I couldn't help but notice that every news outlet in the country seems to be obsessed with Taylor Swift the last few days. "Wow...Taylor Swift! America's favorite girl next door. She must have done something really magical like make a new single about crying in her bedroom while the boy of her dreams finger-blasts the hot girl." Nope, she figured having 3 albums worth of those songs would be enough for 1 or 2 summers.
"Then she must have come out with a new fragrance that everyone is absolutely dying to get their hands on?" Well sort of; she did come out with a new perfume called Wonderstruck but no one seems to give a shit about it.
This looks like it came out of some Harry Potter purgatory
No, Taylor is getting the most exposure of her career since being so generously brought to relevance by Kanye West at the Grammy's two years ago, because of a wardrobe malfunction.
I know what you're thinking, "Greg, didn't Janet Jackson have a wardrobe malfunction like 10 years ago at the Super Bowl?" The answer is yes, she did. Which gives me hope because the incident at the Super Bowl instigated a complete reanalysis of the ive programming format that major networks use for sporting events and awards shows.
Perhaps this wardrobe malfunction, which surely aired on network television to a viewing audience of millions, will spur some sort of debate about whether or not to let Taylor Swift's image appear unscrambled on television.
Now this is a Taylor Swift I can handle
What's that you say? It's a YouTube video and it was filmed on someone's flipping iPhone? Wow, talk about world class coverage.
Or maybe the video is actually one of those wardrobe malfunctions where the performer accidentally trips on her dress onstage and falls into a pit of angry hyenas!
What's that you say? It's just a thinly veiled attempt by Taylor Swift to do some feux-Marilyn Monroe upskirt publicity?
You gotta be kidding me...
I thought even T. Swizzle wouldn't be stupid enough to pull some stunt like this, so against my better judgement I pulled up the video and watched all three and half agonizing minutes. It was like watching one of those Al-Queda hostage videos; it's totally fucked up and people probably died but it's so painful you have to watch.
The video starts out in a fairly predictable fasion with what looks like a large number of people who were paid to act like they actually care about Swift. Even these hired actors can't stomach the true nature of what they are doing and it quickly turns sad when most of them just throw out their hands in a lackluster jazz hands motion.
Things get truly odd at about the 30 second mark when you notice that the audience isn't only paid actors, but also includes some cybertronic clones of Taylor Swift. This begs the obvious conclusion: they couldn't even pay enough people to pretend to like her so they had to put robots who look just like her in the front row. Pathetic...
Then the facade is blown wide open when she gets onstage to "woo" an obviously computer generated audience. Whoever did the graphics for this fake concert should know that it's not just white people in the world. There's Asians and shit out there too, although none of them like Taylor Swift so I guess all the white people graphics are acceptable.
Then the facade is blown wide open when she gets onstage to "woo" an obviously computer generated audience. Whoever did the graphics for this fake concert should know that it's not just white people in the world. There's Asians and shit out there too, although none of them like Taylor Swift so I guess all the white people graphics are acceptable.
Once she opens her mouth you can tell it's so bad that she must be lip syncing (her live singing is much worse). Fast forward through some awkward "performing" to the 1 minute mark. Here is where we see what the free world is in a tizzy about.
Her skirt blows up. She pats it down. Holy shit. This is unbelievable! Taylor I never DREAMED you would wear granny panties and have an ass that's smaller than your "tits". This is all so shocking to me!
Ok let's point out the obvious: Taylor had this wind machine put behind her so she could ever so innocently saunter in front of it and expose her junk (referring to her butt and not her music here) to the audience. You think they didn't figure that out in rehearsal? "Hey, if we pay all these people to make robots, act and put in graphics for a fake concert and hire a person to videotape it from the side with their phone, can we at least see if it makes me relevant again?"
Cut to about 2 minutes in and Taylor is joined by what looks like some broke-ass version of the cast from "Rent" the musical. Somehow T Swizzle thinks having these other clowns on stage will boost her street cred or some bullshit. Who knows what goes on in that jelly head of hers.
It has also come to my attention that on this current "Tour" she is on, she has covered the hometown musical heroes of each city. She covered Bon Jovi in New Jersey, Justin Bieber in Toronto, and (for the love of God) Eminem in Michigan.
Last week she was in Chicago, hometown of The Messiah himself, Kanye West. What do you think she did? Did she do her own cutesy fruitsy acoustic version of "Can't tell me nothing"? No. She did some punk rock crap instead because she finally knows her role on this earth and that role is to do everything in her power to stay out of the wrath that is Kanye West's path.
Oh and a sidenote: While Taylor was performing hokey songs for audiences of 13 teenagers, Kanye West released a collaboration CD with Jay-Z called "Watch the Throne" that took over as the Number 1 album in America and broke the record for most iTunes sales in its first week.
Her skirt blows up. She pats it down. Holy shit. This is unbelievable! Taylor I never DREAMED you would wear granny panties and have an ass that's smaller than your "tits". This is all so shocking to me!
Ok let's point out the obvious: Taylor had this wind machine put behind her so she could ever so innocently saunter in front of it and expose her junk (referring to her butt and not her music here) to the audience. You think they didn't figure that out in rehearsal? "Hey, if we pay all these people to make robots, act and put in graphics for a fake concert and hire a person to videotape it from the side with their phone, can we at least see if it makes me relevant again?"
Cut to about 2 minutes in and Taylor is joined by what looks like some broke-ass version of the cast from "Rent" the musical. Somehow T Swizzle thinks having these other clowns on stage will boost her street cred or some bullshit. Who knows what goes on in that jelly head of hers.
It has also come to my attention that on this current "Tour" she is on, she has covered the hometown musical heroes of each city. She covered Bon Jovi in New Jersey, Justin Bieber in Toronto, and (for the love of God) Eminem in Michigan.
Last week she was in Chicago, hometown of The Messiah himself, Kanye West. What do you think she did? Did she do her own cutesy fruitsy acoustic version of "Can't tell me nothing"? No. She did some punk rock crap instead because she finally knows her role on this earth and that role is to do everything in her power to stay out of the wrath that is Kanye West's path.
Oh and a sidenote: While Taylor was performing hokey songs for audiences of 13 teenagers, Kanye West released a collaboration CD with Jay-Z called "Watch the Throne" that took over as the Number 1 album in America and broke the record for most iTunes sales in its first week.
Taylor Swift: Learn how to NOT suck.
