CHANDLER, Ariz. – Citing concerns over his apparently waning ambitions and overall fitness, Gillian Cromwell wishes her shooter boyfriend, Glen Turkins, would be more active.
“He goes on and on about the coworkers he hates and how much every other race drives him to the point of insanity,” she said. “But all he ever does is sit on the couch and talk about it. I really wish he’d get up and be true to his word for once.”
Cromwell is pained by the memory of the man she once knew, a man who promised that the bloodshed by his hand would lead a revolution to “take back the country.”
“I guess when I used to watch him shoot at cars from the highway overpass, I figured he’d be on to bigger and better things by now,” Cromwell said. Now, she says, Turkins hasn’t written any new chapters to his 3,200-page manifesto in months, and his lethargic attitude has taken a toll not just on his physical appearance, but on their relationship.
“The gun just sits there next to him,” Cromwell said. “Sometimes he keeps his finger on the trigger for hours and I think he’ll finally sprint outside for a nice, long jog over to the mall, but then he just slumps back down. It’s disheartening to see him like this.”
In an effort to stir up her boyfriend’s lingering hatred into a blinding murderous rage, Cromwell plays speeches from President Obama and reminds Turkins that, at any moment, the government could be on their doorstep to take his extensive collection of automatic weapons.
“I do see Glen’s eyes light up when he watches Donald Trump speak,” Cromwell said. “And when Trump won New Hampshire, he stayed up all night doing sit-ups to begin preparing for ‘the oncoming war.'”
“With any luck, I’ll have my old Glen back soon enough.”