I think I had a pretty big break through in group today. We we're sitting with the good doctor and today's discussion was about the our worst memories. I had to sit through some crybaby talk about the time she almost died in a car accident, Yadda Yadda yadda, she's fine. Finally it was my turn and I knew just what to talk about. The first time almost had sex. It was an ordinary Thursday night. Drop some acid, watch Beaches, and head to the pool hall to look for drunk chicks. I went by myself that night, because after Beaches I just need to be alone. Anyway, things weren't going so well. I was using all my best pick up lines. "Can I lick your stomach" and "Do you need a ride home? You look like you're almost passed out." Nothing was working, and on top of that I could have sworn I saw an Orangutan mouthing racial slurs at me. Time was starting to run out as the hall was really starting to clear out which meant only the really drunk girls or "undesirables" were left. When all hope seemed lost, she suddenly appeared to me, my angel in denim, my three foot bangs goddess. Sinda, or something like that, came stumbling towards me with a grin on her face and blue streaks down her eyes like the sky just as the first slice of dawn cuts up. She had been crying, so I knew I had a leg up here. "What's wrong" I asked her just to get things started. "My boyfriend, he cheated on me tonight! I knew it! I knew he would!" "Do you want to go somewhere and talk about it?" She looked at me with a blank stare and said, "Let's just go to my car and make out, okay?" I agreed and we were on our way. We eased in to the back of her '89 Cutlass, only hand-painted two colors I might add. Boom, we start making out. It's getting hot, she's calling me Andre, I'm asking who he is, she tells me to shut up and take my overalls off, when all of a sudden a bright light shines on me like Heaven had come to confirm this was my holy night. But it wasn't. It was the car door. And there's Andre staring at the both of us. He keeps looking at me funny, so I tap Sinda's head and she turns. "Andre, what the fuck! What, you want to screw this guy too!" He did, so I bolted and didn't stop until I was home. I came down from my trip with some weed, a chocolate Pop Tart, and a little Mannequin 2. Everyone in group is kind of looking at me, but this isn't the cathartic part. A voice comes from my right that sounds so familiar. "That was you!" There with a shaved head and some burn marks is Andre. The whole time I never recognized this guy! Guess I blocked him out, plus he kept saying his name was Joan. Then I remember that he's in for Multiple Personality Disorder, and I realize I am way better off than this guy.

Moral? There's always someone who has had a worse day than you.

I'll always love you Cousin Oliver!