(Kendra enters in business attire. She addresses the audience.)
KENDRA
Hello, and welcome to your first day at Incorpoco. My name is Kendra, and I’m here to assist you in becoming better acquainted with the ins and outs, as well as the dos and don’ts of corporate America. A new career can be fun and exciting, but it can also be frightening, difficult, and even fatal. I’m here to guide you through the proverbial minefield that is the modern workplace, in a series of lessons we call Workplace Appropriateness, or Workplace Ap-Pro-Pryatee-ness for the pronunciation challenged. I’ll be Mother Teresa, and you’ll be the lepers, and when we’ve finished, you will be cured and ready to join the work force, and I will most assuredly be canonized. But let’s not put the cart in front of the horse, so to speak. There’s nothing worse than over-thinking expectations, aside from disgruntled livestock. Let’s begin first by reflecting on how you have come to be hired by this company. Reflect on the big job interview, and those highly important first impressions. Remember, remember, remember…
(She gestures stage-right. A table and two chairs are set up. Amos and Butch enter.)
BUTCH
Come on in, Amos, don’t be shy. So, this is Conference Room C-22. What do you think?
AMOS
It’s nice, is it a special room or something?
BUTCH
Special in the sense that it was the only room available. Why, did you want something better, flashier, something on level D or E, perhaps?
AMOS
No, no, C is fine.
BUTCH
Fantastic! I’m so glad we’re able to accommodate you.
AMOS
No, no, I didn’t mean-
BUTCH
Relax, Amos, I’m just funnin’ ya! We like to fun around here, especially with the subordinates. You seem a little nervous. Butterflies in the stomach?
AMOS
Moths, actually. I accidentally swallowed a desk lamp.
BUTCH
Well, relax, there’s nothing worry about. Have a seat.
(Amos begins to sit in the stage-left chair.)
BUTCH
Not there! The other chair, please.
AMOS
Sorry about that.
BUTCH
It’s no problemo. That’s Spanish for problem, which it is not. Did you need anything? Coffee? Tea? Espresso? Water? Juice? Soda? Energy drink?
AMOS
No thank you, I’m not thirsty.
BUTCH
Didn’t ask that, did I? TMI, if you know what I mean. But let’s press on. Amos, you have a very impressive resume. Quite the storied work history. Assistant Manager of Video Hut Videos, interning at the Us Weekly for kids magazine Wee Us Weekly, Wolf-Man Puncher-Outer for the CIA, it’s all very extraordinary, and most likely true.
AMOS
Thanks, I’m flattered. Why most likely?
BUTCH
Well, I’ve perused your records here, and I can hardly refute these numbers. Numbers don’t lie, do they Amos?
AMOS
No, they can’t. It’s mathematically impossible, I believe.
BUTCH
Oh really? Then why is it that I have trouble believing these numbers? These numbers are the deceptive exception to the truthful rule that numbers do not lie. If these numbers had faces they’d be bald! They lie that baldly!
AMOS
Now hang on a tic, there. These are fully bearded numbers, if I say so myself. These are honest, God-fearing, Middle American numbers.
BUTCH
Please, this 8 looks like two 3’s doing the Shasta McNasty, and this 10 is clearly a collapsed 4 with a 0 hastily drawn next to it in mechanical pencil.
AMOS
So I fudged some numbers. Who doesn’t like fudge? No harm done. Besides, I’m popular, not unlike fudge, and numbers can’t truly convey popularity. Just ask fudge.
BUTCH
Yes, you’re very popular. I contacted everyone on your reference list and each had glowing accolades. They claim you could sell a snow cone to an Eskimo, that you could sell water to a drowning man, Amos can sell Kibbles ‘N Bits to a cat, you could sell Mother’s Day cards to an orphan, and that you could sell farts to a gassy, fat man.
AMOS
And I stand by each and every one of those testimonials. They warm my heart, they truly do.
BUTCH
That’s fantastic Amos; however, need I remind you that not once in your storied work history did you work as a salesman? Not to mention gassy, fat men will buy anything?
AMOS
I take umbrage to that, you cannot fault a man honest positive feedback, no matter how little it applies to him. A second time, I take umbrage.
BUTCH
Honest feedback? Your references are listed as, respectively: John Q. Public, Ima Pseudonym, Faker O’Notarealperson, and Launchpad McQuack. And they all have the same phone number, which makes me especially suspicious. Still, I suppose it’s my responsibility as Head Interrogator to give you the benefit of the doubt. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?
AMOS
Biggest strengths would be that I’m a people person, a team player and I work well with others. Also, I’m a self-starter, like a haunted car, and I have a strong right profile. Biggest weaknesses would be over-perfectionism, workaholism, and my three major fears. Failure, obviously. Public speaking. And bees.
BUTCH
Bees, you say?
