Shalom, bitches. Like it or not, I’ve come to reclaim my throne position as your friendly neighborhood Vanderpump Rules recapper. Sweetest Betch You’ll Ever Meet did a great job while I was out living my best good life, and I thank her for her duties. And to the one person who said I was cancelled, well, I run this website so I’m officially un-cancelling myself. You can never get rid of me !!! So you are able to as well learn to enjoy it.( Things I say to my boyfriends when they try to break up with me .)

This episode opens with Brunch with Billie, a new event. James shows up and Lisa is like “WTF are you doing here? ” Weird how when Kristen shows up to the place from which she was fired , no one bats an attention, but when James does it, Lisa dedicates him the third-degree.

Stassi is starting #OOTD Day, a redundantly appointed fake festivity all the persons who follows her on Instagram has known about for months. I want, this seems less like official holidays and more like an off-brand Revolve party. But whatever.

Katie and Kristen show up to Billie’s brunch, even though Lisa has allegedly boycotted Kristen from SUR four times. Clearly they need a better security system at this establishment.

Billie : strong> Ugh why did Katie and Kristen came by, it’s awkward.
Also Billie : strong>* goes up to Katie and Kristen immediately to start sh* t about James*

Billie summons Kristen out for campaigning against James, and Katie announces Billie out for campaigning against Kristen. I’ve gotta say, it’s unusually rage-inducing watching Katie, one of the most specious parties on this display, accuse Billie of being sanctimonious. It’s like they’re all almost with it fairly, but they precipitate time short fairly of realizing that they are all, individually and collectively, totally full of sh* t.

At Stassi’s # OOTD party, she’s like “I’m on my space to constructing a Lisa Vanderpump-esque empire but it’s basic bitch.” Okay, how is Stassi” I’m the ogre and don’t you forget it” Schroeder the only self-aware one here?

So I was right in my mistrusts over the summer that Girls Night is changing See You Next Tuesday.( I virtually wrote an essay about it at the time but I wasn’t sure. Now I know I should have. Oh well .) Anyway, Katie and co. are behaving like the establishment of Girls Night is a major feminist milestone. Yes, this is what we all marched for on Saturday. This is what the #MeToo founders had precisely in psyche: a lingerie party.

Lala says she’s going to the studio to insure James, and Katie does her thing of “wow I can’t believe you’d hang out with someone who’s not on my pre-approved register of friends for you to have.” Yeah, I agree with everyone on Reddit and in my closed Facebook group: Katie is the worst captain of the group.

Lala, literally after Katie and Kristen play her into not wanting to go to the studio with James : strong> Lala is no fiddle.

IDK girl, are you on the roof, being held by a milkman worded Tevye? Cause methinks you’re a violin who just got played real good.( I haven’t interpreted Fiddler on the Roof so I’m entrusting Wikipedia is so that joke moored. Did I get it right ?)

Stassi, gushing about #OOTD daytime : strong> It’s so crazy that all these f* cking parties are out there taking pictures of their outfits.

Yeah … welcome to Instagram, Stassi! That’s what we do here.

Omg watching Lisa literally PUSH SCHEANA DOWN TO THE FLOOR BY THE TOP OF HER HEAD so she can talk to Brittany has crowded my bank account, cleared my bark, and attached my sleep planned. I live. I breathe. I was so excited by that time, I literally didn’t even listen to Lisa and Brittany’s conversation. Sorry. I think it’s about that non-fight at the staff convene that no one is cares about? I’m speaking for all of us when I say that.

In the middle of Lisa and Brittany’s convo, which seems to be going well, Jax comes up with his shirt unbuttoned to his navel to start a fight for literally no reason. I feel like this is peak Jax/ humen in general: involving themselves in something that has nothing to do with them when the women were doing perfectly fine on their own.

Jax : strong> James could literally be adjusting flaming to the restaurant and Lisa could be like “Well Jax, you thought about doing something like this once”

I don’t know why Jax thinks that this is a zero-sum game? Does he think he and James are mutually exclusive beings? Are they horcruxes of each other, neither can be employed at SUR while the other survives?

Katie was complaining about Jax screaming about his nuptial and said AND I Repeat: “Bro, you have 11 months to your nuptial. Chill the f* ck out.”

Guys. Guys. GUYS. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is richer than Bill Gates. The selective amnesia is so strong.

So Lala tell herself get dallied and bailed on James’ studio session. Sandoval comes to play the cornet instead. Here is some actual footage of Sandoval’s trumpet playing:

James : strong> They’re all following each other like ducks. Who’s the duck. Duck duck goose. It’s a child’s game.

I think we all just got a value task in how James’s mind drives. I was actually able to get an MRI scan of James’ ability. Now “its by”:

So at Katie’s place, all the girls( minus Billie–this will be very relevant afterwards ), are determining flyers to prepare for Girls Night. Lala makes her top off for the promo pic. Katie has nothing to say about it, supporting she’s come a long way from Lala’s debut. Or she just really doesn’t want to f* ck up those PJ advantages. Either way.

