The big holiday news in the Pittsburgh PA area is local communities facing the threat of legal action because of religious icons or symbols placed on public property. These threats come from a group based, of all places, Wisconsin. Why would a group in Wisconsin want to come all the way to Pennsylvania to raise hell? Just who are these people? I hope to find out in an exclusive holiday interview. So deck your halls and sit tight as we return to that famous South Side hot spot, Pariahs.

(I arrive at Pariahs late in the evening. A young waitress escorts me to a table in the back where my guests are already waiting. The members of the Wisconsin organization, Freedom From Religion. Seated at a large round table is Regula. A man wearing a black suit. I notice that he has red eyes and very pale white skin. Sitting next to him is Damion. A young man in a blood red suit, a white shirt, and red necktie. He also has bright red hair. Sitting next to him is Hagatha. A middle aged woman with long unkempt black hair. She is wearing a black dress. Seated next to her is Al Farnsworth. A young man in a grey suit. And last, sitting next to Al is a person wearing a black hoodie. He has the hoodie up over his head and he also has his head bowed low so that I can’t see his face. I was told that his name is Joe. An odd assortment of characters. I sit down and begin the interview.)

BKN: Good evening everyone. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me for this interview. I hope to learn a lot about who you are and why you do what you do.

Al: What exactly do you mean what we do?

BKN: Well, it’s no big secret that your organization goes around the country making legal hassles for communities that have religious symbols on public property.

Al: I take offense to the way you stated that. You make it sound so dirty. It makes us sound like a bunch of criminals. We came here to try to improve our image and to let people know that we’re really not the monsters that the media is making us out to be.

BKN: Monsters. Funny you should say that. It’s my understanding that Regula here comes from Transylvania. Is that correct?

Regula: No. I actually come from Montania.

BKN: Montania? I never heard of the place.

Regula: It’s one of those states out in the west.

BKN: Then don’t you mean Montana? And that’s not what it says on your organization’s website.

Regula: That was a typo. I’m really from Montana.

BKN: What part of Montana?

Regula: The Cleveland district. I think. I don’t get around too much. I keep to myself.

BKN: If you don’t mind my saying so your skin looks awfully pale. Are you ok?

Al: He’s fine. He just has…back problems.

BKN: And then we come to Hagatha. Are you supposed to be some kind of a witch?

Hagatha: Don’t go pointing any fingers, pal. I’m not a witch. Ok? I happen to be a bit gothic. Gothic is popular.

BKN: Popular for teenagers. You look like you’re in your late 40’s.

Hagatha: Well who the hell are you? Sherlock Holmes of the fashion police?

BKN: Let’s just move on. And now we come to Damion. That name sounds kind of familiar. And what’s up with the red suit? It kind of makes you stand out. Don’t you think? I mean. You look like the son of satan or something.

Damion: Son of satan. What an interesting observation. Interesting indeed. But yes. I agree. I like the idea of standing out among the crowd. It’s a statement of my position in life. I’m rich, smart, popular. I’m different from the rest of you. While the other people are just ants on the sidewalk.

Hagatha: But that don’t include me. Does it, sweetheart?

(Hagatha smiles at Damion.)

Damion: No. You’d probably be a maggot.

Al: Damion is upper middle class. He has a tendency to get a little carried away about his status.

BKN: I see. And then we come to you, Al. I understand that you’re an attorney.

Al: Yes. I’m a full partner at the law firm Indolent, Septic, Barren, and Jones. We provide the legal firepower for Freedom From Religion to wage it’s fight for justice.

BKN: Fight for justice? That’s a matter of opinion in this issue. And I understand that you’re representing this mysterious young man here wearing the hoodie. Joe.

Joe: My names not really Joe. I’d like to remain anonymous. So I’m using Joe as an alias.

BKN: An alias? Why all the secrecy?

Al: As Joe’s attorney I’d like to answer that. Joe here has contacted the group regarding a direct violation of the law regarding the separation of church and state. Joe here is standing up for the law. But there are a few radicals in his community who might not have the same appreciation for Joe’s courage and conviction. So we think that it’s better for his own good to keep a low profile.

