By Simba The Comic King
Once in a while historians find a way of covering up details that would make you think twice about your favorite historical figures, after all the reason why you adore them is cause they are seemingly perfect but we’re sorry to burst your bubble, they did fart, just like you or me and that’s not all. They did worse things, like take a leak, those normal human things we wouldn’t expect of god-like figures but it just doesn’t end there...
Once in a while historians find a way of covering up details that would make you think twice about your favorite historical figures, after all the reason why you adore them is cause they are seemingly perfect but we’re sorry to burst your bubble, they did fart, just like you or me and that’s not all. They did worse things, like take a leak, those normal human things we wouldn’t expect of god-like figures but it just doesn’t end there...
A Nonviolent Minister With A Handgun
Martin Luther King Jr was the kinda fellow who lived on Jesus principles, . On that-if-you-slapped-on-the-cheek-let-the-man-kick-thy-a**-as-well-then-turn-water-into-JC-Le-Roux tip. Never mind my Bible knowledge that’s not really the point of all of this. He was a firm believer in the mystical power of nonviolence. At least that’s what all the cheesy movies of him tell us, here’s what you didn’t know: Due to the many death threats he was getting in the racially tense year of 1956, Martin Luther King applied for gun permit in Alabama and was turned down cause no one was about to let a preacher replace a Bible with a firearm. It honestly had nothing to do with the color of his skin, I swear. Slightly contrary to his beliefs, he believed in the United States of America’s Second Amendment which outlines the citizens’ right to bear arms.
| "I have a dream....that I'll shoot your a** if you call me nigga one more time!" |
Mahatma Gandhi Used To Sleep With Young Girls
Most you know Gandhi as the lawyer who eventually turned to a lesser evil profession like leading an independence movement in a British ruled India. As per indian tradition, Gandhi was married at an age where most boy have only just figured out how to masturbate, the tender age of 13. When he was 38 years old Gandhi took a vow of brahmacharya. That’s indianese for chastity. He began experiments in which he would have boys and girls sleep together but without doing the nasty. He also forbade husbands to indulge with their wives and if they ever got a boner all they needed to do, according to Gandhi, is take a shower, did someone say Opa Jacob Zuma Style? However in an apparent bid to contradict his own beliefs, Gandhi would sleep with young girls, naked, to test his own almighty chastistical abilities.
| "You see?....taking a shower cures a lot of things." And now for our commercial break... 'We know you don't like ads but f**k you, unless you want to adopt starving African comedians, we have bills to pay too, tickets available here. Payment via EcoCash on +263 779 822 504.' |
George Washington Was Toothless
The man who broke America’s presidential virginity is often depicted as being perfect and you would think he had the perfect shiny white teeth a president needs to have to distract the masses from the speech. Guess again. From the time he was twenty Washington suffered from all sort of dental problems in fact by the time he was president on the 30th of April 1789 he had a single tooth, a premolar poking out from his gums. This was of course a result of s**tty dental practice that went on in those days as well as bad genes.
| "Maybe if I keep my mouth shut tightly no one will notice," |
Steve Jobs Was A Bit Of A Jerk
Apple’s late CEO is known worldwide as the god of godly geniuses but within the domains of his evil Apple lair he had one of the meanest temper streaks ever. Maybe he was always mad cause someone had taken a bite from his f**king Apple. To this day the only plausible suspect is Eve. Walter Isaacson, Jobs’ biographer speaks of the “Good Steve” and the “Bad Steve.” He wasn’t shy of using f**k f**kety f**ks either. Jobs would fire people without notice and at one time fired the head of the team who engineered MobileMe, in a not so private meeting right in front of his pals.
| "Be a jerk to your employees different too." |
Terrorist Who Became A Saint
If ever there was someone who got a complete media overhaul, that man has to be Nelson Mandela, we all know him as a saint, the man who brought about peace in an Apartheid South Africa. Before he was Peace’s poster child and taking long walks to a place called Freedom, Mandela was a terrorist. Head of UmKhonto we Sizwe (MK), the armed wing of South Africa’s ruling party since the end of apartheid, African National Congress. The party was responsible for the deaths of many civilians. During Mandela’s trial he would plead guilty to 156 acts of public violence and most of them involved bombs, why? Cause bombs are the bomb.
| "After I blow s**t up I'm taking a very long walk to that place." |
Einstein Had An Illegitimate Child
Old man Stein, famous for his crazy hairdo that’s never been popular in any era followed by his scientific achievements is the last person you’d think had an illegitimate child unless it was in an attempt to come up with a new formula. How do we know all this? From love letters written by Einstein himself. These were letters between Einstein and Mileva Marić, his first wife. The letters were discovered in 1987 and we can only assume Einstein is kicking himself for not inventing SnapChat or WhatsApp back then. Marić gave birth on January 27, 1902 and she was christened, Lieserl Maric Einstein. Due to the fact that Einstein hadn’t taken Beyonce’s advice and put a ring on it, their child was declared illegitimate.
| "I hope my daughter inherits my brilliant IQ and not my hair." |
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