ABRAHAM PLEADS FOR SODOMY

God came to Abraham and said, “I have heard the people of Sodomy and Gonorrhea are wicked, evil, icky people.”
“What do you mean, Lord? What have you heard?”
“Bad things, Abe. They fornicate with the woman in the superior position. Women take men’s schwanstuckahs in their mouth, and suck on them until the man spills his seed. Sometimes men do that with other men.”

Abraham turned away so that God would not notice his erection.
“Ooh, these are naughty people, Lord. What are you going to do?”
“Wait,” said the Lord. “I’m not finished. These people watch pornographic images on cable. Sometimes they rub themselves while they are watching these images until they spill their seed. Women are sticking objects that look like penises into their gynies and moving them in and out.”

Abraham was on the verge of coming. He had not been this excited in decades.
“Stop, Lord-that’s enough. I don’t think I can listen to any more of these disgusting, perverse practices.”
“Wait, wait…I still have more I want to tell you about,” said God, seeming more animated and enthusiastic than was usual for him.
“No, please,” pleaded Abraham, fearing that if he heard one more detail, he would not be able to contain himself.
“Really, I get the picture. But tell me Lord, what do you have in mind to do to these evildoers?”

“I have no choice, Abe. They must all be destroyed, before they spread these evil ideas all over the region through flyers and websites. I haven’t decided yet how I want to kill them. I have so many tricks in my bag. I won’t use a flood this time, though fire isn’t out of the question.”
“But, God, what if there are fifty innocent people in the city? Will you destroy the entire city, and kill these innocent people as well?”
“That was the plan Abe. Do you have a problem with that? Life’s not fair, bubbelah.”

“But surely you recognize the injustice of killing the innocent along with the wicked?”
God was annoyed that he had to deal with this nonsense, but in order to get Abraham off his back he relented. “All right, if I can find fifty innocent citizens, I will spare the city.”
Abraham spoke again. “Please forgive me for being a nudnik, but what if there are only forty-three innocent people? Would you wipe out the entire populace because there were seven too few?”

God was not amused by this bantering, but figured if he agreed to this request, Abraham would shut his pie hole.
“Okay, Abraham, because I love you, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea if I can find forty-five innocent people.”
“That was forty-three, Lord, begging your pardon?”
“Forty-three, whatever! Now let’s talk about the future of your descendants.”

Abraham was just warming up, and was not to be so easily silenced. “I know you’re going to think me an annoying pest, Lord, but what if there were only thirty-seven innocent people? Could you justify killing these virtuous ones just because of the sins of the others? Surely, your mercy would not permit you to do such a thing.”
“What’s with the bargaining, Abraham? This isn’t a garage sale or the marketplace. And why are you so invested in protecting these people? What are they to you? Look, I’m a busy God. I don’t have time for this haggling. Give me your bottom line here, and let’s bring this negotiation to an end.”

God was beginning to get hot under the collar, but was trying to remember the lessons from the Anger Management class he had taken. Take a few deep breaths. Think about the consequences of blowing up. Try to find humor in the situation.

“Okay, God, here’s my best shot. What if there were only ten innocent people to be found in all of Sodomy and Gonorrhea?”
God was pretty sure he would not be able to find even ten virtuous citizens, based on the reports he had been receiving from his people on the ground.
“Okay, Abe, mein tatzkelah. Just for you I’ll do this because you’re such a good boy. If I can find ten innocent townspeople, I will spare Sodomy and Gonorrhea. There, bubbelah, are you happy now?”
Abraham wasn’t happy, because he still thought it was unfair, but he wasn’t going to push his luck, not after the circumcision ordeal. He thanked God, and went off to his tent.


THE SINFULNESS OF SODOMY

God had sent two angels down to Sodomy to do some interviews and report back to Him what the scene was like. As the angels approached Sodomy, they found Alot sitting at the city gate. He rose to meet them and extended an offer for them to come stay at his dwelling.
“That’s sweet of you to offer,” one of the angels replied, “but we are booked into a sweet little B & B here in the center of the red light district.”
“But all of Sodomy is a red light district,” replied Alot. “I don’t understand how anyone can define the boundaries of the red light district in this God forsaken town. Please, it would be an honor to feed you and put you up for the night. I wouldn’t feel right about letting two of God’s finest stay anywhere but at my place, shithole though it is.”