BKN: His courage and conviction? In what? Raising a big stink over the ten commandments plaque near the steps of the Ellwood city hall? Surely you must be blind to the fact that the plaque’s presence is supported by nearly one hundred percent of the citizens there.

Al: You know. I take offense to that remark.

BKN: What remark?

AL: You said blind. That’s shows you have a serious insensitivity to people who are visually challenged.

Joe: Yeah dude man. You should sue his ass for that.

BKN: Sorry. I should be more politically correct. Surely you are visually challenged to the fact that the plaque’s presence is supported by nearly one hundred percent of the citizens.

Al: That’s better. And yes. We are aware of that number. But we’re willing to disregard that fact because we feel that there might be some sort of influence by the government.

BKN: Influence by the government? In what way?

Joe: Are you nuts or something? You think the government can’t throw you in jail if you don’t go along with the program?

Al: Joe. Please watch your language.

Joe: Oops. Sorry man. I meant to say, are you sanity challenged?

BKN: Do you have any proof that the government is forcing people to go along with the plaque?

Regula: Our proof is the plaque on government property. That’s good enough for us. And by the way. What’s your blood type?

BKN: Type O. Why are you asking?

Regula: How’s your cholesterol? Do you eat a lot of salt?

Al: Let’s not get off the subject here. So after Joe here contacted us with his complaint we sent a special investigative team to Ellwood City to scout out the situation. Once we learned all we could about the violation we confronted the city leaders and gave them a list of our demands.

BKN: And what were those demands?

Al: Removal of the plaque from city property. A ban on all public displays of religious symbols. Including anything pertaining to Christmas. And Easter too. But we’re willing to back off on President’s day.

Hagatha: Christmas. Bah! Bah! The hell with it.

Regula: I second that motion. Too bad we can’t have a little drink to celebrate the occasion. Perhaps I’ll order a waitress.

BKN: Don’t you mean order from the waitress?

Damian: Come to think of it I wouldn’t mind ordering a bite to eat myself. I’m feeling a bit famished.

Hagatha: So am I, dearie. Maybe we can have a meal for two.

Damion: Maybe I’m suddenly on a diet.

(At this moment I see a man wearing a red and green striped sweater approaching the table. He is also wearing a broad rimed hat. His face is horribly scarred. I immediately recognize him as Freddy Kruger. And he’s carrying what seems to be a pack of cigarettes.)

BKN: Freddy? What the hell are you doing here? Don’t tell me that you’re a member of this group.

Freddy: Not exactly. I kind of work for Damion here.

Damion: That’s Mr Damion, Kruger. And did you get what I asked from the Rite Aid across the street?

Freddy: Yes sir Mr Damion.

(Freddy hands Damion the pack of cigarettes. And angry scowl appears on Damion’s face.

Damion: What the hell is this? I told you to get me a pack of Newport Kings in the soft pack. You brought me Newports in the box. Are you some kind of an idiot?

Freddy: No sir. Maybe I just forgot what you said.

Damion: And maybe the paint is starting to flake off from your brain you moron. Take these back and go get me what I asked for. Newport kings in the soft pack.

Freddy: Yes sir. sorry sir. Right away sir.

BKN: Freddy. What’s the deal here?

Freddy: Well, I’m kind of broke with no more Elm Street movies. And I can’t get any other acting jobs. So I started looking for a job on Craig’s List. I answered Mr Damion’s ad and he hired me as his personal valet.

Damion: Yes. But at the time I didn’t know that stupidity came by the pound. And I’m not paying you to stand here and vegetate. Move your ass.

Freddy: Yes sir.

(Freddy turns and runs from the area.)

BKN: Getting back to your group’s activities. What overall good do you think will come from you trying to remove anything pertaining to religion from public view?

Joe: We’re stopping the government from oppressing the people and establishing a government church or something like that. If we don’t then we’re gonna see all our freedoms melt like butter in a deep fryer.

Hagatha: Yes fool. You wanna have some jack booted thug toss a Molotov cocktail through your bedroom window? Then again you might get off on that.

