What makes a Hot Sauce the best? Is it just about heat? Is it flavor? Ingredients? Hype? When does a hot sauce get played out? Did the world turn on Sriracha just because it went super mainstream, or did we all just spontaneously realize that there are better options out there?

These are the questions that vex even the wisest souls among us. Forget politics for a minute, let’s argue over who brings the best heat and flavor. Let’s talk about the nuances of habaneros vs. jalapenos and wrestle with “how many Scovilles are too many?” To spice up our debate, I asked our collective of sophisticated pros about their favorite hot sauces. Now we’re ready to deliver our claims about the Best Hot Sauces on Earth in 2018!

Join in the comments below and argue the issue with your friends. This is the perfect water cooler conversation because you’ll need to be hanging at the water cooler to calm your scalded tongue.*

_{*Not really, ya’ freaking amateur — everyone knows that milk cools you off quicker.}

The Last Dab Reduxx

Look, this is created by the team at Complex’s First We Feast — a director competitor of Uproxx Life. So giving it love vexes me a little. But my god this stuff is good. It’s just the right amount of sweet on the front end and then… BLAM the heat comes.

My god what heat. Two hybrid, lab-created peppers — Pepper X and Chocolate Pepper X — add so much fire to this that a few drops will endanger your whole meal. But if you can handle it, this is a sauce that has all the fire without sacrificing taste. Plus you’ll sympathize with the celebs who go on The Hot Ones in a whole new way.

— Steve Bramucci

Yellowbird

Yellowbird hot sauce isn’t just another spicy garnish — each dollop houses a number of flavors that go well beyond just heat. Depending on what type you prefer (I’m partial to the classic Habanero myself), there’s an abundance of taste, from smoky to citrusy, making this brand more than just the kind of hot sauce to clear your sinuses with (though it’s good for that too).

A beloved cult favorite made with quality ingredients in central Texas, Yellowbird seems to have some big ambitions. One glance at their website shows that they’re chasing after Sriracha to be the go-to condiment for making the most of those sad, day-old leftovers. Whether they’ll take the throne is anyone’s guess, but there’s no reason you shouldn’t make room for the bird on your shelf.

— Christian Long

Dragon’s Blood Elixir

Apparently, the secret to dragon’s blood is apples, because this stuff has apple cider syrup, apple cider vinegar, and apple puree. You don’t necessarily taste the apples, but what you do get is a very fruit-forward flavor before the heat comes on. I love chilis for their taste, not just their spice and Dragon’s Blood does an ace job highlighting the uniqueness of the habanero here.

You’ll want a solid few dollops to make it work, but there is heat there. It comes on late and doesn’t linger long, allowing the other flavors to shine.

— Steve Bramucci

Dat’l Do It

If you’ll pardon a bit of blatant homerism, I have to go with Dat’l Do It. It certainly doesn’t hurt my case that this sauce born out of the cuisine and favorite pepper of Floridian Minorcans is actually the best and most versatile hot sauce around.

Its tomato-heavy recipe makes it a good stand-in for anything that you might put ketchup on (including a burnt-to-sh*t steak, Mr. President). I know that sounds like sacrilege stacked up against other traditional sauces, but before you balk you should know that Dat’l Do It kind of has to lean on tomatoes to be edible. Like the state they call home, datil peppers are hot as hell, y’all. And toning down that heat allows the sweet and somewhat fruity undercurrents in the pepper to absolutely shine.

Most self-respecting Floridians have their own recipe or know a guy who’s homemade version they like, but first-timers can do far worse than this readily available brand.

— Alex Gailbraith

Frankie V’s Spooky White

I’m always wary of white hot sauces. It just feels like someone somewhere had something to prove and they made a white hot sauce that will tear up your mouth like a box full of Cap’n Crunch. Then they call it something simple and ominous like “The Ghost.” Frankie V’s kinda does all of that: the sauce has skeletons on the bottle and packs a serious bite. But here’s the thing: this stuff is good. Yes, you get the fire but you’re also getting habanero fruity-ness, rice wine vinegar brightness, and notes of lemon and ginger.

This is the hipster, artisanal, small-batch hot sauce that annoys the shit out of you… until you taste it.

