As graduation ceremonies across the nation are threatened by cancellation or delays, high school graduates are wondering where and how they can commemorate their last few moments of joy before they head off to pursue the career of their parents’ dreams. 

Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, students are now left pondering dilemmas like, “What other time in my life am I going to get to be in the same room as my best friend, the guy I lost my virginity to AND the gym teacher who I’m pretty sure has been hitting on me this whole time?” and the obvious “Will I ever get to say goodbye to my friends who all secretly hated me and will probably never talk to me again at college?”

Zoom classrooms everywhere are filled with despair as teens are too sad, stoned, and busy masturbating to finish out the year with a happy face. “It’s definitely upsetting; I was really looking forward to saying goodbye to all my teachers,” said student Cole Smith. “They never bothered to learn my name but deep down I know they’ll miss me.”

Graduation isn’t the only pivotal high school event set to be canceled; prom is also likely out of the picture as well. Students can kiss their dreams of being awkwardly caressed by a friend of a friend who they barely know and honestly looked better in pictures goodbye.

“I know it’s best for everyone’s safety but this dress was really expensive and I look really good in it, so… can’t we just pause the virus or something?” said Nicole Jones, student body president of North Florida High.

Clearly, the closings are affecting all students, but the ones taking it the hardest seem to be the athletes. Unable to finish out the season and gain closure on the only thing their parents have ever been proud of them for, many of those involved in sports are having a hard time adjusting from team sports to home workouts.

“Steroids just don’t work as well from my living room,” said football team captain Colin White. “And it’s hard to stay motivated to take them without Coach breathing down my neck.”

To help ease the dismay of the Graduating Class, music streaming services and radio stations nationwide are releasing playlists dedicated to the students curated by their favorite artists, because if there is anything the world needs right now, perhaps even more than a vaccine, it is to hear what Camila Cabello has been listening to while quarantined in her mansion.

“I know things seem bleak and this is unfair but there’s always college to look forward to,” Cabello said when asked if she had advice for the class of 2020. “I didn’t go, but I’ve heard it’s fun sometimes.”

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