AMOS
Yeah, that’s how Macaulay Culkin died!
BUTCH
Fair enough. Where do you see yourself in five years?
AMOS
My ten-year plan is to take over this company and turn it into a fascist dictatorship. So in five years, most likely your job.
BUTCH
Uh-huh. And do you see yourself attaining my position through the same questionable means you have used to attain your other positions?
AMOS
Are you insinuating what I’m insinuating you’re insinuating?
BUTCH
Amos, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon or a dental hygienist to confirm just exactly what I’m insinuating. That your pants would be on fire were you wearing any.
AMOS
I am wearing pants.
BUTCH
Touché.
AMOS
You know what I think? I think you’re threatened by me, that I’m going to come in here and take over your turf like a tap-dancing hoodlum, and you’ll be eating my syncopated dust.
BUTCH
Threatened, am I? Eating dust, even? I’ll show you!
(Amos and Butch begin to fight. Amy, the big boss, enters.)
AMY
Gentlemen, question mark! What is the meaning of this gratuitous gratuity?
BUTCH
Just the standard interview process, Madame CEO.
AMY
Tussling? In your neckties? You know how I disapprove of that.
BUTCH
Many apologies, Madame CEO. I was just interviewing young Amos here, and I let my emotions cloud my judgment.
AMY
Let your emotions cloud your judgment? You know how I feel about clouds! What position is he applying for?
BUTCH
Interoffice Intercostal Administrative Processing Associate Three, Madame CEO.
(Amy flips through his file.)
AMY
Hmm. HMM. Hmm. Interesting. Amos, welcome aboard.
AMOS
Thank you, Madame CEO.
AMY
Don’t mention it. And the next time you talk to Ima Pseudonym, tell her Amy CEO says go fuck herself. But in a sarcastic voice, so she’s knows you’re kidding.
(Amy exits.)
BUTCH
All right, Amos, you win this round. But I’ll make sure your life here is a living hell, get me? A living hell! Now, report to Security to get your badge and here’s a coupon for free lunch today. You better get something you don’t like for lunch, because if I catch you enjoying yourself, it’ll be curtains, and I don’t mean drapes! Get me?
AMOS
Oh, I got you. Now you listen to me, and you listen good: Where is the security desk?
BUTCH
I’ll show you, but I’ll be cold-shouldering you so hard on the way there, you’ll need a parka and snowpants.
(They exit, passing Kendra.)
KENDRA
Hello, and welcome to your first day at Incorpoco. My name is Kendra, and I’m here to assist you in becoming better acquainted with the ins and outs, as well as the dos and don’ts of corporate America. A new career can be fun and exciting, but it can also be frightening, difficult, and even fatal. I’m here to guide you through the proverbial minefield that is the modern workplace, in a series of lessons we call Workplace Appropriateness, or Workplace Ap-Pro-Pryatee-ness for the pronunciation challenged. I’ll be Mother Teresa, and you’ll be the lepers, and when we’ve finished, you will be cured and ready to join the work force, and I will most assuredly be canonized. But let’s not put the cart in front of the horse, so to speak. There’s nothing worse than over-thinking expectations, aside from disgruntled livestock. Let’s begin first by reflecting on how you have come to be hired by this company. Reflect on the big job interview, and those highly important first impressions. Remember, remember, remember…
(She gestures stage-right. A table and two chairs are set up. Amos and Butch enter.)
BUTCH
Come on in, Amos, don’t be shy. So, this is Conference Room C-22. What do you think?
AMOS
It’s nice, is it a special room or something?
BUTCH
Special in the sense that it was the only room available. Why, did you want something better, flashier, something on level D or E, perhaps?
AMOS
No, no, C is fine.
BUTCH
Fantastic! I’m so glad we’re able to accommodate you.
AMOS
No, no, I didn’t mean-
BUTCH
Relax, Amos, I’m just funnin’ ya! We like to fun around here, especially with the subordinates. You seem a little nervous. Butterflies in the stomach?
AMOS
Moths, actually. I accidentally swallowed a desk lamp.
BUTCH
Well, relax, there’s nothing worry about. Have a seat.
(Amos begins to sit in the stage-left chair.)
BUTCH
Not there! The other chair, please.
AMOS
Sorry about that.
BUTCH
It’s no problemo. That’s Spanish for problem, which it is not. Did you need anything? Coffee? Tea? Espresso? Water? Juice? Soda? Energy drink?
AMOS
No thank you, I’m not thirsty.
BUTCH
Didn’t ask that, did I? TMI, if you know what I mean. But let’s press on. Amos, you have a very impressive resume. Quite the storied work history. Assistant Manager of Video Hut Videos, interning at the Us Weekly for kids magazine Wee Us Weekly, Wolf-Man Puncher-Outer for the CIA, it’s all very extraordinary, and most likely true.
