Note: If you're new, you should start reading from the beginning.

Previously on...

"Woah woah woah... hold up Russ... where the fuck have you been?  You haven't updated your blog in like a month!"
 "Where's your blog? Huh?  HUH?  Why don't you try having shitty things happen to you on a daily basis, and write about it, so you'll never forget... then have everyone tell you it's hilarious... little do they know you're sitting in the corner of Starbucks everyday, crying as you type up your newest blog update, and when the manager comes over and asks you what's wrong, you yell at him telling him that nothing's wrong, your allergies are just acting up, as he slowly backs up telling the other employee to call the police, you just yell 'Oh great, here's another hilarious situation I can write about! Fantastic!'  At this point you're sobbing uncontrollably, you pack up your stuff and as you walk out you yell 'Fuck this!  I don't need this place!! I come here to take shits and use your free internet!'  Then you run down the street."

The Writers Strike is over folks... Can't promise posts everyday, but maybe once a week?  Who knows.

So... previously on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"

At one point while Russ was in Vegas he had to switch hotels.

"What?  Why?"
"Patience, <insert your name here> my friend, you'll find out in a couple days."

The hotel he'd switched to was really cheap because it was newly renovated, and was really nice.  There was a small casino, and a bar on the first floor that sold drinks... get this... at normal, reasonable prices.  So one night, Russ went down to the bar, and sat there and drank for 3 or 4 hours.

The bar wasn't that busy, there were a few regulars, and then a few people who worked there that were just hanging out.  At one point a couple came into the bar, that knew everyone else.  The girl was hammered.  After a little while the couple got into a fight, and the guy went up to their hotel room, while the girl stayed at the bar.  The girl then would talk to one or two people for a little bit, then she'd move to another group... and she eventually got to Russ.

"Hi!"
"Hey..."
"What's your name?"
"Russ."
"Hi Russ I'm... (I don't remember her name so let's call her Liz) Liz."
"Hey..."
"So what are you doing here Russ?"
"Just hanging out drinking."
"No no no what are you doing HERE in Vegas?"
"Oh... I don't know really."
"You don't know?!"
"Well I kinda moved here... maybe?"
"Why would you move here?"
"Why not?"
"No why would you move here?"
"Uh... why not?"
"What do you do here?"
"I'm looking for work."
"You came here without a job?!?"
"Uh... yes."
"You're either crazy or really rich... right?"
"..."
"You're rich aren't you?  Mr Money Bags over here."
"I guess."
"You know what?  You're boring me.  I'm going to talk to someone more entertaining."
"Go for it."

She stumbled away, and left Russ alone.

"Drunk bitch."

Russ had a few more drinks and then somehow made it back to his hotel room.

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With all the hustle and bustle of this LA lifestyle Russ needed to relax.  He needed a drink.  On a few of his nightly walks he'd passed a bar called "Jumbo's Clown Room" ...there weren't any windows so you couldn't see in, but there was always a chill looking crowd outside smoking.  This was it.  Tonight was the night he was going to check this place out.

Russ drover to the bar, which was only a 5-7 minute walk from where Russ was staying, but it was raining out...

"You don't have an umbrella?"
 "Can I finish?"

...it was raining, AND Russ needed new shoes badly.  He'd been wearing the same pair of shoes for over a year, so they were pretty worn... combine that with Russ constantly putting cigarettes out on the bottom of his shoes and what do you get?  Russ knows the answer to this...

It only rained a few times in LA, but everytime it did Russ's shoes would fill up with water, then his socks would get wet, he'd be uncomfortable, and then his shoes, socks, and feet would smell bad.

"Here's an idea Russ... get new shoes!"

Note: I got new shoes like two days before leaving LA.

Anyways... let's just skip ahead to getting to the front door of the bar.  Russ walks, (in his shoes and socks that ended up getting soaked anyways) up to the bouncer, who stares him up and down.  Russ handed the bouncer his ID.

"You ever been to this place?"
"No."
"Well it's twenty-one and over... oh... you are over 21."
"Yep... is there a cover?"

The bouncer handed his ID back to Russ.

"No, but there's a two drink minimum."

Russ thought that was kind of weird for a bar, but he didn't mind.  He'd probably have more than two drinks anyways.

"Oh ok... well do you guys take cards?"
"Yea... and there's also an ATM inside."
"Oh ok cool."

Russ started to walk into the bar.

"Oh and make sure you tip the girls."
"Uh...kay."

