This will probably be the most loathed entry in my entire blog, probably even more than suggesting Casey Anthony should rape Trayvon Martins corpse while Zimmerman masturbates whilst sobbing, but it has to happen. While reading this article, play the above cover of Stairway to Heaven, as performed by Frank Zappa. Not only will it calm your fiery RAGE down a few levels (this rage goes to 11) but it also illustrates what Zeppelin would sound like if a true genius was at the helm.
I. HATE. Led Zeppelin.
| Learn how to sing, you asshole. |
I'd say Led Zeppelin are, by far, the most overrated band in the history of music. I feel this title is undisputed, and the only band to come close to getting as undeservedly exalted as them would be Nirvana. And although Zeppelin are miles ahead of Nirvana in terms of, well, everything, people don't consider Nirvana the most talented group of musicians of all-time. They just get credit for starting grunge. And killing hair metal. (Those bastards!)
Led Zeppelin is arguably the most celebrated rock band in history. They have millions of die-hard fans, a ridiculous legacy, the mystery and aura that goes along with the early death of a member/refusal of a legitimate reunion...But to people who's ears aren't stuffed to the brain with Jimmy Page and Robert Plants figurative cocks, they aren't all they're cracked out to be. It's obvious when comparing them to their peers they're a bit...out of their league.
Let's just say, that in the academy of classic rock, Zeppelin
Deep Purple make Led Zeppelin sound like Nickelback. Purple could cover ANY Zep tune live and bring it to another level. Zep would stumble around Purps intricate song-structures in a heroin-induced daze, confused the songs have more than 2 riffs in them. If Zep tried to tackle some Tull, Yes, or Gentle Giant? Fugettabout it, their heads would explode at musical dynamics they didn't even knew existed.
Let's just say, that in the academy of classic rock, Zeppelin
rode the short-bus to school.
Deep Purple make Led Zeppelin sound like Nickelback. Purple could cover ANY Zep tune live and bring it to another level. Zep would stumble around Purps intricate song-structures in a heroin-induced daze, confused the songs have more than 2 riffs in them. If Zep tried to tackle some Tull, Yes, or Gentle Giant? Fugettabout it, their heads would explode at musical dynamics they didn't even knew existed.
A-Z BANDS BETTER THAN ZEPPELIN
Alice Cooper
Black Sabbath
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Creedence Clearwater Revival
Deep Purple
Edgar Winter Group
Foreigner
Foreigner
Grateful Dead
Heaven and Hell
Iron Maiden
Jethro Tull
King Crimson
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Meat Loaf
Neil Young
Ozric Tentacles
Pink Floyd
Queen
Rainbow
Savatage
The Who
Uriah Heep
Van Halen
War
X-Japan
Yes
Zappa Plays Zappa
Heaven and Hell
Iron Maiden
Jethro Tull
King Crimson
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Meat Loaf
Neil Young
Ozric Tentacles
Pink Floyd
Queen
Rainbow
Savatage
The Who
Uriah Heep
Van Halen
War
X-Japan
Yes
Zappa Plays Zappa
Cut me a break on that last one, "Zappa Plays Zappa" IS better than Zeppelin. Plus, ZZ Top is a lot harder to sell than Zappa Plays Zappa, and I'm trying to prove a point here, fuckers. I could do this list about 2 or 3 more times, but "Z" and "X" are gonna prove to be tricky. Maybe a "100 Bands Better Than Zeppelin" list next? That would actually be easier.
And now, before you sacrifice me and spill my guts on your Led Zeppelin alters, I offer you rabid fans this peace pipe...
And now, before you sacrifice me and spill my guts on your Led Zeppelin alters, I offer you rabid fans this peace pipe...
A-Z BANDS/RAPPERS SHITTIER THAN ZEPPELIN
AFI
Backstreet Boys
Coldplay
Coldplay
Def Leppard
Evanescence
Foo Fighters
Girl TalkFoo Fighters
Hinder
ICP
Jay Z
KoRn
Lil' Wayne
My Chemical Romance
Nirvana
Obie Trice
KoRn
Lil' Wayne
My Chemical Romance
Nirvana
Obie Trice
Poison
Queen Latifah (of the Stone Age)
Queen Latifah (of the Stone Age)
Radiohead
Shinedown
Tila Tequila
U2
Vanilla Ice
White Stripes
Xzibit
Yellowcard
Zebrahead
There, we square, fuckers?