AMOS
Thanks, I’m flattered. Why most likely?
BUTCH
Well, I’ve perused your records here, and I can hardly refute these numbers. Numbers don’t lie, do they Amos?
AMOS
No, they can’t. It’s mathematically impossible, I believe.
BUTCH
Oh really? Then why is it that I have trouble believing these numbers? These numbers are the deceptive exception to the truthful rule that numbers do not lie. If these numbers had faces they’d be bald! They lie that baldly!
AMOS
Now hang on a tic, there. These are fully bearded numbers, if I say so myself. These are honest, God-fearing, Middle American numbers.
BUTCH
Please, this 8 looks like two 3’s doing the Shasta McNasty, and this 10 is clearly a collapsed 4 with a 0 hastily drawn next to it in mechanical pencil.
AMOS
So I fudged some numbers. Who doesn’t like fudge? No harm done. Besides, I’m popular, not unlike fudge, and numbers can’t truly convey popularity. Just ask fudge.
BUTCH
Yes, you’re very popular. I contacted everyone on your reference list and each had glowing accolades. They claim you could sell a snow cone to an Eskimo, that you could sell water to a drowning man, Amos can sell Kibbles ‘N Bits to a cat, you could sell Mother’s Day cards to an orphan, and that you could sell farts to a gassy, fat man.
AMOS
And I stand by each and every one of those testimonials. They warm my heart, they truly do.
BUTCH
That’s fantastic Amos; however, need I remind you that not once in your storied work history did you work as a salesman? Not to mention gassy, fat men will buy anything?
AMOS
I take umbrage to that, you cannot fault a man honest positive feedback, no matter how little it applies to him. A second time, I take umbrage.
BUTCH
Honest feedback? Your references are listed as, respectively: John Q. Public, Ima Pseudonym, Faker O’Notarealperson, and Launchpad McQuack. And they all have the same phone number, which makes me especially suspicious. Still, I suppose it’s my responsibility as Head Interrogator to give you the benefit of the doubt. What are your biggest strengths and weaknesses?
AMOS
Biggest strengths would be that I’m a people person, a team player and I work well with others. Also, I’m a self-starter, like a haunted car, and I have a strong right profile. Biggest weaknesses would be over-perfectionism, workaholism, and my three major fears. Failure, obviously. Public speaking. And bees.
BUTCH
Bees, you say?
AMOS
Yeah, that’s how Macaulay Culkin died!
BUTCH
Fair enough. Where do you see yourself in five years?
AMOS
My ten-year plan is to take over this company and turn it into a fascist dictatorship. So in five years, most likely your job.
BUTCH
Uh-huh. And do you see yourself attaining my position through the same questionable means you have used to attain your other positions?
AMOS
Are you insinuating what I’m insinuating you’re insinuating?
BUTCH
Amos, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist or a brain surgeon or a dental hygienist to confirm just exactly what I’m insinuating. That your pants would be on fire were you wearing any.
AMOS
I am wearing pants.
BUTCH
Touché.
AMOS
You know what I think? I think you’re threatened by me, that I’m going to come in here and take over your turf like a tap-dancing hoodlum, and you’ll be eating my syncopated dust.
BUTCH
Threatened, am I? Eating dust, even? I’ll show you!
(Amos and Butch begin to fight. Amy, the big boss, enters.)
AMY
Gentlemen, question mark! What is the meaning of this gratuitous gratuity?
BUTCH
Just the standard interview process, Madame CEO.
AMY
Tussling? In your neckties? You know how I disapprove of that.
BUTCH
Many apologies, Madame CEO. I was just interviewing young Amos here, and I let my emotions cloud my judgment.
AMY
Let your emotions cloud your judgment? You know how I feel about clouds! What position is he applying for?
BUTCH
Interoffice Intercostal Administrative Processing Associate Three, Madame CEO.
(Amy flips through his file.)
AMY
Hmm. HMM. Hmm. Interesting. Amos, welcome aboard.
AMOS
Thank you, Madame CEO.
AMY
Don’t mention it. And the next time you talk to Ima Pseudonym, tell her Amy CEO says go fuck herself. But in a sarcastic voice, so she’s knows you’re kidding.
(Amy exits.)
BUTCH
All right, Amos, you win this round. But I’ll make sure your life here is a living hell, get me? A living hell! Now, report to Security to get your badge and here’s a coupon for free lunch today. You better get something you don’t like for lunch, because if I catch you enjoying yourself, it’ll be curtains, and I don’t mean drapes! Get me?
AMOS
Oh, I got you. Now you listen to me, and you listen good: Where is the security desk?
BUTCH
I’ll show you, but I’ll be cold-shouldering you so hard on the way there, you’ll need a parka and snowpants.
(They exit, passing Kendra.)