— Steve Bramucci

Crystal

All it takes is aged red cayenne peppers, distilled vinegar, and salt to create Crystal — Louisiana’s pure hot sauce ambrosia. Crystal is a special little sauce that doesn’t promise to blow holes in asses, it promises to fill holes in hearts. You can put the stuff on anything: eggs (scrambled or fried), chicken, fish, or even on plain, saltless chips. It’s versatile. It’s spicy, but it begs you to overdo it. You can drown an avocado in Crystal. You can baptize your first born in Crystal. It’s top to bottom the best and most well-rounded hot sauce money can buy… and I’m not even a hot sauce guy.

— Jason Nawara

RM Seafood Elixir

“Ya crazy for this one Rick!”

I’m not really sure why Chef Rick Moonen — who we’re quite fond of around these parts — decided to tether this sauce to seafood. The stuff works on any dish that other sauces work on, seafood included. Still, I tried the “Hail the Reaper” sauce on an oyster and damn. This is my ceiling. I can’t handle anything hotter and still have fun. But this? It was a wild ride right up to the border of tolerable.

Moonen knows flavors and his Elixir line has them, but it’s here to bring heat. The “Stung on a Beach” sauce is great — all this bright fruitiness bubbles up — but it will leave you sweating too. If you want to mess with heat, this line is a win.

— Steve Bramucci

Secret Aardvark

Listen fam,

If you haven’t had the Aardvark, it means one thing: You’ve never been to a hipster taco place in LA. Ever. Because this stuff has got a buzz bigger than America’s last remaining bee colonies.

Secret Aardvark is a spicy, liquid version of your taco seasoning packet. It’s fire roasted and you taste that, I feel like there’s some cumin too — though the package doesn’t cop to it. Most of all, it’s the sweet/spicy balance and the nice fruitiness (while still being somewhat similar to a Taco Bell salsa packet) that makes this the new Sriracha for all of west Los Angeles.

The hype is huge, this sauce lives up to it.

— Steve Bramucci

Texas Pete

No, it’s not classy or hip. It doesn’t have a cult following or any sort of cultural cachet. Hell, the bottle’s entirely in English. That’s gonna look mad goofy sitting out when your foodie friends come over.

But Texas Pete is still the best sauce available for the very specific purpose of topping off any meat that comes with the adjective “shredded” or “pulled” attached. The vinegary taste and slight spicy kick are perfect for topping off barbecue whichever way you prepare it. In fact, Texas Pete might be the starting point for a truce between the Carolinas… if we could ever get them to the same table.

— Alex Gailbraith

Sriracha Chili Garlic

Yeah, yeah, Sriracha, whatever, put it in the bin next to mustaches, fixies, and cupcake shops. But while the hot sauce itself has had its day in the sun and become just another condiment, take the time to seek out the garlic chili variant. The spice profile is more complex, especially when you cook with it, and the garlic adds a lovely flavorful note that gives it more than just a burn.

— Dan Seitz

Trader Joe’s Green Dragon

I’m not what you’d call a “one hot sauce” kind of girl, so it’s hard for me to pick a hands-down favorite. I like Crystal for Southern cooking, Sriracha for pho and banh mi (it goes great in deviled eggs as well), Cholula’s original for pizza, eggs, and sandwiches, not to mention the mixed bag of habanero, chipotle, and other random flavored or speciality hot sauces I keep around depending what I’m in the mood for.

But lately, I’ve been kind of obsessed with Trader Joe’s Green Dragon sauce. It’s got a thick consistency and nice flavor without being overly spicy such as El Yucateco’s green habanero sauce (which I also like, but constantly forget that I have to use in moderation), and it’s great on tacos and burritos or white chicken chili; one of my go-to dishes in the chilly weather. And the best part is that it’s only $2.99 for an 18 oz bottle, so you don’t have to feel bad for liberally slathering it on.

— Stacey Ritzen

Skinny Fats — Jãlatcha

I’ve been stanning for ketchup around these parts for a long time. When someone talks smack about it, I fight back.

Why? Because flavor-profile-wise the tang of ketchup is a fantastic counterbalance to many an umami-rich, carb-heavy meal (eg burgers and fries).

You know what could make ketchup even better though? The most unsung of the chilies — jalepeño. The flavor of a fresh jalepeño is bright and fresh and the heat comes in late, like a slow rolling wave. It’s a joy.

So when I tell you that jalepeño ketchup is a thing, just go with it. Know that I won’t steer you wrong and that you’ll still get a shot of spice. Trust that your hot dog will never be the same.