Russ walked into the bar, down the short hallway, turned the corner and the first thing that caught his eye was this hot girl on stage grinding a stripper pole.

"Hellooo."

The next thing Russ noticed was a bunch of dudes sitting as close to the stage as possible throwing plenty of ones up on the stage... oh excuse me... "making it rain" ... and a few girls in the audience cheering.

"Oh god dammit."

Russ just realized why there was a two drink minimum, and why the bouncer told him to tip the girls.

"Fuck!"

Russ thought about leaving.  He didn't want to have to pay for drinks, and then tip the strippers.  He stood there for a moment thinking to himself, and watching the girl on stage.  Maybe he could get away with just getting one drink and then leaving.  He walked up to the packed bar, found an opening, and eventually got the bartender's attention.  He ordered his usual drink, a gin and tonic, gave the lady a ten dollar bill, and got 3 bucks back as change.

"7$?!? For this?!? Ugghh... god dammit."

He left the bartender a tip on the bar, then walked over to, and stood by the snack machine.  He watched the girls one by one as they would come up on the stage in their underwear, they'd dance for a song, pick up their money and the next girl would come up.  This would happen a few more times before Russ realized something.

"Wait a second... these girls aren't getting naked!!"

Now Russ really didn't want to stay.  He wasn't going to tip some girl not getting naked while dancing to some song.  It took him a few songs... the situation wasn't unbearable... but he finished his drink, and decided to try and make a run for it.  He set his empty glass on the bar, and walked down the hallway, as he got outside he saw the bouncer.

"Hey man, you coming out to smoke?"

Russ panicked.

"Uh yea... yea."

Note:  I'm pretty bad at coming up with lies on the spot.  What I should of said is, "I left my cigs in the car" or something, but no... not quick enough.  Example:  I was at a bar hanging out with a friend one night in KC, and some annoying drunk dude came up to us, and started talking about random shit.  He eventually introduced himself to us, and my friend, instead of saying his real name, replied saying his name was Chris.  When it was my turn to introduce myself I paused for a moment, and the only thing I could think of was Russ, so I said Russ.  What I immediately said in my head, "Doh!"  My friend just looked at me like I was an idiot.

"You can smoke over there."

Russ was pointed to the designated smoking section.  He pulled a cigarette out, and lit it up.  He stood there by himself, constantly looking at the bouncer.  Maybe he could just run away...  before Russ could make a move, one of the strippers... I mean... one of the underwear dancers came out.

"Hey sweetie, you got a light?"
"Uh yea."

Russ took out his lighter and there was an awkward moment, where the girl may have wanted Russ to light the cigarette for her, but didn't... there was a slight pause, and then the girl took the lighter.  She handed the lighter back.

"Thanks."
"Yea."
"I like your hair."
"Oh thanks..."
"You having a good time?"
"Uh... sure..."
"Oh good!"
"I actually didn't know what this place was... this is my first time here."
"Oh I like that!"

As Russ was talking some guy came out, and stood next to the girl.  The guy pulled out a cigarette and asked for a light.

"Oh I don't have one, but he does."

Russ gave the dude his lighter, and got it back a second later.

"Thanks bro."
"Yea."

The underwear dancer turned her back to Russ and started talking to the guy.

"I like your hat..."

The guy had on some stupid hipster hat.

"Thanks I just picked this up the other day, cool right?"
"Yea it's cute!  Are you having a good time tonight?"
"I am now, how about you?"

Really?  Russ went back inside and ordered another drink.  He watched a few more dances, and then the girl who used his lighter got on stage.  Every time she glanced at Russ, Russ gave her a look that he hoped said "Fuck you bitch.  I know your game, and you aren't getting a dime from me!" He probably looked like a total creep.  Russ left a short while later, getting away with only tipping one girl he found attractive.

Note:  When it comes to these types of situations... when you're in a strip club, or a "bikini bar" I think it's fair to only tip girls that you find attractive.  Maybe that's fucked up, but it's my money right?  If I'm spending my money I don't want some ugly broad dancing all up on me, no I want that to be a girl I find attractive.  Maybe this isn't the best example, but when I go out to eat I don't pay for food I don't like right?  A peanut butter sandwich isn't gonna sit on my lap, ask me if I want a bite, when I refuse it gets upset, and still wants a tip for it's time spent on my lap.  Get the fuck off me sandwich.

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Next time on "Everything's Coming Up Russes!"

Paranoia sets in... and Russ realizes just how alone he really is.