The December 16 gangrape caused a shit-storm of moral outrage that lasted over 2 months, with marches and petitions and Facebook pages and black dot display pics, before everything simmered down and everyone went back to not giving a fuck. In between all that, there was also some Nazi-level assholery by the guys in charge that contrary to their expectations, surprisingly pissed more people off.

What's to be pissed off about celebrating Holi in December?

Its been over half a year since the unfortunate incident, and you would think even the government has forgotten about it, what with so much more important things to take care of like writing hate mail and advertising for restaurants. But that's where you would be wrong. The government has been doing more than paying lip service to the cause, this time they've actually decided to fix the problem. But that's the biggest reason you should be worried. It's like you have a bleeding wound and when you call for a doctor, they send one. But it's this guy-

"My last patient has no complaints."

Call me a skeptic or a pessimist, but this is not an over-reaction, you'll feel the same way. Here are 5 truly baffling measures the Government is pushing for to prevent rape-


1. Empowering women... by turning them into kitchen-themed vigilantes?
Unless the victim is a minor, most of these rapes are gangrapes, probably because the rapists are real life pussies who wouldn't last 1 round in a fair fight with a full-grown woman. Much like the December 16 gangrape, these terrifying incidents are generally perpetuated by groups of three and upwards. A woman needs adequate back-up plans for such an event, just in case the fail-safe plan of calling her friendly rapist brothers 'Bhaiya' somehow did not work. She would probably need a hell of a lot more than Bharatiya maryada in her arsenal if it came to that.

Pack a couple of hand grenades too and we're good to go.

Well, seems like the Mumbai politicians were thinking the same thing. They realized that in a practical world, women would have to by physically empowered to defend themselves against such threats. As a result, the quick thinking party stocked up the local women with anti-rapist weaponry, that is if 3-inch switchblades and chilli powder fits your definition of 'weaponry'. Yes, we are talking about a vigilante squad made up entirely of cooking accessories, because sexism is really cool.

Not the hero we need, and certainly not the one we deserve.

Props to these guys for letting us know that you don't have to be a rapist to be a sexist. While you gotta hand it to the party for the thought behind the effort, the idea that a woman can go all Batman on a bunch of rapists with a fruit peeler and a cooking ingredient is laughably sad. Even if the idea was for a team of kitchen-themed vigilantes, these women would probably stand much better odds if they walked blindfolded into the kitchen and picked up any 2 objects  at random.

Still better than chili powder and switchblade.

2. A hi-tech wrist watch that... records your rape?
India has more than its fair share of engineers, enough to source the creation of every software in the world. So it was about that time someone leveraged all that engineering badassery into a kickass rapist-fighting solution. Now while you are thinking of something like this-



Kapil Sibal gives us this-

What time is it? It's Rape Time!

If you are thinking of something like the Spy Kids where the watch could shoot lasers and had a high speed internet connection, you have way over-estimated our engineering colleges. Instead, Kapil Sibal has ingeniously come up with an anti-rape wrist watch that gives potential rape victims the chance to record a video of their own rape. How does that stop rape? I'm not sure yet. Maybe it operates on the assumption that rapists are extremely camera shy and wouldn't want to be filmed, which raises the question of why the rapist won't simply smash the watch into pieces when he sees himself being recorded.

Rapists only believe in violence against women, not watches.

It is pretty suspicious that the government would want video evidence before taking action, kind of like demanding to see chopped off body parts before deciding that the emergency telephone call is not a prank. Recent revelations of the activities of Metro officials make the implications of this video recording even more terrifying- not only is someone being raped, but the act is being recorded and streamed to who knows where.

"Dude what scary-ass movie is this?"

But that's not all. To make this watch even more loaded with state of the art cutting edge features that are absolutely useless, it was equipped with GPS alerts, just in case our lathi wielding hawaldaars learnt how to operate a computer sometime in the foreseeable future.

3. Puducherry takes a page out of The Matrix, but not in the way you imagined
In Puducherry, the local government is very progressive. They understand that its not the women's fault that they are being raped. That is why they didn't propose some ridiculous solution like a curfew, or even a burqa. Because everyone knows how old fashioned and oppressive a burqa is. And that's why the Puducherry government came up with a totally liberal and feminist solution- an overcoat that covered your whole body. Because an overcoat is western, and more importantly, not Islamic, so there's no way it can be even slightly oppressive. Imagine a town where everyone is walking around in one of these-

Glasses are optional, but highly recommended.