— Steve Bramucci

Roburritos Midnight Mango Hot Sauce

HOT SAUCE FROM THE EAST COAST?!?!! Stay with me on this. Midnight Mango is the hot sauce for people who are afraid of hot sauce. Brewed and bottled in my hometown of York, Pennsylvania, this sauce takes mango and pineapple and adds just enough kick to make you feel like you tried something adventurous. Perfect for wimps looking to up their spice tolerance a little at a time (me) and fruit lovers. Mixes well with most plain hot sauces, great on top of sour cream, and is the perfect side for a pineapple quesadilla (ITS A THING OKAY).

Add this to your cabinet if you’re interested in starting an east coast/west coast debate at your next taco night.

— Frankie Greek

El Yucateco Chipotle

I love hot sauce. I put it on everything from mac and cheese to pizza to eggs. But, I don’t need it to be so hot that it drowns out what I’m eating. That’s why I love El Yucateco Chipotle. In their line of sauces, it’s probably one of the mildest, but it has a smoky, sweet flavor with enough heat to make it worthwhile. It’s made from chipotle peppers and clocks in at 3,400 Scoville units. Is that a lot? I actually have no idea.

— Chris Osburn

Hank Sauce

I am not a hot sauce gal. In fact, I’m very skeptical of spicy stuff. BUT this summer I attended the Beach Plum Festival at Island Beach State Park in New Jersey and in addition to having an excellent time, I discovered Hank Sauce. My boyfriend and I have polished off exactly one bottle of Hank Sauce every week since. This stuff is so freakin’ good. It comes in four different flavors – Camouflage, Cilanktro, Hank’s Heat, and Herb Infused and while none of them are especially hot, they each pack a distinct, tangy, peppery, flavor punch.

At first, I thought Hank Sauce was some real boutiquey, niche, magic but you can actually find it at a ton of places in the mid-Atlantic and they’ll also ship it to you.

— Abigail Eastwood

Louisiana Original Hot Sauce

When it comes to hot sauce, I generally default to ones where the consistencies are watery, as opposed to gloopy, paste-like concoctions. Do I like these better because I can’t see them in my meals, thus tricking my taste buds into thinking the food I shove into my mouth won’t be piping hot? The jury is still out, but I’m not here to diss Louisiana Original Hot Sauce, I’m here to celebrate it.

The taste, heat level and not too mention the fact it comes in a 32 FL. oz. bottle are reasons why this elixir stands the test of time for me. I won’t stand here and pretend to I’m a high Scoville maverick — I keep it simple and stick with the classics, that’s why Louisiana Original Hot Sauce has got my vote.

— Chris Zois

Taco Bell’s Fire Sauce

I get it. This sounds insane but… this sauce is good. It’s about as high as I get on the vinegar-y scale without recoiling (get your Tabasco away from me). There’s nice heat and…

Okay, maybe you don’t owe this one cupboard space. There are still flavors like Char Man and Born to Hula that just barely missed our list. But give this one some drawer space, at least. It deserves that much for spicing up a million drunken nights and stoned mornings. And seriously, it’s pretty damn good.

— Steve Bramucci

Tabasco

‘BASCO. Originally made by a Mexican sauce company in the 1800s and, like so many great Mexican products, exported to America and sold under a different name. What other hot sauce is found in almost all restaurants? Commonly brushed off as being too vinegary –- the key thing to keep in mind with this sauce is “less is more”.

Tabasco can make the flavors of the food it’s on shine and will take a backseat on your palate, but it must be used sparingly. The heat is balanced with a pleasant tartness from the vinegar, without being overwhelmingly hot or bold to take away from the other natural flavors of the food.

Besides; it’s no frills, made the same way for over 150 years. You have to give it up for that kind of longevity without compromise.

— Shakespeare DiMaggio, Uproxx Commenter

Sambal Olek

There’s one sauce that rises above them all — Sambal Olek. What pushes this one to the top is its simplicity. It’s a blend of a spicy chilis, salt, and vinegar. That’s it. It’s thick and often gooey. There’s always a jolt of joy when you sit down at a table and there’s a tub of sambal on it with one of those tiny spoons for scooping all that hot spicy goodness onto any dish. Seriously, you can scoop it on each bite of your burrito or throw a nice big dollop in a bowl of noodle soup or fry some up to spice up a fried rice. That’s versatility.

— Zach Johnston

Ssäm Sauce

David Chang is loved for just about everything he does, and for good reason. His cookbook changed the game. His food shook the industry. Now he’s doing his own bottled gochujang sauce and it’s fire (not literally, though — it’s actually very mild). You need this stuff in your repertoire it’s got a little fermented funk to it and a whole bung of tang. Korean (and Japanese) flavors can be obliterated by our American “hit you over the head” sauces. This stuff is subtle: meant to draw out flavors rather than dominate them.