BKN: I’m having trouble following your logic.

Regula: Maybe your brain is a little too clouded. That comes from on oversupply of blood. I can help you with that.

Al: Let’s focus here people.

BKN: So tell me about some of the other things that your group is doing to, as you say, help protect our freedoms.

AL: We have a number of projects going on at this time. We’re inspecting cities across the country to insure that they don’t violate the separation of church and state law. We’re doing what we can to curb the abuses that pop up around this time. Public displays of Christmas. Public references of Christmas. Then there’s our lawsuit against the band, Godsmack.

BKN: A lawsuit against Godsmack? What the hell do you have against them?

Joe: We need them to change their name, dude. I mean seriously. The name is ok for their fans who are religious and all that. But what about those fans who are atheists or agnostics?

BKN: Or idiots.

Damion: Hey. I think that shot is uncalled for.

Al: Yes. It was very insensitive.

BKN: Sorry. Intellectually challenged.

Hagatha: That’s definitely you, Joe.

Joe: What? Wait. Who’s side are you on?

(Freddy comes running back to the table. He stops and begins to pant heavily for air.)

Freddy: I’m back Mr Damion, sir. And I got your cigarettes. Just like you told me, sir.

(Freddy hands the cigarette pack to Damion. Damion looks at the pack and them flies into a rage.)

Damion: No! No! No you idiot! You brought me Newport lights in the box. I wanted Newport Kings in the soft pack. Is that DVD spinning inside your brain scratched or something? Go back and get me what I told you to!

Freddy; Yes sir. Sorry sir.

Damion: You’re stupid and a fool.

Freddy: Yes sir. Very good sir.

Hagatha: Hey Sweet buns. If you’re sending the stumble bum back to Rite Aid can you have him bring me a can of Skoal?

Damion: If it will get you off my back then ok.

Hagatha: Nice. Maybe you and I can have a little chew for two.

Damion: I’d rather chew on a land mine.

(Freddy turns and leaves)

BKN: So your group is suing the band Godsmack to force them to change their name. How is that case going?

Al: So far we haven’t heard from their attorney’s yet. But we’re optimistic that they’ll see things our way.

Joe: We also want them to pay a cash settlement for the pain and suffering of all their atheist and agnostic fans. It’s a class action lawsuit. I hope they pay up soon. I wanna get the new Halo for X-Box 360.

Al: And a good thing you mentioned that, Joe. We also have a lawsuit pending against the makers of the Halo video game series to get them to change the name.

BKN: What the hell’s wrong with the name Halo?

Al: Seriously. Halo? You think that doesn’t have a religious significance?

BKN: Since you guys are doing all this legal work to banish religious references the next question that I have for you is do you even worry about people thinking that you should put your time and energy into more constructive purposes? I mean, there are more serious problems in the world to deal with besides getting Godsmack to change their name.

Al: You’re absolutely right. We’re also filing a lawsuit to ban Godzilla movies.

Joe: Yeah. And we want a cash settlement from that case too. But as long as they don’t pay us in yen or something I’ll be happy.

(Freddy returns once again. Running up to the table and stopping to pant for air.)

Freddy: I got it, Mr Damion, sir. I got your smokes.

(Freddy hands the cigarettes to Damion.)

Damion: Newport Kings in the soft pack. Just like I asked. I’m impressed. There’s hope for you yet, Kruger.

Freddy; Thank you sir.

Hagatha: Hold on, scarecrow. Where the hell is my Skoal?

Freddy: I couldn’t find it. I looked all through the candy isle.

Hagatha: Skoal isn’t candy you idiot!

Freddy: Back off, lady. I don’t work for you.

Damion: Just go back and get her the damn Skoal. Maybe it will get her to shut her trap.

Freddy: Yes sir.

(Freddy turns and then leaves.)

BKN: Are all the other members of your group this…colorful?

AL: No. The others are just ordinary working class people no different that you and me.

Joe: Well. There is that dude with the one eye in the middle of his face. He creeps me out.

Al: Put a lid on it, Joe.

BKN: I’d like to get back to the issue of your group taking on more serious problems with your time and legal power.

