The big release of Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! is July 22, 2015. That’s tomorrow! It’s the third installment in what will now be one of the most epic …. groundbreaking … monumental … oh, I give up. It’s the third one. And, if you have even one frail, osteoporosis-inflicted funny bone in your body, you should tune in.

My daughter, Viv, and I couldn’t be more excited. We’ll probably watch it dressed as our favorite characters. Eating sushi and shark-themed snacks. With some kind of blood red beverage. Of course.

Oh, and speaking of my daughter, recently turned 13, do you guys realize I am now the parent of TWO teenagers?!!? (Bring on Wally World.) And as I was thinking about Sharknado 3, and my kids, an idea came to me for a blog post. And thus was born ….

Nine Ways Teenagers Are Just Like Sharknado

1. At any moment, you could have your head bitten off.

Without warning.

2. Everything just so, so, so messy  … almost all of the time.

Blood? Please. I wish blood was the only mess they made. Sharks ain’t got nothing on teenagers.

3. The dialogue is usually some of the most ridiculous you’ve ever heard.

Seriously, you couldn’t write this stuff if you tried. Except for Sharknado. Because people are writing it. And getting paid for it. (pausing to think, which explains the faint smell of smoke around my head) Wonder if they’d hire my kids.

4. Second chances are always available as a safety net.

Don’t like the football team? Try the basketball team. Failed the math test? Ask about extra credit. Swallowed by a shark? A friend can cut you out with a chainsaw. Problem solved.

5. You’re often asked, nay expected, to do something quite difficult that you’ve never actually done before.

Like reverse bungee jumping, Latin conjugation or landing an imperiled plane being attacked by flying sharks.

6. Absurd characters make cameos in your day-to-day life.

And while none of them is Andy Dick or Billy Ray Cyrus, it wouldn’t surprise me one bit if someone like Rodrick or Patty Farrell from the Wimpy Kid series suddenly walked through my door one day.

7. Like sharks, I’m almost positive that teenagers are also bisectable by chain saw.

Although technically, I am only guessing on this one.

8. You shouldn’t try to make sense of anything that is happening around you.

It’s best just to plant your feet firmly and deal with the problems (or flying sharks) as they’re thrown at you.

9. The best advice to give a teenager (and a Sharknado viewer) is always the same.

Don’t take everything so seriously. It’s just supposed to be fun.

Can’t wait!

I don’t think I’ve been this excited since I learned you could fry cheese, you guys!

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! World Premiere

Wednesday, July 22 9/8c

SyFy Network