(Kendra exits, Mary and Gary cross to center.)
MARY
Thanks, Kendra. Hiya! We’re Mary and Gary, the Safetyness Twins!
GARY
And we’re here to discuss Knife Safetyness.
MARY
That’s right. Not everyone has to use a knife in their workday routine, but absolutely everyone everywhere uses a knife at some point in their personal lives. Maybe you’re a chef, or a surgeon, or a Crocodile Dundee enthusiast. Whatever the reason, be prepared to lose all your fingers and most of your toes!
GARY
She’s kidding of course, but it is important to familiarize yourself with how to handle a knife, or perhaps more importantly, how not to handle a knife. But not really, the more important lesson is how to handle a knife.
MARY
So we’ve compiled a list of the 8 Simple Rules of Knife Safetyness so you can avoid having any accidents whatsoever. Guaranteed!
GARY
Rule Number One: Before using your knife, be sure to lay down newspaper all over the room and any adjoining rooms, to collect all the blood that’s sure to spurt everywhere. If you are a canary or hamster, you’ll most likely prefer this newspaper shredded first, and will not own a knife.
MARY
Rule Number Two: Knives are a lot like teeth. They're sharp, they cut through meat and vegetables, and they can really impress first dates and job interviews. One rumor had it that Bowie knives were actually made from the teeth of popular musician David Bowie. This is highly unlikely, but has yet to be disproven.
GARY
Rule Number Three: To help you become familiar and comfortable with your new knife, give it a nickname, such as Stabby or Jeff, or Stabby Jeff.
MARY
Rule Number Four: Never operate a knife if you've been taking medication. Unlike a gun, knives can cause serious side effects such as blood loss, loss of appetite, loss of limbs, loss of hair, loss of life, drowsiness, headaches, and in some cases, cuts.
GARY
Rule Number Five: Even though as you become more familiar with your knife you will grow fond of it, do not kiss it. You don’t know where it’s been, and it will NOT reciprocate.
MARY
Rule Number Six: Remember the Alamo.
GARY
Rule Number Seven: Your knife should be like an extension of yourself. Hold it like you would your firstborn child, between your forefinger and thumb.
MARY
And finally, Rule Number Eight: When you’ve finally finished using your knife, be sure to clean it thoroughly around the hilt and behind the ears, place gently in its sheath, stuff it in the back of your desk drawer, place the desk in the cellar, lock the cellar and move exactly two counties away. If your children are still able to access and injure themselves with the knife, blame Korean cinema.
GARY
And there you have it! Remember, working with a knife is fun and easy, but it’s also dangerous, difficult and no fun at all.
MARY
The most important thing is to have fun!
GARY
And to apply pressure to any and all wounds. Thank you!
MARY
Thanks, Kendra. Hiya! We’re Mary and Gary, the Safetyness Twins!
GARY
And we’re here to discuss Knife Safetyness.
MARY
That’s right. Not everyone has to use a knife in their workday routine, but absolutely everyone everywhere uses a knife at some point in their personal lives. Maybe you’re a chef, or a surgeon, or a Crocodile Dundee enthusiast. Whatever the reason, be prepared to lose all your fingers and most of your toes!
GARY
She’s kidding of course, but it is important to familiarize yourself with how to handle a knife, or perhaps more importantly, how not to handle a knife. But not really, the more important lesson is how to handle a knife.
MARY
So we’ve compiled a list of the 8 Simple Rules of Knife Safetyness so you can avoid having any accidents whatsoever. Guaranteed!
GARY
Rule Number One: Before using your knife, be sure to lay down newspaper all over the room and any adjoining rooms, to collect all the blood that’s sure to spurt everywhere. If you are a canary or hamster, you’ll most likely prefer this newspaper shredded first, and will not own a knife.
MARY
Rule Number Two: Knives are a lot like teeth. They're sharp, they cut through meat and vegetables, and they can really impress first dates and job interviews. One rumor had it that Bowie knives were actually made from the teeth of popular musician David Bowie. This is highly unlikely, but has yet to be disproven.
GARY
Rule Number Three: To help you become familiar and comfortable with your new knife, give it a nickname, such as Stabby or Jeff, or Stabby Jeff.
MARY
Rule Number Four: Never operate a knife if you've been taking medication. Unlike a gun, knives can cause serious side effects such as blood loss, loss of appetite, loss of limbs, loss of hair, loss of life, drowsiness, headaches, and in some cases, cuts.
GARY
Rule Number Five: Even though as you become more familiar with your knife you will grow fond of it, do not kiss it. You don’t know where it’s been, and it will NOT reciprocate.
MARY
Rule Number Six: Remember the Alamo.
GARY
Rule Number Seven: Your knife should be like an extension of yourself. Hold it like you would your firstborn child, between your forefinger and thumb.
MARY
And finally, Rule Number Eight: When you’ve finally finished using your knife, be sure to clean it thoroughly around the hilt and behind the ears, place gently in its sheath, stuff it in the back of your desk drawer, place the desk in the cellar, lock the cellar and move exactly two counties away. If your children are still able to access and injure themselves with the knife, blame Korean cinema.
GARY
And there you have it! Remember, working with a knife is fun and easy, but it’s also dangerous, difficult and no fun at all.
MARY
The most important thing is to have fun!
GARY
And to apply pressure to any and all wounds. Thank you!
