To Whom It May Concern,

I am Chris’ Doctor. Per a thorough and totally real examination, Chris can’t make it in to work today because he’s got a 24-hour flu. He would have a full-blown flu, a flu that would keep most people out for five or six days, but Chris has the strongest immune system I’ve ever seen. Not to mention an exceedingly chiseled jaw line and near flawless bone structure.

As Chris’ doctor, I feel obligated to mention what unbelievable good shape Chris is in, considering his 9-5 desk job and sedentary lifestyle. If he were to work out just one or two times per week, he’d easily be able to complete the Ironman in record-setting time. He doesn’t because he doesn’t feel the need to prove himself to anyone. As Chris’ doctor, I’ve never met someone with more individualism and self-reliance.

As a fully licensed medical professional, I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence if I didn’t tell you to stop being so critical of Chris’ work. He tries his very best, as his DNA test results prove he’s a self-starter and full of resolve. However, he’s also genetically predisposed to not enjoying criticism. It’s not that he doesn’t have thick skin. I tested his skin and it’s as thick as I’ve ever seen. It’s that he’s physically allergic to hearing words like “underachiever,” “subpar” or “you’re fired.”

Mentally, Chris is capable of withstanding unbelievable amounts of criticism. This allergy, sadly, is a weakness. In fact, his only weakness. If you see him having a reaction, take measures fast. Showering him with compliments will slow his pulse and return his breathing to normal. If someone ran to the break room to grab him a Pamplemouse La Croix, that would help, too.

After running a series of blood tests, I also noticed that Chris is suffering from a very rare deficiency. His red blood cells are, well, it’s too complicated to explain to a layperson. However, it’s caused by what we in the medical community call a “below-market salary.” As a physician, I highly recommend you give Chris a 15% raise immediately, or he may have grounds for a serious lawsuit. Of course, I can’t be sure since I’m not a lawyer. Just a highly certified, totally real doctor.

Lastly, and I say this simply as a medical professional and Chris’ longtime physician, but Chris’ ex is totally wrong about him. I’ve never met someone with so little fear of commitment, and also he totally does “get the point” of Westworld. Again, this is just my scientifically unbiased opinion.

Thanks,

Dr. Otzman

The post A Note From My Doctor, Definitely Not Dictated by Me appeared first on Robot Butt.