First, I have to apologize for the delay in getting this review out; I would have posted this last week, but I was busy looking for a killer-for-hire to take out the movie’s writers. Searching the deep web for sharpshooters is a pain. Especially when all I had to offer was $3.75 and a pack of gum.

But let’s get down to it. For those of you who don’t know, the movie is based out of a Danish game from the early 2000s, called ‘Hitman‘. The game’s storyline revolves around Agent 47, a cloned super-assassin for hire who has superhuman abilities and a flawless record of kills. It was a pretty nifty game, and adapting it into the big screen was inevitable.

All things said, the movie was a decent attempt at bringing the Hitman mythos to life – It had to expand the plot from the video game source, include some drama, some tension, and generally apply liberal assault on logic and sensibilities to shoehorn action sequences wherever possible. When it comes to leave-your-brain-behind type of movies, I’m quite happy for them to shoehorn in action sequences.

Amidst the shoehorned action scenes, we have a few good moments of fun, and a few twists, which, while nonsensical, fit in well with the movie’s overall tone. Overall, the movie could have been done better, but I still rate rate it good enough for a lazy afternoon watch.

But that’s enough talk about the 2007 movie, ‘Hitman’, the one starring Timothy Olyphant. It was never a great movie, but compared to the new 2015 reboot, it was downright genius.

The 2015 reboot is titled “Hitman: Agent 47“. It focuses once again, on the insanely skilled nameless super-duper-assassin who goes by the number ’47’. He’s the 47th version created by the ‘Agent program’, which is the super-assassin cloning factory, so to speak, and he works for the International Contract Agency (ICA), because all the super-duper-ness doesn’t make the agents good at naming things.

We’re introduced to the female protagonist, Katie, who is searching for a mysterious chap from the past, while apparently living in acute paranoia against people who are hunting for her.

Fifteen minutes in, the movie became self-aware. It realized how crappy a movie it was and decided to imitate a better one. So, for a brief while, the movie turned into The Terminator; Emotionless killing machine 47 is apparently out to kill the apparently hapless girl, Katie, but the apparent good guy, John Smith, apparently tries to save her from the T800… I mean 47.

Being the keen eyed reader you are, I’m sure you noticed all the ‘apparently’s I’ve thrown up there in the last paragraph, right? Come on. I know you did. Give yourself a cookie.

Warning: The following contains plot spoilers for the insanely dumb. So read at your own peril.

So yes, it turns out none of that is true. 47 is NOT out to kill the girl. The chap the girl is looking for is her father, who was the scientist who created the Agent program. The girl is NOT helpless; unknown to herself, she’s sort of a cloned Agent too, who has heightened senses and survival skills that’s even more insane than 47’s, and her powers work in reflex mode; John Smith is NOT the good guy; he’s an assassin whose body is genetically modified to withstand bullets, car crashes and pretty much anything the plot can throw at him, and he’s working for an evil syndicate called… Syndicate.

Past this point, the movie quits trying to imitate the Terminator movies, and quickly transforms to 1995’s Assassins. John Smith now plays Antonio Banderas’ character who really, really, really wants to show he’s a better assassin than Sylvester Stallone 47.

In short, the plot was a haphazard mess. But that’s par for the course. At least the action sequences were good enough to save the day, you may be thinking. That unbridled optimism is what I love about you, you figment of my imagination, you.

The action sequences were terrific, by video game standards, but for an actual movie made in 2015, it fell short by a wide margin. Overall, the direction felt sloppy. The feeling I got was that the director had brilliant, mindblowing stunts in mind as he rolled the camera, but just didn’t have the chops/ the budget to pull it off. I imagine every shot was wrapped up with the phrase – “Emm… close enough.”

I don’t want to berate the actor who’s playing Agent 47 in this movie. He’s a Friend, you see. In any case, there’s no acting to berate. His role involved shooting, fighting, driving, and performing impossible CGI stunts while exerting as few emotions as possible, and this, he did quite well.

Speaking of repressed emotions, John Smith is played by Zachary Quinto. In the rebooted Star Trek movies, he was amazing as the emotionless, cold and calculating fan favourite, Spock. In this movie, he masterfully destroys any doubt of his acting prowess; With casual, almost flippant ease, he confirms how he’s not ready yet to earn his actor badge.

The casting was quite interesting, I think. Personally, I feel it was done in tandem with plot development. I imagine the writers went “Let Hannah Ware be … a woman on the run… everybody’s like – hey, where is she? Where’s Ware?… Where? Yes! And then… she finds out that Rupert Friend is like, not her enemy at all; he’s like a ‘friend’! That’s gold, man!! And Zach Quinto? He’s… well… Zach Quinto’s ‘so keen to’ become the best assassin ever. High Five!”

It was disappointing, for sure. But I confess I enjoyed a few bits and pieces. If you like cars, the movie’s infested with Audis. Audis all around. Audi here, Audi there, Audi everywhere. I don’t have a problem with product placement. In case Audi’s reading this blog, I’d happily give a shout out if you send one of the latest models my way – Audi, Audi, Audi, Audi, Audi, Audi, Audi. I’ll take my car in red, please.Similar Posts:

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