We at Boeing are deeply concerned about passenger safety. That’s why as soon as our aircraft started dropping out of the sky like the backwards rapture had begun, we were the first to notify the FAA of safety alert problems in the 737 Max.

Because of our commitment to human preservation, we are now installing ejectable seats* on all passenger jets from this day forward.

Your life should be in your own hands, not that of some lowly factory worker who is suing our company for shoddy production. Your life definitely shouldn’t rest with the stupid pilots we blame for malfunctioning electronic systems. If there’s one thing we in the aerospace business know, it’s that people who travel by air want to know THEY are in control.

And now, freedom and liberty from your aerojet anytime you want it is as simple as pressing a button!

Don’t want to put that germ-infested oxygen mask on your face? Eject!

Don’t give a shit who Sully is and refuse to ever touch the toxic waters of the Hudson? Eject!

Wondering why you didn’t get upgraded to first-class? Eject, eject, eject!

Nobody hates our employees as much as we do. So why would we ever expect you to trust that shady steward who refuses to give you the whole can of Coke? Or the maintenance crew on the ground with their pansy glowing jackets? I mean, Boeing would not even be in the news if it weren’t for the guy who drives that little ladder bus looking through the window at the cockpit panel! How else do you think those malfunctions happened?!

Still, Boeing is committed to taking action and responsibility even when we refuse to take any.

Don’t like our entertainment offerings? Eject!

Not enough leg room? Through the roof!

Sick of that jerk behind you kicking your seat? Press his button on your way to the bathroom and watch him disappear!

We’ve thought of every possible safety hazard a precious Boeing could confront because we care about you feeling safe and responsible for your own life!

Each ejectable seat is outfitted with asbestos flame retardant in case your flying vessel runs into a fire-breathing dragon mid-air or is randomly hit by a flying asteroid that made its way into Earth’s atmosphere.

The seats are also floatation devices, should the oceans rise at such rapid rates so as to engulf your vessel in apocalyptic waters.

The cup holders serve as literal ghost traps for all your fellow passengers who remained onboard as the plane acted like a seagull going in for the kill. You can save their souls!

Ready to divorce, but too afraid to face it? Nothing says we need some time apart like ejection!

Crying baby? Eject that whiny newborn right out of there!

Tapas Snackbox taste like the cardboard box it came in? Escape, bail out, explosively propel yourself to what you deserve!

When no one can find your plane because the warning light is optional and your penny-pinching airline company decided to not buy it, you can, literally, jump ship. The tragedies that have occurred due to a chain of events that were definitely someone’s fault but not ours weighs heavily on our hearts. We are dedicated to bringing a secure and safe experience to the flying public, and our new ejectable dragon-fighting, apocalypse-resistant rocket seats are now available* for your pleasure.

*Ejectable seats are only available as separate add-on products. It is up to your individual airline to purchase these important safety features. If you opt for a cheaper flight, well, fuck you. You get what you pay for.

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