I know it’s been a long time since I last posted.  I have been overwhelmed with people asking why it has been so long.  Well, one person asked today.  The truth is I have been in hiding.  You see I overplayed my hand on this May 21 rapture thing.  I was SO SO sure that this was really going to be it that I decided – Why live my last few days by the rules?  I went for it and now, in a world that is shockingly still alive even after I was assured by real normal and solid people that it would not be here after May 21, I may have overstepped a bit.  Sure I did the cliche things you would expect in anticipation of the rapture – Maxed out all my credit cards and somehow gained 45 pounds in 3 days – but I also made a few people and companies angry along the way.  Who knew I would have to answer to them?  The world was supposed to end dag nabbit!  So in order to begin to mend fences (literally in some cases, I got a little wild) and to hopefully be able to come out of hiding one day I offer up some apologies:

• To my kids’ school administration and staff – I will be in after my exile to write 500 times that I will not shout that naughty word at you.
• To the good folks at The Wienerschnitzel – I will gladly spend some time washing dishes at your restaurant to make up for multiple offenses of redeeming more than one coupon per customer per visit.
• To the management of Curves Fitness Centers – I intend to adhere to the restraining order.
• Twitter – Well, I doubt you even noticed what I did what with that congressman and all.
• Red Lobster – No need to change the name of your promotion to “All you should eat shrimp.”  I won’t repeat my 24 hour shrimpathon.
• To the Talent Agent (You know who you are) – Really, um er, I was just trying to show you I could do some butt-double work in Hollywood.
• To the staff at San Diego Ferrari – Would you believe I lost track of time and didn’t realize my test-drive had lasted 18 days?
• And to all the folks I screamed at and vowed to eat your hats, shorts, shoes, dirty socks and undies if I was wrong – Uhhhhhhh, just kidding?

I have definitely learned my lesson on this one.  I will not be buying into any more end-of-the-world promises.  At least not until the next one.  Again, sorry for my absence but surely now you can understand why I have been away.

OK, I was actually in Hawaii for 2 1/2 weeks but isn’t it annoying when people brag online about their vacations?