Update Your Twitter Bio
Your Twitter bio is very important because it is like your business card, but even more useless. With that in mind, it’s about time you freshened that baby up! Out with #ImWithHer and in with #NotMyPresident. Remember, the only thing standing between America and a fascist takeover is you!
Get Back in the Gym
Let’s face it. You let yourself go a little this Election season. You spent too much time checking the polls, being outraged, tweeting fire election-themed takes, and sitting on the couch eating Nutella out of the jar. Now that the election stress is over and everything is back to normal, it’s time to get your cardio on, even though, let’s be real, no matter how fit you are you aren’t going to outrun a nuclear bomb.
Hug the Ones You Love
Love trumps hate. We all know this is true, except when it comes to elections and most other things. So with the divisive election firmly in the rearview mirror, start spreading love whenever you can. Cherish every moment you have with your family and friends. Hold them close as the planet slowly but surely heats up, literally catches fire, and morphs into a ball of flame and molten lava.
Write Your Novel
You know it’s there, just waiting for you. That Word document on your laptop called “Novel” that is empty except for the word “TITLE” at the top. Now that you no longer have to spend three or four hours each night poring over data on new voter registration demographics for Florida’s I-4 corridor, you can finally start and finish your masterpiece. Come up with a plot and some characters and just bang it out. There is no time like the present to stare at a blank computer screen every night before bed and think about death.
Update Your Resume
You worried incessantly for months about the future of your country and did absolutely nothing to help out, so it’s time to finally do you now. Get back out there in the job market and chase that paper! But first, you’ll have to polish up the resume a little. Open up your resume file, select all text, and press delete. Then, because nothing matters, type in “I AM REALLY GREAT AT EVERYTHING. BELIEVE ME.” Save, email it out, and wait for the job offers to roll in.
Go Back to School
Now is the time for personal growth. In an increasingly uncertain world, it is important to expand your skill set to remain competitive in the marketplace and alive. Research your local community college or university to see if they offer any courses such as Krav Maga, Propaganda 101, Small Watercraft Design and Construction, or Authoritarianism: Pros and Cons.
Learn How to Use Excel
You’re a little bit mad as hell right now and you know what that means: Time to step up your online activism game! And to get the most bang for your slacktivism buck, you have to stay organized. You’re going to need a killer spreadsheet to make sure no MoveOn.org petitions slide past you unsigned.
Watch All the Old Shows on Your DVR
Be sure to keep a box of tissues handy for when you are fast forwarding through old Stronger Together ads. You will get surprisingly emotional.
Liquidate All Your Assets and Make Sure Your Passport Is Current
You know, just in case.
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