Whenever I’m chatting with friends about horror movies, I like to get really quiet for a moment during the conversation, which is the opposite of my usual state. I wait for a small lull in the conversation. When everyone is quiet, I like to mutter, “Have you ever actually been scared?” It’s an incredibly creepy question to ask if you say it right.

Well? Have you? Huh? Too many questions this quickly? What if I told you I don’t care? Interesting. That’s what I thought. Now we can get down to business. This is me breaking you down psychologically in the way that, say, a horror movie antagonist would. Pretty cool, right?

I had a funny little idea pop into my head around September 30th of this year. It was something to the effect of “This year sucks. This is boring. Oh yeah, Halloween is coming!”, followed by immediately realizing that this year, October and Halloween will probably be very shitty. The only mask I want to wear is a cool-ass costume mask, but I wear my virus mask because I am also a Good Person. Only 2020 could make a global pandemic boring as hell.

How could I make Halloween, which is the holiday associated most closely with my favorite type of movie, not utterly suck this year? By adapting to new surroundings and information, of course. Some call me the chameleon because of my ability to adapt like that. Instead of doing spooky stuff with my friends, I would watch spooky movies by myself in my apartment and then rate them… so that everyone knows all the trouble I went to? It was a half-baked plan. Either way…

It started out as wanting to watch thirty-one movies I hadn’t seen before for thirty-one days of October, but by October 20th, I had absolutely blasted through that goal, and instead decided to continue drenching my eyes with gore, sex, sleeze and terrifying imagery until the end of Halloween.

The whole damn thing culminated with two movies, watched outdoors, proper social distancing required, at a friend’s house, the night of Halloween. You have to reward yourself! A perfectly acceptable version of having spooky fun in this, the year of the dogshit.

So, the rest of this winding amusement is a breakdown of every movie I watched for my self-imposed challenge, including my ranking and a little blurb about both the movie and maybe some other Easter eggs thrown in for fun.

Keep in mind that many of these movies are from before 9/11. I like to orient myself when watching a movie, to know if it is pre- or post-9/11.

IN THE BEGINNING

The first few movies I watched were mostly movies that I had meant to see for a while.

Rosemary’s Baby (1968) – 9/10

A classic. Polanski is a piece of shit but the man can make a movie.

Rosemary’s Baby was my favorite movie I watched this October, which was pretty hilarious considering it was the first one I watched. All downhill from here I suppose. My immediate love for Rosemary’s Baby should come as no surprise once you know that Hereditary is one of my all-time favorite movies. The slow-drip atmosphere makes you question just what in the heck is happening. Can you trust your judgment? Your mind? The people you love? The intense yet slightly muted payoff was refreshing. It is satisfying without beating you over the head. Most importantly, you can see where all of your favorite movies got their tricks from!

Polanski’s tale centers on a pregnant woman, her apartment and her relationships with the inhabitants of her inner circle. If you are worried that the people you trust may not be who they say they are, you should probably not watch this movie as it is likely to confirm your suspicions. Honestly, you’re probably right. They’re trying to kill you. Be careful.
I was lucky to start with a movie I had meant to see for forever, and definitely helped propel me through this project.

The Vanishing/Spoorloos (1988) – 8.5/10

I call it Spoorloos because I’m cultured, but you will be fine calling it The Vanishing. 

Why don’t we jump right smack dab into the middle of an argument? I’m in the camp that thinks that “horror movies” are a huge tent, big enough for anyone who wants to have some fun. I mention this because I’m sure there will be people who immediately mutter “more of a thriller than a horror movie” about Spoorloos and to them I laugh – cackle actually – and say “I don’t care, idiot!”

Genre markers are useful for people to argue with each other, but their use ends there. Post-apocalyptic sci-fi, black comedy, thrillers of a psychological variety or otherwise, and even some crime films are all allowed in my made-up horror movie land. My philosophy is that if it’s weird, makes you scared, or you simply consider it a horror movie, then it’s a horror movie. It is an inclusive ideology. What is art? Art is art.

Conjecture over. Check out this movie immediately. Don’t read anything about it, just find a copy and watch it. The bad guy is absolutely sick. The couple in the movie are adorable. The movie itself is EAF (I’ll use this acronym elsewhere. It stands for “Eerie as fuck.”), and you will want to know more. A great thriller horror movie does just that – sickens you while making you crave more. Without giving too much away, that theme of repulsion and attraction… well, maybe I brought that up because that’s just what the movie explores, but who’s to say?!

Color Out of Space (2019) – 6/10

Mandy, but alpacas and purple.