Shinedown
Tila Tequila
U2
Vanilla Ice
White Stripes
Xzibit
Yellowcard
Zebrahead
There, we square, fuckers?
Ya know what I really don't understand, is why you Zeppelin fans get so unbelievably pissed someone trashes your band, as if suggesting this band sucks somehow diminishes your credibility. You literally HATE anyone who doesn't love your precious little Wed Zepwin. You are almost as elite as the Grateful Dead cult, yet you are so much angrier. Hell, I enjoyed my time in the Grateful Dead cult thoroughly, and return somewhat frequently. (I also love the Grateful Dead for their unique take on music.)
I'm serious when I say this; you can literally watch any respect you had from a Zeppelin fan quickly drain from their consciousness the second you admit you're not a die-hard fan of the band.
Why the fuck is not liking Zeppelin something you would have to ADMIT to? It's a fucking personal preference and opinion. I BRAG to people I enjoy the song "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal, why should I feel ashamed simply because I don't like a band who gets their egos jacked off constantly by 99 out of 100 music fans and 88.8 out of 89 music critics?
I don't attack people for hating on the entire 80's metal genre, saying bands like Iron Maiden and Judas Priest are equivalent to Poison. Listen, I'm sorry your brains can't comprehend the musical genius of Savatage, and I pity the fact you'd rather bathe in mediocrity and shitty grunge music or soulless pop drivel, but I'm not gonna attack your right to bathe in that shitty, grungy, bland as shit mediocrity.
Why the fuck does MY opinion matter, any way? I'm just ONE musician, one complete nobody that rants on a comedy blog no one laughs at and releases free music, fairly regularly, that no one listens to. (It would make peoples brains explode, so they're dodging a musical bullet by ignoring my shit.) Who gives a fuck that I don't like Led Zeppelin?
FUCK YOU for personally attacking me for stating an opinion, you fucking shitheads, I didn't even bring you up! This is between ME and LED ZEPPELIN. STAND DOWN! Why are you defending them so vehemently, anyway? Did you fuck Robert Plant backstage at one of his shitty solo shows? Are you a distant relative of the late, great, John Bonham? Do you feel guilty for selling bootleg "Lead Zeppelin" shirts back in the early 70's at one of their gigs, and are trying to realign your moral compass? (Don't worry, they "bootlegged" a huge chunk of their music, stole tons of their shit....they even stole their band name.) Oh, it's just, my opinion is different than yours, you say? Well shut the fuck up, then. Drown me out with some Led Zeppelin. Or better yet, drown yourself.
Seriously, anyone who's still with me, go say you hate Zeppelin in a crowded area, yell it at the top of your lungs, and watch all the reactions you elicit. People will look at you like you just raped their children after covering your cock (or strap on dildo, for you ladies out there) with cyanide and anthrax and wrapped it with barbed wire or something.
Seriously, anyone who's still with me, go say you hate Zeppelin in a crowded area, yell it at the top of your lungs, and watch all the reactions you elicit. People will look at you like you just raped their children after covering your cock (or strap on dildo, for you ladies out there) with cyanide and anthrax and wrapped it with barbed wire or something.
When did Led Zeppelin hate start generating a level of disgust reserved for things like rape, pedophilia, and curb stomping puppies?
UPDATE: June 4th, 2013
It's been over a year, and since this article is still getting so much love....just look at the comments.....I thought I'd update to inform everyone THIS ARTICLE is the very first result when you search "Led Zeppelin sucks" on google. Being the #1 result when you search "Led Zeppelin Sucks" on Google makes me more proud than the 38 minute song I composed and recorded earlier this year.
Seriously, let me google that for you.
This post first appeared on Sweet Funky Freedom (Conspiracy Humor Blog), please read the originial post: here
