest equals money. It’s not disproportionate to run story after story when one goes missing. These special girls get lots of clicks. 

Who said anything about skin color? 

Think about the large number of advertising dollars to be made, and then tell me you don’t agree that only some children should be given preference for national coverage. When a girl who has the ability to cook in the sun like a delicious entree goes missing, the hashtags go crazy. That’s why we follow them like bait-click. 

Your daughter on the other hand, well, she’s like a small fish in a big sea. It’s not like we don’t care that she’s gone. We’d show her face on-air too if she had the ability to grow pincers. But if her arms could turn into mini claws, do you think she’d be the subject of foul play? 

Girls who turn into lobsters are not expected to go poof. That’s why it’s so upsetting when one does not return home after a leisurely day on the sand. They tend to hang around in shallow water. Your daughter, she was probably in the deep, swimming with sharks, so it’s expected for her to get eaten. Especially if she enticed them with an open wound like we’re sure she did. America doesn’t want to hear about these kinds of disappearances.

Your child’s story has been told so where’s the entertainment value? If she wasn’t eaten by a shark, then she probably ran away. Runaways don’t need national coverage. They need local posters illegally taped to electric poles. It’s not that we don’t care about your plight. It’s just business. Red-hot ratings for the red-hot body bag. 

Media coverage is only for girls who magically turn into bright red lobsters in the sun.

The post We Will Only Grant Your Missing Daughter a News Segment If She Magically Turns Into a Lobster After Spending Time in the Sun appeared first on Robot Butt.