Al: And just what kind of problems would that be? We’re trying to keep jack booted thugs from kicking down your door one morning and forcing you to go to Sunday School? Do you want a cop to pull you over and give you a ticket for sneaking out of church too early?

BKN: Those examples you’re giving me sound a bit too senseless to take seriously.

Al: There you go with the insensitivity thing again.

BKN: I’m sorry. Logically challenged. How does that sound?

Regula: Much better. You sound like you were born in a barn or someplace.

BKN: And you look like you were born in a mausoleum.

Regula: As a matter of fact I was. And what of it?

Hagatha: I’ve never seen such insensitive bigotry. If I had my cat in my purse I’d have him scratch your face off.

Joe: Yeah man. We should sue him. How much can we get?

Al: Right now from what I can determine not too much.

Joe: I’ll take it. I need bus fare to get home.

Regula: Speaking of home when does the sun come up around here? I don’t want to be out too late.

Hagatha: Don’t worry paleface. You can bum a ride with Damion and me. I’m giving the broom a rest tonight.

Damion: Where are you getting this, “And me,” part?

(Once again Freddy makes his hasty return to the table. Panting for air.)

Freddy: Mr Damion, sir. Old hag. I looked all through the candy and cereal section in Rite Aid. I couldn’t find any Skoal.

Damion: Oh I’ll be damned. Are you really that stupid?

Hagatha: Skoal aint candy or cereal you lamebrain. It’s a chewing tobacco.

Freddy: Well hell. I didn’t know. I don’t smoke.

Damion: You will when I get you home. Go back you jackass.

Freddy: Great. I should have taken that job at FedEx.

Damion: What was that?

Freddy: Nothing sir.

(Freddy turns and leaves.)

Hagatha: What an idiot. You know. When we get hitched we’re gonna have to get us some decent help.

Damion: Whoa. Hit the brakes, Medusa. What the hell are you talking about?

Hagatha: You and me. Come on. I’ve seen the way you look at me. And you have to admit that we’d make a really great couple.

Joe: Yeah man. A wedding. I hope is gonna be a civil ceremony.

Damion: Your funeral is going to be a civil ceremony if you don‘t shut that hole in your face, kid.

(Regula busts out in a fit of laughter.)

Regula: Look at the happy couple here. Hey old witch. Are you going to change your first name to Rosemary?

Damion: Listen you oversized leech. You want to wake up with a crucifix tattooed to your ass?

Regula: Oooh. Look at how scary the son of satan is. Are you going to fight your own battle or run to your daddy?

Damion: You stinking parasite. You dare speak to me like that? really?

(At this moment Freddy runs up to the table.)

Freddy: Ok you stinkin old witch. I got you your Skoal. A stupid name for cigarettes if you ask me.

Damion: Never mind that you idiot. I want you to punch this jackass in the mouth.

Freddy: What? You want me to punch out Dracula here?

Damion: Just do it!

Freddy: Yes sir. Sorry pal. Nothing personal.

(Regula points a finger past the table.)

Regula: Look. Is that a priest coming?

Damion: A priest? My. Look at the time. Kruger. Lets get moving. Haul ass.

Freddy: Yes sir.

Hagatha: Wait for me. I need a ride. I don’t have my broom.

(Regula, Damion, Hagatha, and Freddy all leave the table and beat a hasty retreat.)

Al: My. Look at the time. I have to go and study some legal briefs. Thanks for a lovely evening.

Joe: Hey wait up. I need a ride home. Maybe we can find somebody to sue on the way.

(Al and Joe get up and leave the table. The next moment a priest indeed approaches the table. I recognize him as Father Jim from the local parish.)

Father Jim: Good evening my son. I haven’t seen you in a while.

BKN: I’ve been busy as of late. I’ve just finished my latest interview.

Father Jim: Really? How did it go?

BKN: Just the way that I expected, Father. Just the way I expected. Now I’m in the mood for some stimulating company. Have a seat. It’s time for dinner. And my treat.

(And that concludes our latest interview at Pariahs. Happy Holidays.)