I don't want to alarm anybody or give the government a reason to institute a fair share user fee on fear, but I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with our little world (Earth). Maybe it's the universe or perhaps I'm having some sort of weird eighties flashback, but I'm positive the older I get the more Gravity has increased on our planet.
Back in the day (possibly a Tuesday), I was a manly specimen of manly masculinity content with spending my days radiating testosterone on an industrial scale. Now it seems I don’t radiate so much as I ooze.
This wouldn't be a bad thing if one was, say, an Amoeba. Oozing is probably quite attractive on the single-celled dating scene. Oozing would be considered a strong personal attribute. Perhaps even a critical element in the courting ritual. In humans, a grotesque oozing mass tends to mean you are looking to date an amoeba. Something only legal in the State of Utah. Or possibly Quebec. So long as the amoeba had English signage in French.
The truth of the matter is, Mother Nature really hates the human race. Remember when you were younger? When you could eat practically anything? You could consume ice cream right out of the carton - wear it like a hat - and not gain an ounce.
That’s because the planet was smaller back then. Turns out Mother Earth has an insatiable appetite for cosmic debris. Secret passions being what they are, this “comfort food” goes right to Mother Earth’s mountain ranges. The result is higher gravity and the reason why the bathroom scale begs for mercy.
The big question is where did all of our extra baggage come from? Perhaps it was building quietly, waiting patiently amongst the belly button lint. Every Twinkie, every Oreo, every M&M forming some bizarre spatial singularity teetering on critical mass.
The moment you Reach adulthood, all those calories go nova. You go to bed one night looking like an average sized human and wake up in the morning docked beside the Queen Marie.
Blame for this can be traced back through the ages to one Sir Isaac Newton. For those not familiar with this Story, Mr. Newton was sitting under his favourite tree one day quietly contemplating life when BAM! (Bam!) a giant amoeba bounced off his head.
No, wait! Wrong story! It was an apple, which he ate because he was hungry from all that contemplating.
I'm not saying gravity has increased for everyone. Some people are immune to these global effects. If you happen to be one of those people, you can be sure the rest of us hate you. We would not be averse to your having an unfortunate altercation with an angry sheep.
Let’s face facts; being an adult means we run the very real risk of looking down one day and discovering we no longer look like we did in college. We may very well reach a point when we can no longer see the bottom half of our body. When our trust in the belief we still have feet is based solely on the fact we haven’t fallen over.
Thankfully gravity has kept us firmly planted.
Blame Mother Earth.
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