In June 2022, I asked if Barbie was the most important movie of 2023. It was a joke at the time, but like Homer predicting the size of Bart’s comet, I was kind of right? I’m scared, too. Barbie, which has a 90 percent “Fresh” rating among critics on Rotten Tomatoes, opened to $162 million at the domestic box office this weekend. That’s the biggest debut weekend for a female filmmaker ever; paired with Oppenheimer’s equally-impressive $82.4 million opening, it’s also the first time where one movie earned $100 million or more and another made $50 million or more in the same weekend ever.

But I didn’t know all that when I decided to do one Barbie-related activity every day for nine days, leading up to (and past) the release of the film. I was just excited to see the new Greta Gerwig movie starring Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling. Would I feel the same way after a week-plus of pink, beaches, and Dua Lipa and Charli XCX songs? Come on, Barbie, let’s read on.

Day 1, July 14th, Friday

As part of arguably the biggest promotional push for a movie since 1989’s Batman, Warner Bros. threw a Barbie-themed party at the Fairmont Hotel in Austin, Texas. Upon getting off the elevator, I was greeted with a standee where you could get your picture taken while posing in a cardboard box like Barbie. This would be a frequent photo opp throughout the week. Inside the bar, there were Barbie drinks (I ordered the “She’s Everything” with vodka and sparkling rosé), Barbie towels, and pink Barbie cowboy hats. The Barbie soundtrack was playing, along with Barbie-adjacent songs like a dizzying remix of “Shake It Off” by Taylor Swift. It had major bachelorette party vibes, down to the bar being attached to an outdoor pool.

The crowd was predominantly women, but the number of men wasn’t insignificant. Robbie, Gosling, Gerwig, and most of all, the Barbie marketing team have done a remarkable job of convincing the kind of people who still wonder “can boys own a Barbie or two?” that this is one of the must-see movies of 2023. To quote the trailer: “If you love Barbie, this movie is for you. If you hate Barbie, this movie is for you.” It turns out, Barbie is for everyone.

Day 2, July 15th, Saturday

I didn’t feel my age when I, someone in my 30s, ordered the Barbie-inspired “All That Glitters is Pink” from Cold Stone Creamery. But I did feel it afterwards. Adult me and sugar get along about as well as Tom Cruise and streaming services, so I had a hard time getting through my “Like It” (read: small) cup. The cotton candy ice cream mixed with graham cracker crust, whipped cream, and “dance party” sprinkles wasn’t bad or anything (and complaining about something at Cold Stone being too sugary is like returning movie theater popcorn for having too much butter), but it wasn’t for me.

Unlike the “Barbie Land Berry Pink” cup at Pinkberry. I wasn’t looking forward to another treat so soon after the Cold Stone stop, but I liked this one a lot more. It was smoother, and the “dream” sprinkles added crunchy texture to the refreshing blend of strawberry and dragon fruit-flavored frozen yogurt.

That’s Cold Stone on the left and Pinkberry (and the roof of my dirty car) on the right.

Between my Cold Stone and Pinkberry stops, I went to the mall and saw a Barbie advertisement inside Hot Topic. I’d like to say this was my first trip to Hot Topic since I was a pretended-to-love-Pierce the Veil-but-was-actually-listening-to-Dave Matthews Band teen, but then I would be lying. You never know when you’re going to need a half-priced Mr. Meeseeks Funko pop, y’know? Anyway, I went over to the ad expecting to find Barbie merch, but there was nothing. It was attached to a stand with My Hero Academia and Hello Kitty products, but nothing for Barbie. This is blatant false advertisement, Hot Topic. I’m taking my business somewhere more reputable (Spencer’s).

Day 3, July 16th, Sunday

One of the more popular tourist destinations in Austin is the “I love you so much” mural on the side of Jo’s Coffee. I used to live across the street from the coffee shop, and there was no time of day where I wouldn’t see people taking selfies in front of the green wall.

This week, “I love you so much” was changed to “Barbie, I love you so much – Ken,” with the two names written in the twirly, pink Barbie font. I thought about swinging by the mural in my “From Director Greta Gerwig” shirt during my morning run, until I remembered it was already over 90 degrees outdoors. Then I considered swinging by the mural in a more lightweight shirt during an afternoon run, until, again, I remembered it was now 100 freaking degrees outdoors. So, I drove by it to take a picture instead and didn’t run. Do you guys ever think about dying? I do every time I step out into the Texas summer heat.

Day 4, July 17th, Monday

I’m excited for Barbie the movie, but outside of Toy Story 3 and 4, I have no strong feelings toward Barbie the doll either way. I am Barbie-neutral. But I remember the thrill I felt as a kid walking down the toy aisle of K-Mart when the shelves were stocked with Power Rangers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles junk, and wondered if I could tap into that toy-based nostalgia.

Of course, K-Mart barely exists anymore, so I went to Target instead. Here’s a partial of the products and brands I saw in the toy aisle: Bluey, Pokémon, Peppa Pig, Disney Junior, Sesame Street, Doc McStuffins, Dreamworks’ Gabby’s Dollhouse, Spider-Man, Jurassic World, Dino Ranch, a Target employee watching me closely, Paw Patrol, Lego, Harry Potter, O.M.G. Outrageous Millennial Girls, Baby Alive, Cry Babies, Lil’ Woodzeez, Care Bears, Polly Pockets, Zombaes, another Target employee, so much Frozen, Rainbow High, Monster High, My Little Pony, Hot Wheels, two full aisles of Legos, Mega Bloks, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Sonic, Mario, Minecraft, Star Wars, Nerf guns, uh oh the two Target employees are gesturing in my direction.

