When my Wife and I were first married, we were young headstrong individuals. Those strong heads occasionally butted against each other resulting in disagreements. When I say occasionally I of course mean once a day or so. Don’t think by that last statement I’m suggesting our marriage started out as a happily-ever-after fairytale relationship. There were times when we argued a lot more than the once-a-day Utopia I suggested above. Every couple starts off in a false sense of euphoria. That stage of love when you say stupid things like, “I will do anyting my Widdle Snuggy Bunny wants.” For some couples this period lasts the entire marriage. For others, the period is far shorter. The euphoria period for my wife and I would have barely made it through the halftime of a Vikings/Packers game.

Married couples often come into Conflict. Sorry to be blunt, but it’s a fact. If there are not certain times when you wish your partner was dead, you are not really in love. (I’m joking of course. I’ve never wished death or injury upon my wife, so remember that if you’re ever subpoenaed to testify in court.)

Too many couples go into relationships with the expectations that everything will always be flowers, butterflies, and “My widdle snuggy bunny will do anyting I want forever.” Hint: Just using that sickly-sweet baby voice can be enough to end a relationship, so stop it.

Conflict actually makes a marriage stronger. It’s not the arguing that makes it stronger. It’s resolving the differences and coming to compromises. In any argument, my wife and I always brought it to a conclusion and put it behind us when one of us would ultimately say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry. We’ll do it your way.” And my wife would reply, “That’s okay. I forgive you.”

When we started having kids, the arguments decreased dramatically. We still disagreed about things, we just no longer had the energy to do anything about it. Most of our yelling had to be reserved for the kids. Now that we are empty nesters and have been married forever, we still have conflicts. But we are older now and the conflicts are resolved quickly. One of us leaves the room and the conflict is over. It is sort of like when I go downstairs to get a jar of sauerkraut and stand around for fifteen minutes wondering why I went downstairs. You can’t be mad about something if you can’t remember what you were mad about.

In storytelling conflict is a good thing. It makes dialogue pop. It gives characters motivation. My new novel A Death in a Snowstorm is full of conflict: between the main character Special Agent Aaron Barnum and the local sheriff; between Aaron and the sheriff’s sergeant; between Aaron and the DNR officer; between the sheriff and witnesses; between the sheriff and the road crew foreman … I could go on, but check it out for yourself. It comes out this Friday February 7.

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