I believe that I am an intelligent woman. Not exactly intellectual, though I am a big reader. But smart in a Common Sense, street savvy, wise kind of way. I am a person that you would come to if you needed advice on most topics, except perhaps finances. I am even smart when it comes to diets. I know what's good or bad for you, how many calories, fat, protein, carbohydrates, etc. you should eat on a daily basis. I would never fall for a crash diet or some new fad in weigh loss.

However, at multiple points each day all of the common sense or any intelligence I have for that matter, goes straight out the window and I become virtually dumb, deaf and blind to what I know is right and wrong about eating and the "diet" I should be trying to stick too.

I start off each day knowing how miserable I feel being fat. If I gain another ounce I am going to burst out of every pair of pants that I own. I can feel my energy levels dwindling rapidly from day to day. I can tell that I am getting lazier and lazier and things that I used to do for fun become hard work and not fun at all.

I can not understand what happens to my brain. Why I am eating a whole bag of Baked BBQ Lays as I sit here and type this. Why, I know for a fact that tomorrow on my way to work I will stop at Dunkin Donuts and get a Cappuccino Blast, which is virtually a coffee milkshake. I don't know why I stop being sensible and start being irrational.

I think instead of scientists coming up with a drug that helps people lose weight, they should just come up with a drug that is mind altering. A little stay smart pill. A pill that tells your brain you can live with out your fourth Coke today and just because you work at an Italian restaurant that doesn't mean you have to have pasta with cream sauce for lunch.

Maybe being the kitchen manager in a restaurant isn't such a great idea for a girl with such a brain deficiency. It's obvious to me that I can't control it. Even when I am some how staying "smart" and having unmarinated grilled chicken with a side of peas or a spinach salad I still get stupid and eat a tiny bite of buffalo mozzarella that has ten grams of fat in each bite or snag a hot-out of the butter and oil piece of chicken scaloppini.

At one point in my life I did manage to stay smart. I lost one hundred pounds in that smart period. I kept that weight off for probably five years. I remember how happy I was and how good I felt about myself and how I would love to feel that way again.

What got me motivated back then was a book by Susan Powters. Remember her? It was the early 90's. She had been absolutely huge and then she changed her live and lost hundreds of pounds. Soon everybody hated her because she was so freaking excited about loosing that weight that she went to extremes with work out tapes and books and segments on shows like Good Morning America. You could not turn TV the tv with out seeing her ear to ear smile smiling at you. But I do have to say that book changed my life.

A few years later I read the book again to try to get re-motivated and it did not have the same magic touch. I keep waiting for that something to get me going. The problem is I have been waiting for about five years and I am afraid that I am going to waiting my whole life. I really don't want that to happen. I fantasize about getting my stomach stapled or having lipo suction or going on extreme make over and having them take away all of my problems but I could never afford any of that.

I am going to bed now. Thinking about this is getting too depressing. I am going to pray that tomorrow is the day I get my "ah ha" moment as Oprah would say. I am going to imagine myself fit and firm, jogging down the beach with ease as I drift off to sleep (I remember I used to use this visual technique when I lost weight before). Susan Powters wherever you are I hope you are still skinny and always will be.