Let’s face it, folks, some marriages just aren’t built to last. And when you add kids into the mix, it can make things especially difficult. Do you get a divorce? Do you force yourself through a series of lengthy, arduous legal procedures?

No, you’ve got to do what’s best for the children… right?

That’s why, even though my wife, Sharon, and I may not care for each other anymore, we’ve done some serious soul searching. And we’ve decided to stay in our loveless marriage. At least until the kids from Stranger Things all make it into college.

Then, immediately after that, we’re both going to get divorced.

And I mean immediately.

You see, even though Sharon and I no longer feel a spark of connection when we look into each other’s eyes, we still want to set a good example for all the kids from Stranger Things. And we want to remind the kids from Stranger Things of all the many incredible benefits that a stable, two-parent household can provide. And (most important of all) we want all those spectacular kids from Stranger Things to know that they’re the most important people in the world to us!

And, despite the fact that none of the kids from Stranger Things actually know who my wife and I even are, I’m positive that, when they learn about the incredible sacrifice we made for them, they’re gonna be over the freaking moon!

Because, you know what, we love the kids from Stranger Things, dammit! And we want nothing but the best for them. And every time we stream Stranger Things on our TV, and we see those incorrigible tykes fighting the Demogorgon alongside their good friends Winona Ryder and Police Chief Jim Hopper, we know that we’re making the right decision.

Just thinking about them: Mike. Lucas. Will Byers. Eleven. Steve Harrington.

I know these names better than I know the names of my own parents!

And even though this does not (and, it should be noted, cannot) affect the kids from Stranger Things in any capacity whatsoever, my wife and I are committed to staying in this cold, bitter, dysfunctional, emotionally-toxic wreck of a relationship for the next few years. At least until all the kids from Stranger Things get accepted into Columbia, Tufts, Yale, Bowdoin, Missoula, University of Chicago, and Arizona State University respectively.

And, finally, when our precious little Gaten Matarazzo gets accepted into Brandeis, that’s when Sharon and I are going to smile sadly at one another. We’ll share one last, bittersweet hug…

And then we’ll say “goodbye” forever.

Then, after doing that, we’ll both immediately turn towards Jessica and Harris (our own two children, ages 4 and 7 respectively), and we’ll say to them: “Whelp, looks like the kids from Stranger Things are off to college. And you know what that means.”

Then we’ll jump on the train to Divorce City and never look back!

So, to any parents out there who may be considering divorces of their own, just think about the consequences for a second. Because, sure, some people out there might tell you that, sometimes, its better to get a divorce; and that you don’t want to force your children to grow up in a caustic, loveless environment that will ultimately traumatize them in ways a divorce never could, but just think about the children.

Do you really want the kids from Stranger Things to be disappointed in you?

I sure don’t.

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