Sarah and I had a conversation the other day around that went something like this:
We had actually been sitting up, watching the episodes from the last season of Avatar, the Last Airbender, when I somehow came up with the idea that giant lizard-beast = respect. I repeated this idea to Sarah several times, each time slightly more incoherently, before passing out, giggling sleepily to myself. When I woke up the next morning, though, I was still convinced that this was, indeed, the case; if you want the respect of your peers, you must acquire a giant lizard-beast ASAP. However, gaining a lizard-beast in and of itself is not enough. And so, I have helpfully put together instructions to guide your through the training and operation of your giant lizard-beast.
1. You cannot gain the respect of your peers without first earning the Lizard’s respect.
Having the Lizard is not enough! You must first prove to him that you are a worthy master. If your Lizard senses that you are weak, he will not listen to your commands. His derision will bring shame upon your family. He may eat you. This is not what you want. In order to gain his respect, you will have to impress him with your skills as a warrior. A good way to do this is by challenging a rival to a fight to the death, and defeating them. It is very important that your opponent is an equal; otherwise your Lizard will be disgusted by your cowardice and lack of faith in your abilities. After you have defeated your foe, you’ll probably have gained your Lizard’s respect, but you may want to devour the carcass of your fallen enemy, just to remind your Lizard that you are not only capable of destroying an adversary, but are wise enough to then add their strength to your own.
You will definitely have earned his respect, then.
2. Use your lizard-beast only for appropriate occasions.
Sure, once you’ve gained his respect and he starts allowing you to actually ride him places, you’ll want to take your Lizard everywhere, right? Well, don’t. Not every event is suitable for the usage of a lizard-beast. For example, occasions where he’ll get in the way of others; crowded places such as amusement parks, inside public buildings, backstage at local theater productions. Keep in mind: a giant lizard-beast is a very showy form of transportation. Before using him, ask yourself; is this event about me? Will I be stealing someone else’s moment by arriving astride a giant lizard-beast?
| "You should have chosen me, Helen!" |
Meditating on these questions should help you understand the best times and occasions to use your Lizard.
3. Be considerate of your Lizard’s needs.
Your lizard-beast is not a slave to your every whim. If he chooses to carry you where you wish to go, it is only because of his respect and, in time, affection for you. If you do not bother to nurture a loving relationship with your Lizard, you will find in time that he will stop responding to your commands, and will eventually move on to a new home. For the purposes of this guide, I’ll assume that you want your Lizard to stick around, and the only way for that to happen is if you make it clear how much you care for him. There are many good ways to show affection for your giant lizard-beast. For example, make a point of making his favorite dinner every so often, and make sure that he always has fresh, clean blankets on his bed. Remember, lizards are cold blooded, and need an outside heat source in order to stay warm, so it is necessary to make certain that their beds are warm and cuddly, and it wouldn’t hurt to snuggle with your Lizard now and then; little things like this will make your giant lizard-beast feel safe and loved, which in turn will strengthen your bond.
4. Impress the World with Your Awesomeness!
If you’ve made it this far; congratulations! You have successfully earned your giant lizard-beast’s respect, learned the appropriate ways to utilize his transporting abilities, and cultivated a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with him, the likes of which you will never find with another human being. Now it is finally time to shove it in everyone’s faces. They didn’t believe in you. They never thought that you could train a giant lizard-beast to do your bidding! Well, look who’s laughing, now! Feel free to laugh maniacally as your acquaintances look on in envy and confusion when you come hurdling down the street astride your Lizard. Imagine the sweet taste of victory as you watch your clearly-inferior neighbors suffer from brainsplosions and spontaneous human combustion as their tiny minds struggle to comprehend your fantastic-ness. Imagine how attractive to the opposite sex you will now appear! Imagine the RESPECT!
IMAGINE THE POWER!