If you described this movie to me in the abstract, I would jump up and down and say “I’ll do anything to see this.” Upon actually seeing this movie, my actual reaction was mostly the opposite.

I don’t have a lot to say about this movie. It was fine? If you like H.P. Lovecraft and Nicolas Cage, it is worth your time, but that’s about it. Watch Mandy instead.

The Birds (1963) – 6/10

Much of this movie centers around Tippy Hedren being uppity.

I know it is a classic. I know Hitchcock was the master of suspense. Neither of those facts make this movie very fun to watch. I think it is better than the average movie, hence the above average rating, but just barely.

That being said, there is one scene in this movie that I think deserves special mention. About halfway through the movie, most of the main characters make their way to a diner in town, where they give the rest of the movie’s exposition, re-hash the plot and start to work on theories and actions to take next. It is delightful. Rapid-fire dialogue makes it hard to keep up, but Hitchcock does a professional job of using his camera to chase the scene. I don’t really want to spoil anything, so just be ready for a fun, hilarious reprieve from the “scariness” of the birds about halfway through the film.

Without the scene, The Birds easily gets a three or four out of ten from me.
Hitchcock is no ground-breaker in this regard, but I do find his treatment of traditional gender norms to be interesting in this movie. Women take on traditionally masculine roles and traits, and men take on traditionally feminine roles and traits. I’m not sure even Hitchcock could tell you he intended to play with gender; he could have simply been trying to subvert expectations and create a more “surreal” atmosphere. However, I think upon more contemporary viewings of the film, the dynamic presents itself pretty clearly and begs to be mentioned. That’s all I’m doing. I’m mentioning it. It’s mentioned.

SPOOKY SCARY CABIN WEEKEND 

For the second year in a row (you could call it a sequel), my friends and I rented a cabin and watched a bunch of scary movies. This year it culminated in a trip to the Mahoning Drive-in to see Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and 976-EVIL.

Hubie Halloween (2020) – 6/10

Perfect timing because I had just rewatched the HBO video for “At a Medium Pace,” an absolute gem.

What can be said about the Sandman that would add to the academic body examining his work? We all loved Uncut Gems, and if you didn’t you don’t really know what makes movies good, but would this hold up to the Safdie brothers hit? The answer is absolutely not but it’s fun as hell to watch this trainwreck.

A litany of celebrity cameos, tired but funny dick and fart jokes, Hubie’s Inspector Gadget thermos and the general adventure of this movie add up to generalized fun. I gave this movie the same rating as The Birds, and I stand by that. What this movie lacks in originality or artistic integrity, it makes up for in being damn fun to watch.

Let’s all just agree that he’s a normal guy and we aren’t actually laughing at a disabled person. The movie is a lot more fun that way and honestly, I think that’s how Sandler intended the character to be seen. Special shoutout to Maya Rudolph for her tour de force cameo.

Hubie Halloween drinking game that got me absolutely destroyed:

Drink every time:

1) Hubie avoids being hit or gets hit by a flying object

2) Celebrity cameo

3) Something kind of non-PC happens

4) Someone dies

Finish your drink if Hubie exceeds someone’s expectations.

Society (1989) – 8/10

Have you ever shunted before?

This movie has great politics. Period. I don’t want to explain too much about what I mean by that, because you will understand if you watch the movie and it will give a lot away. I try to avoid spoilers because I’m a great person.

A bit of a slow burner, Society‘s ending is absolutely bonkers. Some of the best body horror I have ever seen, and I was able to meet the person who did the SFX design while attending Freddy Fest II at the Mahoning Drive-In.

Let me give it to you no frills. If you are, like me, interested in drinking beers and smoking dope while watching horror films, the drive-in format can not be beat. But more on that later!

Event Horizon (1997) – 6.5/10

Sam Neill rules. Crazy stuff happens.

This movie is fun. It was the third movie we watched the first night of our cabin trip, so to be honest, I don’t really remember too many details. We had been drinking.

Halloween (2018) – 7.5/10

John Carpenter, in my mind, creates a hell of a score.

An absolute beauty of a film to ease the hangover, one can not miss with John Carpenter. Superior in every way to his contemporaries (let’s argue more), put on JC and I’m in heaven. Part of the brilliance of this movie is that it serves as almost a reboot, while not forgetting any of the brilliant legacy of the Halloween franchise. No real sideways tricks here – you’re definitely signing up for a Halloween movie with this one, but that’s what makes it fun!