Regardless of the sheer badass radiating from this outfit, it is still a pretty shitty rape-guard. First of all, this outfit is designed solely for those who have an advanced degree in ass-kicking, as you have seen in the Matrix movies. In case you just happen to be one of those rare women who skipped kung-fu training in school, you're gonna want to run. Good luck getting away in that outfit. Secondly, the overcoat basically nullifies what it's supposed to do. Precisely because it is the western counterpart of the burqa, Hollywood has brainwashed us into thinking over coats are sexy. There isn't one man who wouldn't look at an overcoat and not think the woman is wearing nothing underneath.

Admit it, you're thinking it right now.

Shockingly, this idea was quietly rolled back within the next 10 days, probably because the government feared an uprising led by The One against the matrix of retarded laws.

4. Manipur cops want to mind-fuck you and your family
Stagglandd has already explored in great detail the benefits of porn to society. Apart from things already discussed in that article, they are 100% recyclable, do not cause cancer, and have zero cholesterol.

They are also great stress-busters.

The Manipur cops obviously never subscribed to Stagglandd. In an attempt to reduce crimes against women, they started confiscating the one thing that actually gave sexually frustrated men a distraction. Now, if you don't agree, think of the number of guys you know who don't have a girlfriend and while away their days watching porn. Yes, porn actually acts as a pressure cooker valve to our steaming pressure cooker of perverted sexual fantasies. What happen when you tape that valve shut? It becomes a volcano, waiting to erupt.

Pictured above- Your sexually frustrated genitals.

To elaborate, the cops are targeting school and college kids to scan their mobiles for XXX. Of all the age groups that the cops could possibly have targeted, they went exclusively for the one that has the latest and best quality porn, and no there is nothing even remotely suspicious about that.

In a hilariously terrifying aftermath, kids caught with porn on their phones are taken to the police station, from where their parents are called. This is when the horror begins. At the police station, the news of the kid's porn-watching crimes is gently broken to his parents, by playing his entire porn collection in front of them! A counselling session follows immediately, probably to help the now traumatized family cope with the recent overload of information. They are finally let go, with the prospect of a very awkward yet interesting dinner table conversation to look forward to later that night.

"Pass me the cheese bal... er... I mean the cheese... spheres."

As of now, the cops have upscaled from mobile phones to cybercafes, because that is the obvious breeding grounds where new rapists are being hatched everyday. I hate to think of what would happen to a kid and his family if he got caught watching one of those 60-minute Naughty America movies, as opposed to the 5-minute MMS clips you normally store on your mobile.

"Why don't you have some chai, we have another hour left on this video."

5. Mumbai abuses and violates Mannequin rights
Indians have a long history of blaming everything but the rapist for the rape. This has ranged from women hanging out with their guy friends to dressing inappropriately. Mumbai, known for being progressive, because that's where Bollywood heroines live, would never curb women's freedom. Instead, they decided to blame their plastic mannequins for not dressing properly.

Also for not knowing how to sit like a proper lady.

Mannequin studies have revealed that those seemingly innocent looking pieces of plastic were the real culprits all along. Those perfectly shaped tits and gravity defying ass-cheeks are what secretly triggers our rapist tendencies, because in case you missed the rest of the article, all Indian men have internal rapist tendencies just waiting to be triggered. It's not their fault.

"Mannequins! Gotta screw someone right fucking now!"

To protect ourselves from plastic-induced boners, the Greater Mumbai civic corporation asked the mannequins to start covering up. Apparently, the mannequins first resisted the order with a silent and stone-faced rejection. Mounting government pressure eventually forced them to cave in, but not before taking a vow of silence and going on a permanent hunger strike in protest.

They wouldn't even talk to each other.

Unlike other measures on this list, this one has actually been very successful. Zero mannequin rapes have been reported since the time the mannequins have been covered up. Meanwhile, India's infatuation with plastic boobs continues unabated.

The breast thing in Bollywood today!

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