— Steve Bramucci

Salsa Valentina

The first thing you should know about Salsa Valentina is that you can put both of your hands around the jar. This is no dainty, bottleneck hot sauce bottle. It doesn’t have an artisanal wooden cap like Cholula. Hell no. It’s a chubby, thick barrel-shaped glass container with a wide mouth plastic spout that lets you throw down thick streams of hot sauce all over your hash browns. The spout closes with a flip top. It’s secure, attached to the bottle, and it will never roll off the table.

You know the way Tabasco’s weird plastic filter sometimes gets clogged up and you have to pound the bottle as hard as you can to get a mere teaspoon or so of spice on your meal? That won’t happen with Salsa Valentina. Ever. In fact, sometimes you have to pour gently and precisely to make sure your meal isn’t swimming in the stuff, although that would probably be fine too because it is an exquisitely balanced hot sauce. It is, without a doubt, the best hot sauce on the planet. God probably also uses it when he’s in the mood for something spicy.
You can get Valentina on the east coast, but it is certainly more common on the west (and best coast), probably due to proximity to Mexico. If I see it in someone’s cupboard, my respect for them goes up tenfold. If I had a one night stand and was offered this with eggs the next morning, I’d probably try to marry the guy. Valentina’s two distribution companies are in California and Texas, so expect to see it primarily in the Southwest. In New York, I found it in the regional food aisles of groceries stores, and very good diners, but it was scarce elsewhere. You probably won’t see it at Whole Foods anytime soon.

That’s a shame because this is a well balanced, flavor-forward sauce, probably because it has only five ingredients: chili peppers, vinegar, salt, spices, and sodium benzoate. As for the last one, what? Do you think hot sauce stays good in the cupboard all by itself? Sometimes we need chemicals, man. And as far as the mysterious summary “spices,” well, if they told us everything then we’d be making it ourselves right? If you live in California, you can buy a 12.5-ounce jar of Salsa Valentina at practically any grocery store for about $2. If I were you, I’d go pick some up right now. Your hash browns will thank you. And besides, it just might turn your one night stand into a lifelong romance. That’s well worth a couple bucks.

— Caitlin White

Zatarain’s Cajun Hot Sauce

This is a new love of mine. Zatarain’s is a big Louisiana brand that makes everything from rice to a gumbo fix. Recently, I was wondering around the grocery store looking for hot sauces and came across this one. The label promised aged chili and garlic in one bottle. I was intrigued. I brought it home and placed the sauce on my shelf next to my Valentina’s Extra Hot and made some chicken breasts in the ol’ sous vide. I doused the sauce onto the chicken and it was a revelation. Zatarain’s Cajun isn’t overly hot but packs a nice little punch. The garlic is 100 percent present. There’s a light vinegar tang going on that’s more sweet than tart and way less egregious than standard Tabasco tang. Over all, this is a great sauce to have on hand when you want a subtle spicy bump with a garlic base.

— Zach Johnston

BONUS HOT SAUCE: Two-Shack “Como El Otro” Hot Sauce

This hot sauce was included in the book Cooking With Spices by Mark Stevens, who writes for Uproxx. In the ultimate small world moment, it comes courtesy of John “Two-Shack” Nicks, father of Denver Nicks, author of Hot Sauce Nation, who also writes for Uproxx. As Two-Shack notes, there’s a lot going on. You can make it hot as you want by adding additional cayenne.

From the man himself:

“Many hot sauces are comprised of a mixture of vinegar, pepper of one or more varieties and salt. I like to make a more complex hot sauce. I liked the ‘Two Dick Billy Goat’ sauce at the Thunderbird Restaurant in Marfa, Texas. I tried to duplicate it and came up with this. It will not be too hot for most people.”

Ingredients:

1 cups apple cider vinegar
½ small can tomato paste
1 small tomatillo or green tomato, chopped
4 dried cayenne peppers, chopped
3 Pasilla Bajio chilies, seeded (or keep seeds if you want more heat)
2 Anaheim Peppers, pith removed (or mild Hatch Peppers, if available)
1 ½ tsp sea salt
1 small carrot, shredded
1 small red onion, chopped
1 ½ tsp of date molasses or blackstrap molasses as substitute

Instructions:

Mix all ingredients together. Refrigerate