Why don’t we add some more hot takes to this article? I think both of the Rob Zombie Halloween movies are fun, creepy and hold up. Letting Danny McBride and David Gordon Green take the reins was a great idea. That’s the kind of nuanced position I bring to the table: understanding that both the Zombie and McBride versions are great. McBride has shown us time and again that he has the ability to write amazing scripts. Your Highness was hilarious and this movie is also good. These are all facts.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994) – 8/10

976-EVIL (1988) – 5.5/10

Let’s talk about these together!

If you are like me, then you’ve been trapped for what seems like forever in an unending global pandemic, made worse by the fact that no one seems to take it seriously or really care about it, our own hubris and apathy acting as a cudgel, beating us nearly to death. If you are also like me, you like going to the movies. So when the idea of going to Freddy Fest II at the previously mentioned Mahoning Drive-In was floated by my friend group, the idea that spurred the entire cabin trip we were on, I was immediately sold.

Let’s talk about the movies really quickly. New Nightmare is a classic. Rarely is a movie series as good for as long as the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, and Wes Craven’s meta masterpiece lives up to the hype. It has great kills, has some nominal originality, and is ultimately satisfying.

976-EVIL is all-around pretty awful, but I love Robert Englund getting more work, and he seems to have had fun with it. Watch it if you are a fan of the series and/or Englund. Otherwise, there has to be something better you can put on. Come on, seriously.

The drive-in format is the perfect way to watch movies in a sickly 2020. Pack your negative-tested friends into a car, fill the trunk with booze and food, pay a nominal fee and now you get to go to a BYOB-encouraged movie theater. Toss in the fact that Mahoning appears to be owned by some real horror/weird movie fans, and I have to say I was very impressed. I will be back for Freddy Fest III, God willing. 

And one final thing to make the old-heads jealous: both movies played on original 35mm!

Victor Crowley (2017) – 3/10

This movie blows. Don’t see it.

What else can you say? It’s mostly shot in front of a green screen, very low budget. Sequel to Hatchet 3, which I haven’t seen. Not very fun. NEXT.

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) – 4/10

This movie could be called I Know What You Did Last Summer and Honestly, It Was BORING!

Some teens make bad decisions and the consequences of those decisions come back to kill them. Sound familiar outside of horror movie tropes? No? That’s because these kinds of kids never actually have to face the consequences of their actions. Class consciousness much?

There are probably scholarly articles examining class in this movie, so instead I will focus on the next most important aspect, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I had forgot how hot JLH is. It is striking.

I guess that about wraps up my analysis of this movie.

Martyrs (2008) – 8/10

We were having such a fun time at the cabin watching spooky movies, I figured we should watch some extended torture sequences.

What’s that? Another movie about rich people trying to kill working class and poor people? Seriously, it is a well-established trope in movies that are generally made outside of the mainstream. Is there is a reason we don’t see this trope played out in more mainstream, big-budget, studio-driven movies? Independent films satirizing the targeted destruction of the working class by the ruling class vs. Marvel movies glorifying empire and war? Have I made my point messily enough for you?

One other point I want to make about Martyrs and the New French Extremist film in general. These are good movies. They are intense, often hard to watch, and may be excessive in their depiction of violence, but horror fans won’t see anything unimaginable and will be able to focus on the story. That being said, STOP RECOMMENDING THESE MOVIES TO NON-HORROR FANS. You’re giving us a bad name. People unfamiliar with the genre have other, better places to start. What the hell are you idiots doing?
If you can stomach some torture scenes that are actually a lesser percentage of the movie than you would be led to believe by internet reviews, this is a great tale of revenge, the human spirit, and some political statements sprinkled throughout.

Eat the rich.

Demon Knight (1995) – 6.5/10

I see Billy Zane? I smash the like button.

This has to be an entry for the “oh yeah, I remember that actor” hall of fame. A feature-length offering brought to you by Tales from the Crypt, this movie will have you exclaiming repeatedly! The guy from Wings! Wow! Billy Zane as the villain! Holy crap! Jada Pinkett before the Smith! No way! That other guy!

It breaks no records and shatters no expectations but this movie is a ton of fun, and builds a unique atmosphere. The creature/costume directors need to be recognized for their efforts here, and as an adventure, it works.

The dude from Wings plays a love-to-hate-him kind of character and he sells it. Perfect heel status.

The Faculty (1998) – 7/10

Who doesn’t love an ensemble cast!?

Ultimately, I think this movie is about doing whatever is needed to stop being a goth. Whether that is a good or bad thing depends on whether or not you think being a goth is good or not. Me? I don’t have enough information to make an accurate assessment.

Made for a great last movie to watch at the cabin with friends.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME FOR PART TWO

You thought that was bad? We are just getting started. See my roundup of the rest of the movies in the second part. COMING SOON.

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