It’s at this point I should have moved to a different aisle. Instead, I doubled back to where the Barbies were being held captive in their plastic prisons. For journalism.

The Barbies and their various accessories, settings, and modes of transportation were chaotically arranged on the shelves. Barbie’s Coffee Shop was nowhere near Barbie’s Bakery, but it was next to Barbie’s collection of pets. Further down, Yoga Barbie (“six guided meditations!”) was on an entirely different shelf than Face Mask Spa Day Barbie. There was also Fast Cast Clinic Barbie, Soccer Barbie, Mermaid Power Barbie, and Horse-Riding Chelsea, who is apparently Barbie’s younger sister. Barbie truly can be anything, as long as you don’t mind crouching to look at the bottom shelf.

Day 5, July 18th, Tuesday

I decided to take things easy today… by going to a “Barbie Summer Party” on Austin’s party street. The Red Bull and vodka drinks were sticky; the boy band, girl group, and 2000s mall punk anthems were blasting; and the crowd was a mix of tattooed couples wearing black and women wearing their finest and often smallest pink dresses. I am convinced Barbie is going to make $1 billion.

Day 6, July 19th, Wednesday

What if I hated the Barbie movie? That would be a real kick in the pants for someone doing a week of Barbie-related events (and the week isn’t over yet). Luckily, I liked it. A lot. It’s fun, colorful, and looks great. The MVP of the movie isn’t Robbie or Gosling or Issa Rae or Matchbox Twenty, although they’re fantastic; it’s the production design team. But as much as I enjoyed Barbie, the thing I like even more is opening up the Alamo Drafthouse or AMC app and seeing sold-out screening after sold-out screening. I know a lot of people who haven’t seen a movie in a theater since before the pandemic. But between Barbie and Oppenheimer and to a certain degree Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One (a very good film that had the misfortune of coming out when it did), people are finally returning to [Vin Diesel voice] da movies.

Day 7, July 20th, Thursday

Another day, another Barbie party. This time, it was at Pinballz, a local chain with arcade games, rides, and, as you might expect, pinball machines. I am terrible at pinball, but the siren song of Shrek pinball calls to me every time. If only I had an extra $6,010 – $6,990 to spare. Instead, I spent that money on pink cocktails this week.

There is no Barbie machine at Pinballz (only a costume contest and a lot of White Claws), but maybe there will be now. By 2024, you’ll see Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling next to Chunk and Peter Griffin in barcades across the nation. Could slot machines be next? At least give us an Allan whac-a-mole.

Day 8, July 21st, Friday

Denny’s Hobbit Menu is the GOAT of fast food/chain restaurant tie-in meals, but let’s say, in another timeline, the Hobbit Hole Breakfast never existed. It sometimes feels this way, like the Smaug’s Fire Burger was a beautiful dream. But in this dark alternate reality, would Burger King’s Barbie Burger have a chance at becoming the new favorite among pop culture/greasy food fanatics?

I’m not sure, because I don’t live in Brazil. That’s the only market where the Barbie Burger is available. But I’ve seen the photos, and I replicated one for myself at home. It’s pretty simple to make: the official copy reads, “The Pink Burger, from the BK Barbie Combo, comes in a fluffy brioche bun, high and juicy meat, a slice of melted cheddar cheese, the amazing smoked pink sauce, and crispy diced bacon.” (The combo includes Ken’s Potato, a.k.a. fries, and a Barbie donut shake.) I left out the bacon because I don’t eat pork products, but the brioche bun? Check. Burger, made with ground chuck according to a copycat recipe? Check. Melted cheddar cheese? Check. Smoky pink sauce? I couldn’t find what BK’s “smoked pink sauce” is made out of, so I used the cursed Pink Sauce made famous by TikTok with a teaspoon of liquid smoke.

The Pink Sauce, which tasted like Thousand Island dressing, was fine. I wouldn’t buy it again, but it worked well with the smoke (or, more likely, the smoke subdued the Pink Sauce). My burger didn’t look anything like the Burger King Barbie Burger — that Pepto Bismol pink shouldn’t exist in nature — but I had to take a photo because look at how cute Lil’ Margot and Lil’ Ryan are.

Where were the Barbie Happy Meal toys?

Day 9, July 22nd, Saturday

My week in Barbie Land ended with — what else? — a party. Superstition, a nightclub near downtown Austin, threw a Barbie bash where attendees were invited to wear their favorite Barbie-themed outfits. There was a lot of pink on the dance floor (with music provided by all-female DJs), and at least one guy dressed in Ken’s instantly iconic denim look. But my favorite outfit belonged to a woman wearing a “Greta Gerwig” shirt from Girls on Tops.

It made me think of Gerwig’s pre-Lady Bird days when she was part of the mumblecore scene. Imagine telling someone in 2007 walking out of Hannah Takes the Stairs that in 2023, Gerwig would direct a Barbie movie. And not only would it be good, but it also would inspire people to wear a shirt with her name on it to a bottle service nightclub. It’s not what I expected when Gerwig was announced to the project, or even when I started my adventure in Barbie Land, but this Barbie is full of surprises. Another surprise: I still like the color pink.

Hi Barbie (week), bye Barbie (week).