After only having had a few hours of sleep I realized there was no way Slappie was going to let me rest in peace.

She was fuming over me not playing along and giving her the attention she felt she deserved. I figured it was in my own best interest to get up and take her to pick up her truck like she had demanded.

Reluctantly, I stood up and made my way over to the vanity. I brushed my teeth and then tried in vain to cover the dark circles under my eyes. I reached into the closet and pulled out a sun dress, then slipped on a pair of flip flops and made my way downstairs. Only once decended, Slappie was nowhere to be found.

I charged back up the stairs and into her room. Becky was under a blanket snoring.

WTF?

Oh well, I was up now.

There was only one thing that could cure my hangover.

Brunch.

No way was I going to invite Slappie. I already  knew first hand that champagne and elderly stripper did not mix!

So, instead I called my good friend Ha.

“Hey girl! What are you up to?” I asked.

“Just helping my mom prep some food for this evening, why?”

“You want to go to brunch?” I asked.

“When?”

“Now! I have got to get out of this apartment. Slappie is driving me crazy. I’ll tell you all about it when I see you.”

“Sure. Okay,” she agreed. “Be there in fifteen.”

I spent a little more time trying to fix my puffy face with makeup, then wandered down to the front stoop. Ha was already there waiting.

“Where do you want to eat?” she asked.

“I know a place not far, within walking distance. I went there with Slappie last week. She made out with the midget waiter!” I exclaimed.

“Shut up!”

During the walk, I filled Ha in on the details of Slappie’s antics; from cutting herself to trying to kiss me. Ha couldn’t believe it. Little did she know she was about to witness Slappie in action first hand!

We pigged out on eggs and taters, washing it down with cheap sparkling wine and juice until the restaurant began to close for the day. I was really in no rush to get back to the condo.

When we finally did make it back, Slappie had returned and brought a man with her.

“This is Joey! We are going to sleep together. He’s wanted to fuck me for a long time but I told him he couldn’t touch me until he had an AIDS test. The results came back today,” she bragged. “No AIDS!”

“Congratulations?” I said, feeling a little awkward.

“Joey took me to pick up my truck. Wasn’t that nice of him? He’s been taking care of me.”

“Totally. Thanks Joey!” I said with a wink, glad to have been let off the hook. Hey, if this dude wanted to be pulled into her bullshit, that was his choice. At least he’d be getting some pootang out of it. I could sense he shared my same point of view.

Wanting to take advantage of Slappie’s good mood, I decided to do a little butt kissing.

“Let me know when you are ready for me to do your hair,” I offered.

“Let’s do it right now!” Slappie demanded.

Shit! Seriously? I walked right into that one.

“Right now? Well what about Joey? I thought you guys had plans…”

“Joey doesn’t mind, do you?” she asked him.

He shook his head no. I’d be damned. Slappie had already turned him into her little bitch.

“Isn’t he sweet?” she asked. “Joey is only 25, huh?” she added proudly.

“Isn’t he too young for you?” I wanted to ask. Then again, middle aged Slappie had been sleeping with an 18 year old recently.

I bit my tongue.

Ha looked like she was about to say goodbye. In desperation to get her to stay, I asked her if she needed her hair done too.

That worked! I had convinced Ha to stay and be my Slappie buffer! What luck?

Becky wandered down not long after we had returned. She seemed to be doing much better since her second surgery and was steadily recovering.

I applied Slappie’s color first then I put on Ha’s.

Ha and I stepped out onto the back  patio for a cancer stick. Becky followed behind. Before I knew it, Joey was out there too. The four of us were telling jokes and laughing.

I could see Slappie leering from the inside. She didn’t seem to like that we were all getting along.

Not one bit.

A second later the patio door slid open.
“Asterisk, I need you to wash me out right now! Okay?” she demanded.

“I’ll be there in a second.”

“GRRRRRR!” Slappie slammed the patio door and went stomping over to the kitchen sink with her arms crossed against her lopsidedly enhanced chest.

Once again Slappie could not handle not being the center of attention.

“I better go in there,” I said wide eyed.

Everyone just laughed at good ole Slappie.

After washing Slappie’s color out, I started the second process of applying purple and pink streaks to her hair.

Once the foils were all in, I washed out Ha. “Thanks so much Asterisk! I love it!”

Ha said she had to get back home so I reluctantly walked her onto the front stoop.

We were just saying our goodbyes when we heard the front door swing open.

Both of us turned around to see Slappie in the center of the doorway. Her face was bright red and her eyes appeared to be glowing as if she was possessed. Her arms were resting on her hips and she was wearing an oversized hair cape with the top of her head covered in tin foil.

“You fucked up my hair!” she growled through clenched teeth. “Asterisk I told you to put the pink highlight by my face! What? I just opened this foil and it’s purple! Purrrrrr-pooole!”

It took everything I had to swallow my oncoming laugher.

“Oops!” I said.

“ARRRRHHHHHHHH!” she furiously hissed. I watched her turn on her heels and the cape caught wind, twirling like that of an evil Disney witch.

I don’t know why, but instead of going home like a normal person would do, my fabulous little Ha instead opted to stay for the show.

“Don’t worry Asterisk, I’m from the ghetto. I’m used to this shit,” she assured me.

The second we were back inside it happened.

“You are a fucking bitch Asterisk. You are crazy. No wonder Sam left you. Crazy Asterisk!” she screamed.

That was it. I had finally reached my limit of bullshit with her.

I stood tall and I began to shout, “You are a fucking nutty old hag. Nobody can fucking stand you! I can’t stand you. You should be locked up you nasty old whore bag!”

It was as if the hair cape was magic because suddenly that bitch could fly. She came pummeling towards me like a retarded superman. Her arms were stretched out straight ahead of her body and her hands were in tiny fists.

Before I could even blink, little Joey had her by the waist and was holding her back.

Slappie’s arms were moving up and down like she was trying to play the drums.

Slap! Slap! Slap!

Into the air she played her invisible instrument completely off rythem.

Slap! Slap! Slap!

“In gonna kick your fucking ass you dumb bitch! Let me go! Let me go, Joey!” she hollered.

I went upstairs and began to pack my belongings. Even though I didn’t have anywhere to go, there was no way I was staying another night.

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Filed under: Beauty, booze, comedian, Comedy, crazy, dark humor, domestic violence, Drunk, fight, funny, Home, Humor, indie, mental illness, narcissist, sociopath, threats, victim Tagged: becky, brunch, champagne, color, disney, domestic violence, foil, friendship, fucking, ha, hair, home, hungover, instrument, invisible, possessed, retarded, roommate, slap, slappie, sleep, stripper, superman, witch