The Swedish Chef is a strong, illiterate dipshit who only got to be on’ The Muppet Show’ because Jim Henson is his dad. He just reached sexual maturity last week, and now he is urgently in need of secrete. Do you have what it takes to help him lose his virginity?
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1. Before we get started, let’s procreate something clear: If and when the Swedish Chef loses his virginity, it will be a total disaster. He will be screaming and crying and flapping his hands around in a greatly unsexy nature, and it will make radical empathy on behalf of his partner to not immediately bail on him. So don’t cheat yourself into thinking you can become him into some kind of suave sex machine. Absolute best-case scenario is 10-20 seconds of injury-free utilitarian sex in which neither party loses any feelings or physical trauma, but even that would be a small miracle. Go it?
Got it. I’ll try to be realistic with my apprehensions.
C’mon, how bad could the guy be? Maybe he’s got an internal sex freak that’s just waiting to be coaxed out. You never know.
2. Seriously, it’s going to take a highly skilled and case person to gather this off. As of now, the Swedish Chef has virtually zero knowledge of fornication, he’s incredibly frightened by physical way, and he contends to follow even the most basic rules. All he knows is that something very distressing is happening down near his groin and he desperately must be free to do something about it. This won’t be easy.
Thanks for the heads-up, but I’m confident I can treat any challenges the job discards my route.
I’ll admit it sounds a bit dishearten, but I’m willing to give it my best shot.
Wow, yeah, I genuinely don’t have any event with anything like this, but I belief it couldn’t damage to try.
I previously know I would be frightful at this.
3. Two sociopaths listed Statler and Waldorf told the Swedish Chef that sex is when you go up to a baby pushing a stroller, lift the stroller up over your front, and run away with it into the woods, and the Swedish Chef quickly reputed them. He patently needs a bit of reeducation, so how would you go about teaching him what sex actually is, keeping in mind that he is staggeringly stupid and can only follow very easy boundaries of study?
Since he’s a cook, I would explain it to him in menu periods. I would tell him about how, in prepare, you might have two parts that are fine and okay on their own, but if you combine them together it creates something new and enjoyable through the union of their unique quintessences. And I’d be said that, in gender, each person is like an ingredient, and they’re coming together in an intimate mode that will lead to a more pleasant develop than they could reach separately.
I would have my Swedish friend Hjalmar explain it to him in their native scream.
I would make him back to my arrange and prove him some refrigerate pornos I have on my external hard-drive. There’s this one in particular announced Monster Dick Gives Obedient Schoolgirl Sex-Ed Lesson in which a individual called Monster Dick coachs a young woman with big honking hearts how to do intimacy, and even though there’s a egregious its participation in it where he scatters semen everywhere, it’s actually a nice instructive video.
I would take him to the zoo during baboon mating season, stuff his underwear with bananas and shrimp, and toss him over the safety railing into the baboon paddock. I would sit there munching Dippin’ Dots until he was all up to hurrying on what fornication is.
4. One of the prime impediments to the Swedish Chef losing his virginity is the fact that he does not have a penis, or at least not in the usual sense–his is more of a vestigial slit. In lineup to reach sexual liberate, he’ll necessity his partner were concentrated in inducing his maraca-size prostate, which hangs tail-like from his lower back and is fantastically sensitive to touch. However, the Swedish Chef has historically been frantically protective of his prostate, as he believes it is the hive where his dead mother’s mind lives. He’s incapacitated various Muppets who have tried to lay hands on it in the past, and there’s no question he would react similarly should his sexual marriage try to get near it. Weighing its crucial role in facilitating sexual release, how would you acquire the Swedish Chef comfortable with the relevant recommendations of parties stroking his prostate?
I would use a treat-based incentive organisation to gradually acclimate him to the idea. Every epoch for several months, I would sit with him in a area and slowly spread a teddy bear on a long pole toward his prostate, inching nearer with each attempt, rewarding him with more and more packets of Splenda the closer I get. Each additional inch closer deserves him one Splenda packet.
I would revise a photograph of him into the movie Toy Story and prestige the photo so that it is suggested that the winged room commando Buzz Lightyear is winging out of the Swedish Chef’s massive prostate and into the sky. I would lie to him and say that this is footage of his dead mother’s feeling departing his prostate for purgatory, thus leaving him with no reason to be protective of his sex organ.
I would animate my own prostate with a nutcracker figurine for hours on end in his front yard. That would probably help him realize that it’s not a big deal to bozoes with your prostate.
I would sensually thrash his prostate around with a ping-pong paddle.