The angels were so flattered by Alot’s comment that they called and cancelled their reservation at the B & B, making up a white lie that one of them had come down with serious gastrointestinal problems, so as not to hurt the feelings of the owner, a nice little old grandma. who also ran a bordello in Miami.

Mrs. Alot prepared a lot of food for the angels (What, were you thinking someone named Alot would prepare anything else?) She wasn’t sure what angels ate, so she made some meat dishes, some fish, some nice antipasti, and put out some poppyseed bagels and cream cheese.
After dinner as the angels were getting ready for bed, a crowd of Sodomites surrounded the house and demanded that the two male visitors come out at once so the Sodomites could do what they liked to do best, i.e. sodomize them.

Alot, who understood on which side his bread was buttered, entreated them. “Look guys, let’s talk about this like civilized people.”
At that moment, someone in the crowd threw a tomato at Alot, striking him in the face. The crowd started to boo Alot a lot.

“Listen, I have two daughters who are both virgins. Though they are as ugly as the day is long, I’ll let you have them and you can do whatever you like with them.”
(Say what? This asshole is about to turn his virgin daughters, his own flesh and blood, over to this mob, rather than these two guys he just met an hour ago? And God is going to spare him? Give me a break!)

One of the Sodomites shouted out, “We’ve heard those two guys who are visiting you are absolute angels. It’s not very neighborly not to share them with us. Come on, how about if you send them out before we come in and cut your fuckin’ nuts off.”
Alot was terrified of the mob, but as the crowd surged toward the door, the angels pulled Alot into the house, closed the door, and struck everyone in the crowd with blindness so that they couldn’t find the door.
The moral of this story is that trying to fuck with angels could result in poor eyesight.

THE DESRUCTION OF SODOMY AND GONORRHEA

The angels of the Lord told Alot to grab his wife and daughters and their fiancés and to hightail it out of town before God rained a pyrotechnic display on the sinful towns. Alot was dillydallying and protested that he couldn’t leave just then.
“Hey, I have bowling tomorrow night, and I play poker on Friday. How about if we leave on Saturday morning? Are you guys good with that?”
Alot pinched the cheek of one of God’s messengers, saying “Hey, come on, be an angel.”
The angels were in no mood for levity or cheek pinching.

“Look, schmuck, you don’t seem to get the gravitas of the situation. If your tuchus isn’t out of here by morning, you’re going to be barbeque just like the rest of these jokers. On behalf of the Big One, we’re giving you the chance to save your hide and the hides of those nearest and dearest to you, although after witnessing what you were prepared to do with your daughters, I’m not so sure saving them is high on your list of priorities.”

“All right, I see you guys are serious about this, though I don’t see what the rush is. I mean, if God is going to destroy Sodomy and Gonorrhea, I don’t see where a couple of days one way or the other is going to make a difference. Seems a little rigid, if you want my honest opinion.”

The head angel’s temper was rapidly wearing thin. “I don’t remember asking for your opinion, bub. Now get your butt in gear if you don’t want to be toast. Head for those hills out there and don’t look back.”
Alot started to whine. “But those hills are so far away. I can’t walk that far. I’ll have blisters all over the bottoms of my feet. These new sandals are really uncomfortable. How about if I make it to that kosher deli a little ways out?”

The angels just wanted to be on their way, and not have to listen to any more of Alot’s whining, so they agreed to his request. As they were leaving town, which God had already started to smite with fire and brimstone (You don’t ever want to get hit in the head with a brimstone; a brimstone will give you one hellacious headache,) Lot’s wife suddenly thought that she might have left some knitting behind, and turned back towards Sodomy. In that moment she was turned into a pillar of salt.

(How fickle is this God? The townspeople he destroys with fire, but the wife of Alot he turns into a salt lick? Where’s the logic here? What’s a human to do? You just don’t know when this God is going to wreak vengeance upon you, or what form the vengeance is going to take. Why not turn all the inhabitants of Sodomy and Gonorrhea into salt pillars? Would that not have sufficed? Was total cremation really necessary? And what about poor Alot? Think of how he’s set up to be the butt of cruel jokes when friends ask where his wife is, and he has to tell them that she turned into a pillar of salt. This poor schnook has lost all credibility. God could have wiped her out with breast cancer, or a brain tumor, something that would have been believable and wouldn’t have elicited derision and crude jokes in the tavern among the acquaintances of the couple.)