On Tuesday, officials speaking on behalf of the Vatican were tight-lipped while addressing rumors that the Pope did not actually know he would be meeting with conservative activist Kim Davis. Davis was reportedly paid a secret visit by the pontiff, during which time he offered words of comfort, encouraging her to, quote, "stay strong." Davis' camp has gone on to promote the event as a powerful endorsement of her cause. However, new information indicates that the Pope was, in actuality, "rat-fucked" into meeting with Davis, thinking instead that he would be greeted by his supposed No. 1 Fan, a Miss Annie Wilkes of Colorado.
Doctors Without Borders is appealing to the U.N. Security Council following the ill-fated U.S. missile strike that killed scores inside an MSF hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan. American forces were said to be in the area assisting Afghan forces in taking back the region for a group of upstart Taliban soldiers who descended upon the city last week. Borders president Joanne Liu is calling for an independent Probe, expressing concerns over a possible cover-up, a suggestion to which the Americans responded bluntly, stating:
"We'll probe ourselves, thank you very much."
The Heritage Foundation released an eye opening report on Wednesday, detailing the expected far-right voter turnout for the upcoming 2016 presidential election. The study found that while able to attract relentless media attention, most fringe groups, particularly those associated with the notorious Tea Party, will have minimal impact on a nationwide basis, but may effectively sway small districts throughout southern states and certain parts of the Upper Midwest.
To promote basic comprehension of the study among the affected voter base, researchers released their findings in the form of an easy to read children's book, entitled: The Stupids Step-Out.
To promote basic comprehension of the study among the affected voter base, researchers released their findings in the form of an easy to read children's book, entitled: The Stupids Step-Out.
Police in Ausintown, Ohio, were stunned last Friday after responding to a call from a not-too-bright citizen who claimed to be "too high." When police finally located the caller's residence, they entered the property to find a thoroughly inebriated 22-year-old college student surrounded entirely by Doritos and Goldfish.
"I've never been better."
Last week the national press got a taste of the new social studies curriculum cooked up the notoriously conservative Texas Board of Education. The new material, which will be available for distribution in 2016, is described by critics as a total "whitewash" of history. They charge that the new text consistently plays down the shear brutality of slavery in the Americas, while totally minimizing the significance of those who opposed it. One critic went so far as to label the historical accounting as "farcical," also noting that some of the accompanying graphics were just plain offensive.