5. It is not clear what, if any, preferences the Swedish Chef might have in terms of a sexual spouse. Formerly, when previously requested information about who he was attracted to, he held up a Jason Mraz CD and excitedly parted at the shield, roaring, “Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork! ” but then he demolished the CD with a meat tenderizer and started placing and exclaiming at a microwave instead. He also has a attire of picking up dead birds he meets on the sidewalk and kissing them in a seemingly dreamy way, but after kissing them he often then munches the fledglings in a great feeling. So while it is capable of make a event that he’s attracted to either Jason Mraz, microwaves, or dead fledglings, his sexual preferences are ultimately still a toss-up, and you’ll need to figure them out if you want to find a partner with whom he’ll feel pleasant “losing ones” virginity. That said, how would you go about detecting the Swedish Chef’s sexual preferences?
While he is asleep one night, I would privately place some EEG electrodes on the inside of his chef’s hat, and the following day I would sit him down alone in a room and have him watch a slideshow of sexual portraits boasting beings of various senilities, genders, hastens, and mas natures. Employing data regarding the electrodes in his hat, I would determine the cortical arousal act that each portrait elicits in his brain, and using this data I would be able to empirically define his sex tendencies.
One by one, I would indicate him all the various personas from the Burger King Kids Club, because the Burger King Kids Club has basically all the different types of people in it–black people, popular girls, morons, wheelchair guys, Mexicans, you refer it. I would then determine his sexual preferences by whichever character obligates him flap his hands the hardest.
He’s truly, really ugly, and I honestly think it’d be best if he just takes whatever the inferno he can get. I would probably just pay a hobo $10 to have sex with him.
I would bond the Swedish Chef to a mailbox on the prime strip of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and given a pamphlet about AIDS so that he starts screaming. As the ceremony goes by, I’ll watch to see if any of the large cartoon bags shape him stop crying, and whichever caricature balloon that is, I will conclude that that is something that he is horny for.
6. The Swedish Chef is not by any metrics what you would call “sexually attractive.” His appearance basically only looks like a rotting cantaloupe with fuzz explosion out of it, there’s a basketball-size burrow of untrimmed toenails spending him below the knees, and perhaps most unsettlingly, it does not appear as if he has hearts. If you demand any the expectations of detecting him a sex spouse, you’ll need to give him a head-to-toe makeover to improve smooth over some of his more physically abominable attributes. However, get him to sit still for a full-body makeover will be a certainly daunting assignment, as he is constantly flopping and beating about like a toddler filled with wizards, arbitrarily grabbing at any objects within reach and spiking them recklessly into his capital cup of boiling sea. Worse, endeavour too close to him and he will joyously scatter you with his piss. Find that there are no shops that would condone these kinds of behaviours, how would you go about get him to sit still and behave for a makeover?
I’d feed him some circus peanuts with children’s Benadryl hidden inside so he’d get neat and tuckered out and was way too sleepy to fidget.
Horse tranquilizers.
Horse tranquilizers.
Horse tranquilizers.
7. Even though the Swedish Chef is a colossal moron who knows virtually nothing about how to have sex, he is surprisingly well-informed about approval. This is because he has taken the ABC new-employee unprofessional behavior seminar more than 800 terms. During filming of The Muppet Show, the sociopaths Waldorf and Statler told him he was required to take it every single day in order to be able liquor from the studio water fountain, and since he didn’t have guiding spray at his house due to a different Waldorf and Statler prank, he depended on the water fountain for survival. So if you were wondering whether he is capable of signaling permit, the answer is yes.
Good to know!
If he’s naive sufficient to do suckered into taking the same seminar over 800 times, perhaps I can con him into forking over some of those Tv royalties.
8. Oh, and another thing: The Swedish Chef rent his tongue off in 1992 after putting it in the dollar slit of a vending machine and panicking. As a answer, he speaks in an alarmingly roaring and incomprehensible manner that would likely be extremely off-putting in a nostalgic rectify. You’d perhaps want to make some earplugs or something to give to his partner if you don’t want them to freak out.
Got it. Thanks for the heads-up.
There’s a 0 percent probability I’d retain to do that.
9. Last-place thing–and this one’s admittedly a big request. If by some luck you are unable to find a partner for the Swedish Chef to lose his virginity to, would you theoretically be open to being the one who has gender with him? Hopefully it wouldn’t be submitted to that, but, in a last-ditch, 11 th-hour type of statu, would you be willing to take one for the team?
I am a compassionate party, and I believe that everyone deserves the chance to experience the joy of consensual physical friendship at the least formerly in their lifetime. Thus, should all other options be spent and it becomes clear that it will be statistically absurd for him to find a sexual collaborator, then, yes, I would be willing to have sex with the Swedish Chef.
No fucking space. Not a goddamn chance in blaze.
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