Previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"

One night before leaving the local coffee shop Russ went to use the bathroom, one of the bathrooms was out of order, so he used the any sex? co ed? bathroom.  You need a code to get in the bathroom, but he tried pulling on the door anyways.  He got the code from an employee, and seeing that no one was in the bathroom... the lock was not engaged, or else it would have said "occupied" and instead said "vacant" ...Pretty simple right?  To make things simpler, when it says "vacant" the background is green... signifying what?  That's right, go.  When the lock says "occupied" what color do you think the background is?  That's correct, brown.  Just kidding red.  So, stop.

Russ has been in the bathroom many a times here in LA at the local coffee shops... and you don't know how many times Russ would be using the bathroom, with the door locked, and somebody would still try and enter the code, and pull the door open.  Come on.  Are people really that dumb?  More on dumb people in a moment.  Back to the story...

...Russ entered in the code, and opened the door... there standing with her pants down was an elderly lady.

"This is the woman's room."

It wasn't the woman's room... it was the any gender bathroom.

"Sorry sorry... sorry."

Russ shut the door quickly, and just decided to leave, scarred for life... that image now burned into his brain.

"Why didn't she lock the door?  That bitch... and what was she doing with all those paper towels?  Forget it Russ.  Forget it."

Note: As I sit here and type this she's sitting five feet from me, she keeps looking over here.

Back to dumb people... Russ had a lot of free time on his hand and was going to a lot of comedy shows... he'd get there really early, usually the first in line right by the door, to get a good seat.  As more and more people would show up, almost every time he went to show, someone would see this long line, come up to Russ, and ask.

"Is this the back of the line?"

Why would the line end at the entrance to the theatre?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Russ has been locked out of the apartment on two occasions so far, and they probably won't be the last.  The first night he got locked out, Russ had just finished his evening stroll, he went to get his bag out of his car, and headed to the front door of the apartment.

Like most apartment buzzer box things, you'd dial a code, and that would call the cellphone of whoever you're trying to get ahold of.  Russ dialed The Actor's code, and the phone rang until finally The Actor's voice mail picked up.  It won't let you leave a message.  Russ wasn't too worried, it was pretty early in the evening, if The Actor didn't buzz him in, somebody would enter the apartment building sooner or later.

Russ heard someone walking up to the building.

"Yes!"

Russ turned around.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! DON'T KILL ME!! ...oh... hey."

It was The Drug Addict... looking terrible as always.

"Hey man."
"Hey... how long you been waiting out here?"
"Oh just a minute or two... "The Actor" won't pick up his phone."
"I hate when this shit happens.  God dammit."

The Drug Addict repeatedly tried to get ahold of The Actor through the buzzer.  No success.

"This is fucking bullshit!"

The Drug Addict was getting awfully angry.  He'd only been outside for about a minute.  The Drug Addict looked like being alive was causing him a lot of pain, he was all hunched over with his hands on his knees... then he sat down on the ground.

"I just went to the store to buy some fresh strawberries..."

Uh... what?  Really?  Russ looked down at the plastic grocery bag The Drug Addict had... yep... he had a small box of strawberries in there.  Russ thought that was kind of odd, but maybe it's a drug addict thing... fresh strawberries... hm.

The Drug Addict kept trying The Actor over and over again.  Russ just sat on the railing and waited.  A few minutes later someone entered the apartment.

"Do you guys live here?"

The Drug Addict answered...

"Yea we're in in 302 with Byrone."

First rule about living with The Actor, don't advertise you're living with The Actor... you're on thin ice The Drug Addict, be careful.

Russ and The Drug Addict entered the building and went up to the apartment.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The second time Russ got locked out of the apartment was last night, or when this post goes up, a few nights ago.  Russ had gone to a show at the local comedy club that started at midnight.

Russ had been taking sleeping pills which were kind of helping him get some sleep at night.  He'd usually try to take one late at night before getting back to the apartment, so by the time he got there the pill would start kicking in.

So, the show ended around 1:00 am, Russ took one of his pills... he had to take a piss, but figured he could wait until he go to the apartment.  Twenty minutes later, Russ got to the building and tried getting ahold of The Actor on the buzzer.  This time it went straight to The Actor's voice mail.  Russ kept trying, but with no success.

At this point Russ really had to take a piss, and he was growing tired.  Surely someone would enter the building and he could get in.

Another twenty minutes passed, Russ kept trying to buzzer, and then decided to text one of his room mates, The Drug Dealer... the only phone number he had from anyone in the apartment.

Oh wait that's right, The Drug Dealer went to work at 1am, and who knows when he'd be home.  Russ really had to piss... he was tempted to go somewhere and relieve himself, but he was afraid while he did so, he'd miss his chance at getting into the building.

At this point Russ had been stuck outside the building for 45 minutes, before someone let him in.  Russ got up to the apartment, took a piss, and laid down.  By the time he'd get to sleep, he'd be awoken a short time later, by kids screaming and running around the apartment.  He'd lay there for two hours, not sleeping, but just laying there before The Actor took The Four Kids to church.  Thank god... some peace and quiet.  Russ got up, and started his day.

Russ found out that morning, that when The Drug Dealer got home early that morning, he was stuck outside for almost two hours before getting inside... he even tried texting/calling Russ a couple times.

"Not my problem brah."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"
Russ makes a friend, and helps out a stranger... but just for a little bit.