Welcome, one and all, brothers and sisters. Today we'll be taking you on a New Age journey down the metaphysical highway toward enlightenment (beware, there will be significant traffic delays due to construction). You see, we've recently become astrologers (not to be confused with that bullshit pseudo-science, astronomy) and would like to bestow upon you your weekly fortune.
For those who are unfamiliar, astrology is the science of saying that there are 12 types of people in this world, or signs. Those who share the same sign are destined to all act the same way and will even have the same types of events happen to them, simply because they were born within a particular 30-something day time span.
So let's see what type of person you are and what's going to happen to you this week!
Aries
Maybe it's because your star sign owes its namesake to the Greek god of War, but you're a quick tempered asshole. You're known every bit for your mental instability as you are for your arrogance. So sure, you wear a tinfoil hat, but at least you look damn good in it.This week: You've had a rough go of it lately in the love department, but all will be made right when you get your genitals stuck in a vending machine.
Taurus
This is an earth sign, which is fitting, because you live on Earth. Like a snowflake, of which no two are ever alike, you are a completely unique, one-of-a-kind personality that could not possibly be duplicated in anyone else... just like all the other Tauruses.
Also, Hitler was a Taurus, so remember you're pretty much exactly like him.
This week: That dream you keep having? The one where you shame eat Fancy Feast cat food while binge-watching old reruns of Roseanne? That's not a dream. That's a late night wake up call that you need to get your shit together.
Gemini
According to the wisdom of the ancients, Gemini is the Astrological Equivalent of ADHD. You're an air sign, flighty and whimsical, and will most likely wind up getting hit by a bus.
This week: Fortunately, you won't get hit by a bus. You will, however, get hit with a wicked case of IBS in the middle of sexual intercourse with an Ethiopian sous chef. Ironically, it won't be because of his disgusting cooking, but rather from the parasite you picked up at Jim's Burger Shack last week. Shame on you.
Cancer
You are the Astrological equivalent of a wall. You're there, and you serve some menial purpose, but no one ever notices you because you're mostly unimportant and easily replaceable. Sure, you exist, but at a certain point you have to ask yourself... IS there a point?
This week: You will realize that life is meaningless and in one last act of honor, you will commit the ancient Japanese suicide ritual that is Seppuku.
Leo
You have 8 legs and powerful mandibles, and periodically molt your exoskeleton. You prey on lesser insects and primarily are found in warm or moist climates.
This week: You will scuttle back and forth mindlessly hunting for prey, fail, and then eat the egg sacs of your young.
Virgo:
You're a filthy drunk. Sorry you had to hear it from us, but hey, someone had to say it. You do have other good qualities, like good aim in the toilet and heating up a wicked pot of Ragu, but it's often overshadowed by your raging alcoholism.
This week: According to the stars, your alcoholism will destroy a close relationship with a loved one. You really should have picked a better astrological sign.
Pro: You can blame your alcoholism on being a Virgo.
Con: You're a Virgo, so you'll pretty much always be an alcoholic.
Libra:
You're always focused on your relationships with others. Some may believe you're a good, thoughtful friend, but deep down you're an angry gossip queen who wishes everyone harm. Take pride in that. Wear it like a badge of venomous honor.This week: Mr. Abernathy across the street will finally get caught with that bimbo mistress of his during lunch hour, so have your video camera and cell phone at the ready for the fallout. Also, your bitch Aunt Trudy will finally get her comeuppance for stealing your grandfather's inheritance by falling down a flight of stairs. Unfortunately, the nursing home is not properly insured and you won't see a dime from her death either.
I know, it's eerie how we know all this, isn't it? That's the magic of astrology.
Scorpio:
You are kind hearted. Soft spoken. Gentle. You would never do anything to hurt another living soul.
This week: You will rip the still beating heart from a man's chest and consume it in front of his children to assert your dominance in the workplace.
(As a Scorpio, Bryan is looking forward to tasting the blood of his foes this week)
Sagittarius:
You are an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, surrounded by mystery, smothered in green chili and roasted to light perfection.
This week: You're going to get a job. Meet a nice man. Settle down. Get married. Shit out a few kids. Send them off to college. Get divorced. Move quietly to Florida. Retire. And then die cold and alone in a third-rate nursing home.
Capricorn:
You're the kind of person who enjoys farting in a crowded elevator and then giggling quietly as 20 poor, trapped passengers inhale yesterday's triple-decker chili-cheese burrito. You sick bastard.
This week: You and your significant other are going to finally get that fancy abortion you've had your eyes on.
Aquarius:
You're a joker. You're a smoker. You're a midnight toker. Some people call you Maurice. Some people call you the space cowboy. Others call you the gangster of love. But your mother? She still won't call you, not after what you did to her begonias.
This week: You're going to get into a violent police shootout and go out in a blaze of glory. Headcount: 132. Not bad, rookie!
Pisces:
This Week: This will happen.
...No one's really sure why.
So there you have it, you know what's going to happen to you this week. Do try to act surprised when these events unfold, will you? The universe always appreciates it when you act like you didn't know what was coming to you.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan
Beer: Lagunitas SUCKS
Music: Roosevelt
