So, apparently the best way maintain a blog and Twitter Account is to update / post on it… who knew!!

            Anywho, I return to you, internet-world, with an amazingly simple concept about how to best avoid having someone sit next to you when you’re riding the bus. These are not guarantees, nor insults, nor instructions/recommendations—merely, these are observations. Observations made about myself or about my other transitters. What you do with my observations is your own choosing…

If you really need for someone to not sit next to you, I’d say you should A) use your words and B) ask yourself: “why am I being such an ass that some random stranger can’t sit next to me—it’s not like I own the bus.” (If you do own the bus, then… I don’t know! Good for you.)

1)             Watching Something Graphic on your Laptop/iPad/Viewing Device: Let me begin by clarifying that I am not saying this should be porn. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. But watching something like Walking Dead or something a little violent and gory. Hell, even watch a few Lonely Island music videos. Or even Lady Gaga. Just making people uncomfortable enough to not want to be near you.

2)             A Shit Ton of Shit: If you have a lot of crap, luggage, bags, or whatever (even if they’re like… empty bags) it’ll appear as though there’s just not enough room for anyone but you and your baggage.

3)             A Bizarre Outfit: So, obviously, bizarre is open to interpretation (as is “outfit”). Be it a full on costume (maybe you’re dressed like Spiderman) or you’re a clown suit or you just have weird funky clothes that clearly says “There may be something mentally wrong with you.” And then, just go for it.  Not lobbying for nudity either (illegal), but just the correct amount of weird.

4)             Appearing Disheveled: I have seen people who appear “nearly homeless” be ignored completely on the bus. I, myself, grow out my beard and sometimes where my big rain jacket, may have a cough or sometimes the sniffles, and then I get that “he’s clearly a homeless person” look and no one sits next to me. For the record I am a college graduate, was employed full-time (funemployment for the win!), and I have a fancy little apartment complex that I live in. I just was not feeling fancy when I left that day.

5)             Being a Person of Color: Originally, I was going to say “Being Black” but then I remembered one day in SF, I rode the MUNI lightrail underground train, it was packed, no one would sit next to me and told that to my Korean coworker the next day and he was like “That happens to me all the time.” Sorry people with racist tendencies, I’m saying it: I know you don’t want to sit next to certain people of color. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk….

6)             Smiling & Staring at People as the Walk Down the Aisle Toward You: Because it’s just kinda creepy.

7)             Spacelessness: Now, this can include a variety of things. For this one, you may need to be in the window seat and then have your body stretched out over the aisle seat. Maybe you have your feet up, maybe you’re a little over weight, maybe you’re asleep—ultimately, your body and body language is spilling over to the second seat and is saying “Yeah, I am the only person sitting down in these two seats.” Acting as though you are asleep, potentially with shades on (and with headphones on) just tells people you mean business.

8)             Quietly Mumbling to Yourself: If someone’s actually doing this, I would suggest not sitting next to them, because you can’t tell if they are joking or just actually a mentally unstable person. If you aren’t an actual crazy person, just quietly mumble to yourself until everyone’s seated. Then throw on your headphones and you’re all good. In fact, have headphones on to begin with. Recommendations for mumbles: quietly, yet crazily, sing lyrics of some song that would song creepy if you were just saying the lines (i.e.: one of those romantic songs that if you listen to the words is a little stalkerish… that’d be a good one).

9)             Personal Hygiene: Maybe skip your deodorant, ignore a shower a two, decline some toothbrush time, and just let someone get near you and go “Wow, there is a smell coming forth from you that I just don’t want invading my nasal zones… ever…”

10)          Waiting for your Best Pal “Nobody” to appear: “Oh yeah, my friend Ted is in line behind you. I have the seat saved for him.” Whoever that person is you’re talking to will move on and sit down somewhere else and “Ted” will just keeeeeep on walking. Otherwise if that’s the last person in line and they ask to sit down next to you just smile, blink at them a few times and say “Why yes, I do mind if you sit next to me…. Goodbye…” And just wait for the awkward pregnant pause to give birth as that person moves on going “What the fuck just happened.”

And if all else fails… watch that one Jenna Marbles video with “the face” and no one will ever sit next to you again… :D

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