Brittany is STILL talking about the fight with Lisa. Like, why isn’t she over this? I’m over it. Lisa is over it. The souls of bartenders past that roams the passageways of SUR are over it. So here’s what happens next:

Everyone: …
Brittany : strong> I’m tired of everyone waiting for Jax to mess up, I can’t do this, I’m leaving.

Holy crap, Brittany is losing her sh* t. I’ve legit never seen this. Did Brittany have too much pasta? I will spend the rest of my life searching for an explanation for this. It doesn’t make sense !!

I feel like if Brittany is going to go this ballistic every time person questions her about wed contrives, she should just elope. Like, did I miss a vital part of information? Or is this the biggest overreaction we’ve insured since Jax’s meltdown at SUR last-place season?

We may never know. In all such cases, Scheana and Lala go to acting readings together.

Lala : strong>* develops a random scenario because this is improv and that is the purpose of this exercise*
Scheana : strong> I just got divorced, I just got out of such relationships with Rob, who are in a position hang a Tv in under 7 hours, BTW.

That’s not how the present working, Scheana. That’s not how any of this works.

Ok so now they’re acting out orgasms, which I genuinely did not need to hear.( I actually softened my TV so my roommate wouldn’t think I was watching porn in the common field like a psychopath .) But I did need to hear that Scheana never had an orgasm until last year. But did Rob manufacture her cum in under 7 hours? I really need to know. I will now be stalking Shay’s social media is how he responds to that not-so-subtle dig at his manhood.

OMG I’m so excited, we’re now getting to Billie Lee’s Girls Night theatre.* grabs popcorn*

For those of you who don’t follow these trash bags on social media during the course of its off-season( you’re not better than me ), here’s the gist: Katie didn’t call Billie in a announce about Girls Night, and Billie low-key alleged her of being transphobic by insinuating that she wasn’t invited to Girls Night BECAUSE she is trans. I entirely get why Billie would feel confidential about this, dedicated her past events, and if Katie and Co. had any modicum of appreciation, they are able to apologize for offsetting Billie was of the view that space WHILE ALSO expressing that it was not their intent to do so. But Katie Maloney and empathy are basically oxymorons, so get your aprons, because what happens next is messy.

We get to Girls Night, and astonishingly, a lot of people are there. Noticeably, Sandoval is absent–he goes to James and Raquel’s to drink had increased in garbs. Nothing has ever been more on-brand for Sandoval.

Billie Lee gets to Girls Night, shoots scorching, talking loudly to anyone who will hear about how she wasn’t included in the planning of the contest. Ariana and Scheana go over to try to comfort Billie/ explain their line-up. Then Katie comes over, and it all goes to sh* t instantly. There’s a lot of bawling. It’s hard for me to recap, because nobody is speaking in turn, and also because I can’t focus on anything but the sheer immensity of Billie’s crazy looks. For real, look at this:

Ariana : strong> I merely want to cook us a cake made use of rainbows and smiles and we can eat it and be happy.

At this pitch I simply care person would separate the fourth wall and admit that this has everything to do with the facts of the case that Billie isn’t a full casting representative yet.

Billie alleges Katie of having/ displaying cis privilege, and the girls are all up in arms about how that’s not applicable in this situation/ a real thing. Strong commands considering they declare themselves that they don’t even know what cis advantage symbolizes.

Me : strong>

And by” propel a pen at it” I imply” deny its scope of application in this situation while continuing to claiming to be an ally “.

In a scene that will recur me in my ordeals for decades to come, Katie gets the go-ahead from Lisa to do Girls Night every Tuesday and Kristen literally BUSTS IN to the one-on-one interview room, doing a full dissolve zone touchdown dance, like “I WON !! JAMES IS GONE, BITCH !!! ” In speciman you needed considerably evidence that this was NEVER about body-shaming or feminism and completely about the facts of the case that Kristen can’t get over her past rapport, I present you Exhibits -AZ.

While still at Girls Night, Billie goes to Lisa to complain about the social media stuff.

Lisa : strong> Maybe they have a problem with you that has nothing to do with you being transgender.
Billie : strong> Katie’s ever complaining about her value, and I can’t complain about getting eliminated for being trans. I can’t stop being trans, she knows how put down the food.

Yoooo WHAT ??? Call me CyHi the Prince, because I’m so appalled.( Sorry I’ve been waiting to fix that joke since 2010. I think it was worth the nine-year wait, don’t you ?) Butttt yeah,” she knows how putting in place the food” was probably the exact wrong thing to say if Billie was hoping to garner support. And she does not help herself any more with the following comment:

Billie : strong> She attracts her fat card, I’m gonna pull my trans card.

Ohhh no. Did you guys hear that? It’s the clang of any sympathy viewers had for Billie Lee fading before our very eyes. Can’t wait for next week!

Portraits: Giphy( 3 ); Gfycat; TheReaper5 055/ Youtube