Today starts out like any normal day. I don’t have to go to work today (thank god), and my plan is to do a whole lot of NOTHING all day. Plans change very quickly. For anyone that doesn’t know already, my fiancée is a nurse. Not just a nurse, but he works for the local hospice. So, basically, he sees his patients for a few days, and then they pass away, kinda a forgone conclusion in his job field, I couldn’t do it, but he loves it, more power to him. Obviously, there are certain certifications and things as a nurse you have to do to keep you license up to date. In his case, one of those is CPR certification. Understandable. Well, since this is the 21st century and all, a lot of his “continued training” can be done online. CPR training is one of them. My initial thought process was, “How can you train for CPR online? Isn’t that kinda like learning how to preform brain surgery by watching a video on you tube?” But what the heck do I know? I work in a restaurant; I don’t normally deal with life and death situations. I just throw food at you, I am not saving lives, that’s Richard’s job. Anyway, so he has to complete this ONLINE CPR course before he can go to an actual facility and do a more “hands on” re certification process. SO, he’s doing the online part at my house at the moment. I’m just minding my own business, watching some random Food Network show and chugging coffee. As I vegetate, I start to hear a, quite obscene amount of words coming from Richard as he attempts to finish this “RED CROSS required” CPR course online. I think he’s just overreacting, as he screams and curses at my computer, then I finally wander over and check to see what is so hard about this process. WELL, this entire online course is basically set up like a cheap video game from the 1980’S. You have to go through various simulations of people needing CPR and complete all the tasks in a complete manner, before you can move onto the next level. Now, mind you, there are about 6 different tasks you have to complete before you go to the next level, and there are, from what I can see, about 6 levels you have to complete before you can get certified to then go ACTUALLY take a physical class to get your CPR certification. As I am watching Richard scream obscenities at my innocent computer screen, I make this regretful, sarcastic comment,
“A child could do all of this, let me see if I can finish one of the levels off for you.”
“Go right ahead,” he hisses at me, “Best of luck!”
I try a level, and I complete it, no sweat. SO, I grin and respond,
“SEE, that’s easy.” I tell Richard to go to work, and I’ll finish this “stupid” test for him. He cheerfully goes off to work, giggling like a drunken high school student as he runs out my front door. I go back to the test thinking that this is going to be about as easy as getting the panties off a professional stripper. I start the next level. YES! I consider the fact that I am kinda, sort of cheating for him, but I KNOW he knows how to give CPR, and this “test” looks easy enough that my cat could finish it, besides; he has to go to a physical class after this anyway, right? So I start level 2. I have to save a baby from choking, virtually. I can tell you this much, this test is SO precise, if you make one wrong move, you “kill” the infant in question.
I have “virtually” killed this poor child SO many times; I have made an abortion clinic look like and adoption center.
After about 3 hours, I FINALLY save an infant to the Red Cross’ satisfaction. The downside is this, I have screamed every foul word I can think of at my computer, punched the monitor, called my mother and ask her why I was ever born, before I completed this one “simple” level. Then I made another fatal mistake. I tried the NEXT level. I have, basically, murdered SO many people trying to figure how to position my mouse “just so” as to give this simulation to responses it wanted, I have killed more “people” than the Civil War and Vietnam combined.
I give up, I watch Food network for about 2 more hours trying to clear my head of all the “internet murders” I have just committed, then get REALLY angry, and take a break to write it all down here. Sorry Richard, I’m going to go back on my “online killing spree” soon. I just needed a break.
Clara Barton is a bitch.
